“You have no one to blame but yourself, Anca. You insisted on performing without my approval, without my consent, and what happened? Do you think I tell you these things to hurt you? No! No, my girl, I tell you these things to protect you.”
I sit at my harp, hands in my lap, and all I can feel are his words filling my brain like acid.
I shouldn’t have gone against his advice. He was right.
“I thought I was good enough…” I whisper.
“But you are not. Not yet.”
“Maybe I never will be.”
“You will be if you listen to me. And only me.”
“I just want to perform. I want to share my music.”
“But only for those who deserve it, Anca. And they don’t. They will only laugh.”
He comes up and runs his hand over my head, cradling the back of my neck as I lean against him, the tears streaming down my face.
“Shhh, quiet, little one. Come away with me, and we will create our music together. Music that only we can appreciate, that only we can understand.”
“JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU”RE DOING?” the door slams open and before I can react, I feel a hand wrap around my arm and yank me to my feet.
“Jez!”
He ignores me and spins around to the older man, backing away against the harp. “You stay away from her, you talentless, perverted hack!”
“JEZ!” I try to pull my arm out of his hold. He just tightens his fingers around my wrist. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Young man, I think you should leave.” The Maestro says, that voice, that voice that scratches along the inside of your brain.
“You’re not going to think I’m so young when I’m done with you,” Jez growls at him.
“Jez! Let me go!” I yell, trying to break free from his hold. What is he doing here?
“No, you’re coming with me, Anca.”
“No! I can’t…”
“Stop… for fuck’s sake, stop saying that!”
“She’s right. She can’t go with you. She’s going with me.”
“Over your dead body,” Jez hisses and he takes a step towards my teacher.
The Maestro takes a step back. I’m not surprised, Jez is tall and very intimidating. “Now, calm down. I think this is all a misunderstanding. Let’s just sit down and talk.”
“No, I think the time for listening to you talk is over. Anca. Get your things, we’re going.”
“Anca. You know what will happen if you leave with him,” the Maestro warns me. Warns me, that there’s no place for me out there.
I rip my hand away from Jez and step away from him. “He’s right. There’s no point, Jez. I’m better off here. It’ll be better for you too.”
For a moment, the hurt in his eyes almost penetrates my self-pity. But I know it really will be better for him if my troubles aren’t his.
He takes a step towards me, and this time gently takes my hand in his.
“When will you learn, nothing is better without you in it, Anca. You’re my little sister. There’s nothing more important. And I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to come back for you. And that you’ve been suffering alone here with all these lies. But I’m not going to let you waste away here another minute longer. Now pick up your things, and let’s go.”
The dam in my chest breaks, and the tears flood my eyes. And for the first time in years I Iet myself hear the voice that loves me. It’s time. To go with Jez. I know it is. Jez has come to save you. Let’s go, Anca. Let’s go.
I turn to pick up my bag and reach for my harp.
“If you leave, you leave the harp as well. You don’t deserve it.” His words cut through my temporary relief like a firebrand.
“No. I… I can’t..” I turn back to Jez.
“Anca. Wait for me by the door.” He tells me. I hesitate and he smiles, and I know I’m safe. “Go.”
As I move to my escape, Jez takes a step towards the instrument, looking in the middle of the room, then with a force of rage I’ve never seen from him, I watch as he slams his hand against the wooden curve, and watch it splinter under his fist, the strings crumbling into a discordant mess.
“Jez!” I yell. The Maestro just stands there, mouth agape. He looks so much smaller than even just a moment ago. I turn back to the harp, and suddenly I feel as the crumpled strings are falling from my wrists, the broken restraints releasing me.
“Come on, Anca,” Jez says as he strides towards me, taking my hand in his. “Let’s go.”
I linger, just for a moment.
“No, don’t look back. Only forward from now on.”
I swallow, and force myself to echo his words.
“OK, Jezzy. Only forward.”
He saved me. Jez came back to save me. Just like he always said he would.
Marius
Jez steps out into the hall from Anca’s room before I can pretend I wasn’t pressed up against it, listening.
“Hey, man…” I say, trying to come up with an excuse for being there.
He reaches over and slams me against the wall. It’s more the shock of it that renders me speechless than the force.
“Stay away from my sister, Marius. I mean it. I’m not going to say it again.”
He stares at me, pupils locked on pupils for a moment, unwavering. Dead hard.
And then he pushes off me, and is gone.
Fuck.
***
Meditation is not working.
Yoga is not working.
My chai latte that may or may not be generously spiked with rum is definitely not working.
My brain is splitting in two knowing Anca’s sitting just a few feet away in front of me on our private charter plane, and Jez, just a few feet behind.
He’s been staring me for the last few hours, I can feel his eyes boring into the leather of the seat. As if he knows every indecent thought I’m having and is just waiting for me to get up and declare it or ravish his sister right in front of him.
We spent the day in Annecy rehearsing for our big concert in Nice tonight. Not that I could concentrate. I spent half the time telling myself that I couldn’t do this to my Jez, not after everything he’s done for me. Not just as a bandmate, but as a friend.