Then I’d turn, and there she’d be, and with just a slight glance, my whole body would jerk alive. She’s only been a part of my life for a few days, and already I can imagine the whole future ahead with her.
But I can’t do it.
I can’t do it, Jez.
So I sit here, torn between the two of them, body and mind in constant turmoil, staring straight ahead, until I can tell her. It’s got to end.
“Fuck-a-doodle cock!” Dennis’s voice rings out from his seat in the back.
“Whoa, calm down old man, you’ll have an attack… in that spot where others have a heart!” Brad jokes as we all get up and huddle around our manager.
“Shush, B!” Hailey admonishes him before handing Dennis a drink, “What’s going on Dad?”
“Just got an email from the guy on the ground in Nice. The theatre’s been shut down by some inspector. We’re out a venue tonight.”
“Shit crickets!” Hailey curses, and I catch Jez’s eye as we both suppress a laugh; she sounds just like her Dad. For a moment he forgets and flashes me a grin, but it fades fast and his face turns hard and he looks away. The act makes my heart constrict and I physically feel ill. We argue and banter all the time, but even when we argue over something more serious it’s never something that stops us being able to communicate.
“So what do we do? Do we have to cancel?” Sebastian asks.
Dennis sighs and looks up at us without answering. He looks tired and despondent. “They said there’s no way they can get the venue open in time for tonight.”
I don’t need to look up at my friends’ faces to know that they’re all scrunched up like mine. The last thing we ever want is to disappoint our fans. We have the same memories of having saved and then lining up for tickets, traveling for hours to get to a town for a concert, only to go home, never getting to see your idols. Things out of our control happen all the time, but it doesn’t stop it from downright sucking.
“Guys?” Anca’s voice cuts through the silence. “I think I have an idea. I’m not sure it’s doable but it might be worth giving it a try.”
“Sure, spill it.” Hailey tells her.
“Um…” her voice wavers and she starts to sound nervous. “Nah, it’s stupid.”
I watch Jez out of the corner of my eye and see him go over to her, whispering quietly into her ear and giving her shoulder a squeeze.
She opens her mouth and he nods, giving her some encouragement.
“Well, um, I spent a semester in Nice in my junior year, and down by the beach they hold concerts all the time. There’s a stretch along the esplanade and I’m sure you can set up a basic sound system and there’s pretty much unlimited room along the beach there. My class used to perform there a lot, lunch time concerts and stuff.”
“You did?”
“Um… I… um, I didn’t personally. Um.” I catch her eye and give her a little smile which seems to calm her down a little before she continues. “But, er, my class and my bandmates did. I’m sure I could even give some of the local musicians a call. Maybe we could make a free concert out of it? Might be easier to get the city to agree to it then?”
No one says anything, taking in Anca’s words. The silence grows for a few moments and then Hailey shoots to her feet.
“You.” She points to Anca, who takes a step back in response.
“Come ‘ere.” Hailey crooks her finger. Anca doesn’t move. Jez gives her a shove in the back after a pause and she falls towards the taller woman. “You freaking genius, you!” Hailey yells as she wraps Anca up in her arms and shakes her.
“Uh… . ok… um… yup… it was just an idea…” Anca struggles to get out, suffocating in Hailey’s hug.
“Hon… honey…” Dennis says, trying to pull her daughter away from Jez’s sister. “Let her go! We need her to help us get everything organized!”
“Fine!” Hailey finally lets go of Anca, who stumbles back before Emily steadies her, giving her a big grin and wink. Anca burns bright red and my heart flutters at how she responds to the attention.
I look away, accidentally glancing at Jez who scowls, probably from seeing me stare at his sister, and turns his head away quickly, folding his arms.
“Well… ok! Let’s get this new show on the road!” Dennis springs to his feet, looking like a new man. “Hailey, you get onto getting permission from the city and Anca, come with me and let’s see who we can come out to this thing.” He gently leads her to the front of our chartered plane, talking a mile a minute.
I sit back down in my chair and can’t help but watch as her face lights up as he asks her questions and ideas for the outdoor concert.
Minutes fly by and I don’t even realize he’s sitting next to me until he speaks up.
“She’s not like us.” Jez says, and I jump at the sound of his voice. I’m not really sure what he means, but I think he might be about to shed light on it. “She hasn’t been part of this… this world for the last ten years, like us. She’s not ready. She’s still… she’s still very young.”
“She’s 21, Jez.” I’m not sure what I’m hoping my contribution will do.
He just turns to me and looks at me as if I don’t understand anything.
“That’s just an age. She’s… not ready. She’s… she’s gone through some stuff, had a rough childhood, with… you know.”
I nod. I know how hard it was on him as well. “You brought her here, Jez.”
“So I could watch over her. I didn’t think I’d have to be watching over one of my own bandmates as well.”
He’s right. And being near Jez must be so good for her, I see the way he supports her. She must have missed that all these years she’s been at school and him on tour with us.
He’s so right. And yet. I know I’m good for her as well.
So I make a decision. A decision I hope doesn’t condemn me to hell.
“Jez.” He turns and looks at me for the first time since he sat down. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
He takes a pause before speaking. “You sure?”
I take a breath and tell him what he needs to hear. “Yes. There’s nothing going on with us.” And then I heave myself out of the chair and disappear behind the curtain of one of the bed bays at the back of the plane before the acidity of the lie to my best friend burns a hole in my chest so big, it feels like my heart will fall out.