Her hands shaking on the bed cover gives away just how scared she is. She’s hiding something. Or, trying to tell me something. I go and sit down next to her.
“What is it, what happened?”
“I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…it was an accident.”
“You need to tell me, what are you talking about?”
“They… they’ve taken him away before.”
I try to hide my shock by rubbing my hand over her shoulder, letting her know it’s safe to share. “What do you mean?”
“I…I forgot to pick him up once…from daycare.”
“Okay.”
“I…you don’t understand, after I had him, things were hard for me. I was a single mother, and my mom wasn’t really around much. I was all alone.”
She wrings her hands and I look at them. They’re almost raw from being rubbed.
“I… I really struggled for a long time, Brad. I tried, I really did. But I…it was just so hard.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“I stopped off at the bar one night after work and…and I wouldn’t leave. They…they tried to get me to leave, but I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to see me that way.”
“What way, babe?”
“Drunk! I didn’t want him to see me drunk. I love him so much, but sometimes it was just too much. I didn’t know until I got some help that I had quite severe postpartum depression.”
“Oh babe. No wonder.”
“Anyway, I…I wouldn’t leave the bar, and they threw me out. And I guess…I guess I just fell asleep in an alley somewhere…and forgot to pick up my baby. I forgot to pick up my Ben! Brad. I forgot him.” The words come tumbling out, followed by sobs that break my heart. How could she have held onto all that without breaking apart, I can’t imagine. No wonder she’s so afraid.
Suddenly she stands up, pacing around the room again, mumbling to herself. “I can’t…fuck, this can’t be happening. I can’t lose him.”
“You won’t.”
“You don’t know that!” she screams, her hands grabbing her hair, her face. “All this…all this. It wouldn’t have happened if…”
“What, Emily?”
“It wouldn’t have happened…if I… It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t on this tour…if …if we…”
“Don’t say it, Emily,” I tell her softly, but firm.
“I’m sorry, but it’s true.” She stops in her tracks, staring at me.
“No.”
“It wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t run into each other.”
“It’s not why this is happening, Butter.”
“It is, don’t you see, Brad?! We lived a quiet, safe life. Silas was barely a part of it. But now…he’s…he’s trying to compete with you. And he doesn’t like to lose.”
“Then we’ll beat him.”
“We can’t. We can’t, Brad. He’s going to take Ben away. He’s going to find out what happened, and he’s going to take him away. He’s his father.” Her nods anchor each sentence, as if the facts bury themselves in her fear, growing by the second.
“And you’re his mother, and you love him. And I love him. And I…I will protect the both of you. I can do that.” I try to reach for her again, hoping my touch will help ground her, reassure her, but she pushes me away.
“This is wrong…this is all wrong!” Her head shakes side to side, her hair wild around her face.
“Emily.”
“I just…I need some time, Brad.”
“I can’t leave you like this!”
She takes a deep breath, and a strange calmness comes over her. She looks at me through darkened eyes, but her voice is calm “I’m okay. I’m okay. I just need to think. Please. Please, Brad. I just need some space.”
While I can’t fathom leaving her right now, her eyes beg me for time alone.
I wonder if part of loving someone is knowing when they need you, and when they don’t.
“I love you, Emily. That’s all you’ll ever need to know. That and I’ll never leave you. Everything else doesn’t matter. We will make it work,” I tell her, taking her into my arms. She doesn’t push me away, and for a moment, I let myself believe it’s not going to get worse than this.
“Do you really think it’s that simple?” she whispers against my chest.
“I know it when I’m with you.”
She doesn’t say anything, just presses her hand against my cheek, then walks away.
Emily
When I told Silas I was pregnant, he said four words that have stuck with me ever since.
“Do what you want.”
He didn’t tell me to get rid of my baby, and he didn’t beg me to keep it. He just didn’t care.
It was months after Ben was born before he contacted me, even though I’d sent him photos and updates. I wanted my son not to miss out on anything that a boy born into a family with both his parents would have. After the tenth, fifteenth email I gave up. Six months later, he showed up on my doorstep with a toy and a shit-eating grin. He was in town traveling with his band and, in his words, thought he might as well drop in.
I didn’t want to deny him what I felt was his right as Ben’s father. So I let him in and that has pretty much been the arrangement since then. Him popping in and out whenever he feels it’s convenient for him. Always with a toy and always with promises he never keeps. And it’s worked for all of us. Ben, happy to see his father when he is around, but never really missing him when he’s not.
As for me, I’d rather a life without Silas in it, but if he never wanted more from us, from Ben, from me, then I wasn’t going to make a big thing out of it.
And I don’t think that I was wrong when I said that all this, all this posturing, all these demands, this sudden change of heart when it comes to Ben, is nothing but a pissing contest with Brad. Brad, who has always been a thorn in his side.
But whatever the reason, the threat is real, and I refuse to have any threats in my son’s life.
“Why are you here?” Silas asks me again.
“Because I want to sort this out once and for all.”
“What’s there to sort out? I want to make sure my son is safe. And you don’t seem to share the same concerns.”