“But it doesn’t have to.”
What is she talking about? Has the cold gone to her ever-loving mind?
“It will. You know better than that.”
“Look, what I mean is, it won’t hurt him, if he doesn’t know. We don’t even know what this all means, Marius. But don’t we owe it to ourselves to find out? Don’t you want to be with me?” There’s a crack in her voice, in it feels like it’s traveling down my heart as well.
“So much it hurts, Anca. But… you don’t know what I owe him.”
“It can’t be more than what I owe him, Marius. But even I know that all he would really want is for me to be happy. And he’d want the same for you as well.”
I take a moment to hear what she’s saying. Can it really work out that way? What kind of person am I that I can do this to one of my best friends?
“Anca, I- I didn’t bring you here to have sex with you one last time…”
“I know.”
At least there’s that. “I don’t want to lie to him, Anca.’
“We’re not. We’re just taking some time to figure out what this all is. It might come to nothing, and then we won’t have hurt him for nothing.” I shake my head. It can’t be that simple. It’s just delaying the fact. “Marius… look at me. Let’s just give it a few more days, okay? We’ll figure out what this is, and how to tell him. Believe me, I know my brother, he only wants what’s best for me.”
“He’s not going to think that that is me.” He might love me like a brother, but no one is ever going to be good enough for Anca. And I can see why he thinks so.
She pulls gently on my shirt, forcing me to lower my mouth down to meet hers in a soft, gentle kiss. Damn. I can’t walk away and she knows it. “You ARE what’s best for me. And we’ll make him know it too.”
I can only hope that she knows Jez as well as she thinks she does. But something tells me, I might know him better. For once, I wish that I’m the wrong one.
Anca
“Where the fuck have you been?” Jez yells at me when I step into my hotel room.
I push Marius back out into the hallway before Jez sees him and close the door behind me.
“What’s up bro?” I say, pushing past him and into the bathroom, turning the shower on.
“I said, where the fuck have you been all night?”
“I went for a walk, I was still too hyped up from the concert. What’s the big deal?” I try to keep my voice light, my hands busy so I don’t give myself away.
“Well, I called you at 6, to tell you that they’ve moved the call time up, and you AND Marius both missed a briefing meeting this morning. Where were you?”
“Nowhere in particular. I ran into him on my walk and so we went to grab a coffee. We didn’t know there was a meeting, not our fault we missed it,” I shrug.
“No, I know my guys, they never miss meetings. He didn’t even pick up his phone,” Jez says, like he knows it’s my fault. If only he knew it was because Marius’s hands were busy roaming my body to answer the phone.
“Well, that’s not my fault! Anyway, get out of here. I need to take a shower so I can be on time for you and your precious band’s rehearsal.”
“Anca.” He says my name. Like he does every time he’s about to give me the third degree about something.
“What?”
“What’s going on?’
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You better not. Be careful, Anca. There’s a reason why I’ve kept you apart from this life.”
“You didn’t keep me away from it. I was in school. But I’m a big girl now, Jez. It might be time you start to get used to that.”
“You might be a big girl, but I’m still your bigger brother. And I’m telling you. Don’t do what I’m thinking you’re doing.”
“I’m showering, that’s what I’m doing. And you’re leaving.”
He looks at me for a moment before he grabs his phone and leaves.
And I take Marius’s jacket off and hold it to my chest before hanging it up, reluctant to wash his scent off me.
But it’s not Marius I’m thinking of as I get ready to shower. It’s Jez, and how he’s really going to react when he finds out. And what I’m going to do if I have to choose between them.
***
One year ago
“Anca, this is your big brother. If you don’t call me back within 12 hours, I’m breaking down your door. Listen to my voice. Do I sound like I’m kidding? Call me back, Anca. I’m worried about you.”
I delete his voice mail and pull the blanket tightly around me. The light from the phone screen is too much and I switch it off completely. The room falls into complete darkness, and it’s only then I can take a full breath.
Knowing that the phone isn’t going to ring again.
That it’s not going to be Jez looking for me.
Or the Maestro.
That no one can reach me, at least for the moment.
The problem with darkness is that it’s the perfect canvas for thoughts.
Memories of the night before come crashing back.
Me, frozen on stage, the entire panel looking up at me, waiting, judging, finding me wanting even before I’ve played a note. Here, in Nice, of all places.
He said that I was a star.
He said they weren’t ready for me.
Maybe what he meant all along is that I’m not good enough for anyone.
“My angel, angela, what did I tell you? You should only ever play for me. No one else deserves you. No one else understands your talent.”
His words creep along the insides of my veins and I can’t block it out.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will quit the music program and go home. I tell myself, I promise myself.
The promise brings me relief and I pull the blanket against my face to catch the tears.
But it doesn’t stop the thoughts. I’m a failure. I’ve failed. I will never be able to face Jez again. I will never be able to tell Mommy and Daddy that I did it. I was a good girl after all.
***