“That’s bullshit and you know it, Silas.”
“No. You putting up a fight is bullshit. You see what I’ve cited as reason for belief that you’re neglecting him. And I’ll find more, you know I will. That’s why you’re so scared.”
“I’m not scared. I’m angry. You have no right. A father cares for his child. You have five years of proving you don’t care.”
“Not as the courts will see it. I believe they’ll see it as me trying to keep in contact with my son, and his mother making sure I don’t.”
“You don’t have proof,” I throw at him.
“You forget who I am. Who I can get to work for me, who I can get to swear up and down that I’m a good father.” There’s not a ripple of doubt on his face, and I almost think that he believes it.
“But why Silas, why now?”
“I told you why.”
“It’s not because of Ben.”
“Of course it is. He’s my son.”
“He’s been your son for almost six years.”
“And he will be for the rest of his life.”
“What can I do to get you to drop this?”
“What makes you think I want anything?”
“Because I know you. I know how selfish you are, how greedy for fame and fortune. How nothing in the world matters but you.”
He grins. “And that’s why.”
“Why what?”
“Why I want you to come work for me, because you know me.”
“Not this again.”
“Yes, exactly this again.”
“Come work for you? I despise you. Now more than ever.”
“That won’t stop you from doing your job. See, I know you. Come, come work for me and my band. Write about us, get us in the papers, on the news, in front of people’s faces.”
“I have a job.”
“Quit. Today. I’ll pay you twice what they’re paying. Can you really afford to say no?”
“You’re sick.”
“Fine. Forget the money as a reason. Why don’t you think about this-you come work for me, and I might not feel so inclined to keep pushing for custody, since I’ll get to see more of Ben since you’ll be around.”
“What?” Please don’t offer me this, I beg him in my head. Don’t make this part of the deal. I won’t be able to say no.
“You heard me. So, think it over. But not too long. Tick tock, all offers have an expiration date. Just remember, I won’t stop until I’ve won, Emily. I’ll do whatever I can to make it so. Pick the right team to be on. Sooner or later, I will get what I want.”
***
How many times have you looked back on a decision you’ve made, and wished that you’d done it differently? How many times, when in that moment, you’d been so sure you were doing the right thing?
How many times in my future will I look back on this exact moment and wonder if I made the right decision.
“Come on, Ben. Hurry up, we have to go.” I hurry my son. Grabbing as many of our possessions as possible and cramming them into the suitcase.
“Where, Mommy? Where are we going?” he asks, taking my hand as I lead him out of the bus.
“We’re going…we’re going away. We have to leave, right now.” I push the suitcase out the door and pick Ben up under his arms and help him down the steps.
“But…I don’t want to go, Mommy. I want to stay,” he says, tugging on my arm, willing me to drop the suitcase handle.
“I know, I know, but we can’t. You have to come with me now. We’re going to go on a new adventure! Don’t you want that?” I say, trying to keep my voice light, hoping he doesn’t pick up on my own sadness.
“I don’t know, Mommy. I don’t want to leave.”
“I’m sorry, baby. Mommy’s sorry, but it’s for the best.”
“Can’t I say goodbye to everyone?”
“No, sweetheart. We don’t have time. We, er, we can call them later.”
“Please, Mommy please!” he yells, and his confusion tears at me.
“Quiet, Ben. Just please, be quiet until we get into the taxi.”
“I don’t want to be quiet, Mommy! I want to say goodbye to everyone. I want to say goodbye to Uncle Brad! Uncle BRAD!” he yells.
“What’s going on? Where are you going, Emily?” Brad comes up behind us, catching Ben in his arms.
“I…I have to go, Brad. I’m sorry,” I say, not bearing to look at him.
“No…wait, what’s going on? Where are you going?” he asks, his voice as panicked as I feel.
“I… I can’t tell you.”
“Then you can’t go!”
“I have to, our taxi is here. Say goodbye to Uncle Brad, honey.” I pull at Ben’s sleeve.
“No!” he yells and wraps his arms tighter around Brad’s neck. I almost wish I could let him stay, to spare him this.
“You’re taking Ben?” Brad asks, his hand coming up to cup Ben’s head against his chest.
“Of course I am, he’s my son. My son…and Silas’s,” I force myself to say, force him to remember.
“No, Butter.” he pleads. “Talk to me, tell me what’s going on, I can help, I promise I can help!”
“You can’t, it’s too late. We have to go. Let him go, Brad.”
“I don’t want to go, Uncle Brad. I want to stay,” Ben cries, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to ignore the despair in his voice.
“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. Brad, let him go, please.”
He looks at me like I’m asking him to tear his own heart out. He squeezes Ben tight, closing his eyes as they cling to each other, unable to let go. “I love you, Ben,” he whispers against my son’s ear. And I hope Ben never forgets it.
“I love you, Uncle Brad,” Ben sobs.
Brad leans over and I reach for Ben, pulling my son into my arms. His scream at being taken from Brad pierces my ear, but he lets me hold him, his body shaking with tears.
Brad reaches over and wraps his arms around us, his hand warm on my back as he whispers, “I love you, Emily.”
I can feel my heart shattering, and I have to leave before I can’t. I pull away from him, forcing myself to look into his eyes one last time.
“Goodbye, Brad. I had no choice. I’m sorry.”
I carry Ben over to the taxi, Brad following with our suitcase. I climb into the car and shut the door behind us as the taxi driver lifts the suitcase into the trunk and closes it with a thud. Ben climbs onto the seat staring out the window, his hand pressed up against the glass. His sobs echo the same thing I feel in my heart.
I don’t turn back. The past is now in the past.
How many times? How many times will I relive this moment, wondering if I was right or wrong?