Brad
No one will tell me where she is. Someone must know, but no one will tell me.
Not Dennis, not her editor, not even her mother, who has spent the entire time we were friends trying to get us together.
She won’t answer her phone, she won’t reply to my emails.
I don’t know how she is, how Ben is, and how that fucker Silas fits into the equation.
I only know that once again, I have a gaping hole in my life in the shape of a blue-eyed, shiny-haired brunette, and it feels like all the air in my lungs gushes away into that abyss.
“Tell me where she is, Phil.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything more than you. Only that she sent me all her notes, an outline of her article, and a simple ‘I’m sorry.'”
“TELL ME WHERE SHE IS!”
“Brad. I promise you. I don’t know. I would if I could. But she hasn’t been in contact with me at all.”
“You’re just pissed at her because she left you high and dry.”
“I can see how you might feel that way. But at this point, I just wish I knew that she’s okay. Let me know if you find out anything.”
I know he’s telling the truth. It’d be easier to think otherwise. At least then I’d have hope of having some way to get in touch with her, but I know, I know he cares about her. He didn’t blink an eye when I asked him about helping to fund a nanny for Ben on the tour. He only asked what else he could do to make it happen.
“I will. I’m… I apologize for yelling at you. I’m just very worried.”
“I know. I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”
“Please.”
I hang up the phone and stare at it. It’s ridiculous that someone can just vanish into thin air. Two people, I remind myself, though I hardly needed to. I didn’t think it could’ve been worse, but the ache is double what is was when we last parted. There are two empty spots in my heart now.
“Hey, have you heard anything?” Jez wanders into the living room on the bus from his bedroom.
I just shake my head.
“Nothing at all?”
“Yeah. Not from her. No one that will answer my phone calls has heard anything either. That, or she’s told them not to tell me anything.”
“It’s fucked up.”
I shrug. I don’t know what to say.
“It is fucked up, Brad,” Jez says firmly, surprising me.
“What’s fucked up?” Marius asks, climbing onto the bus, Sebastian and the girls trailing behind him.
Jez just sighs and gestures his head toward me.
“Ah. Well, for once, I agree with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You didn’t see what we saw when she left.”
“No, I fucking lived it,” I remind him.
“Well, I can tell you, watching it was no picnic either. She was sad, Ben was devastated, confused… and you. Well, I could do without seeing you look that wretched ever again, thanks. Except, now I’m seeing it every day.”
“But we don’t know why. She must have a reason.”
“What could possibly be worth that, man?” Marius demands.
“You guys are being too rough on her. It’s not like she wanted to leave. You saw how she looked! Something’s going on, we just don’t know what it is yet.” Hailey says, her voice soft, obviously sad for her new friend.
“It’s not the first time-” Sebastian starts.
“Yeah, yeah, we know. Brad boo-hoo sad. A lot’s happened since then. She’s been amazing on this whole tour. Helpful, doing things she doesn’t need to, helping out where she can, not to mention talking you guys up a storm. The last few weeks, everywhere we’ve gone people have mentioned the columns she’s written. Come on, give her credit where it’s due,” Cadence rants at her husband, her arms waving around, emphasizing her point.
“I give her credit where it’s due. But the way she’s treated Brad, is not where that’s at,” Jez counters with a shrug of his shoulders.
“Guys…” I try to interrupt.
“Not to mention, how does Ben fit into all this? He was fucking traumatized,” Marius argues.
“She’s his mother, it’s her decision what’s best for him. That doesn’t always mean they know what it is,” Hailey counters.
“Guys…” I try again.
Marius ignore me and continues. “Well, maybe we would’ve all been better off if…”
“GUYS!” I yell, and they stop, as if realizing I’m there for the first time. “I appreciate all this fighting over my virtue, but all of it is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is where they are, and are they all right.”
“And how do we find that out?” Sebastian raises the vital question.
“I don’t have a fucking clue,” I admit.
We all look at each other, seemingly having the same lightbulb moment at once.
“Let’s ask Dennis!”
***
When I left at the age of eighteen to go on tour with the band, I couldn’t get out of London fast enough. I packed one bag, with three shirts and five pairs of underwear. My violin and bow. And a box of cookies my mother sneaked into my bag.
I left everything. Because I thought I’d lost everything.
My parents begged me to write or call more often. But anything that made me think of London made me think of her.
Now I spend my days looking for things to bring me closer to her.
I moved into her bedroom on the girls’ bus, gathering all the clothes and Ben’s toys she left behind in her rush to leave. I surround myself with them to keep me company on the sleepless nights.
Every conversation, I want to be about her. Every song, something to make me remember her laugh, her smile, her body, the way she felt in those seconds after climaxing and falling into my arms.
I have no wish to distance myself from her, only pretend that she’s not gone.
***
“I’ve found her. She’s with Silas,” my manager tells me after he’s pulled me apart from the band.
“What?” I can’t be hearing him right.
“She’s working for Silas.”
“Damn. How did you find that out?”
“She had to have her mail forwarded and Phil give me the address. It’s a PO Box that’s being paid for by Silas’s management company.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“Just, it’s my job, okay?”
I can tell there’s something he’s wanting to say but isn’t.
“What?” I press.
“I was going to make an insulting joke, but for once, I think you probably don’t deserve it.”
I raise my eyebrow, curious. “Well, now I have to hear it.”