She’s pacing around the room now. Her hands a wringing and her face is scrunched up, all I can sense from her is restlessness, frustration, agitation. And all I can do is stand there and watch. I can’t reach out to her, because she doesn’t want me to. Because she thinks I don’t understand. And how can I? She’s right. The world is going to judge her so much crueler for this than they will me.
“Do you know how old I was when that first video came out? I was eighteen. And it was of me making love to my boyfriend. Eight years later, again, it was of me making love to someone I thought was the love of my life. No men in between. That last eight years could just be a giant whorefest for me for all they can guess.”
“Who cares?” I throw my hands up, hoping to lighten the situation.
She whips her head around and I can see the last vestiges of blood drain from her face. She knows now I don’t understand.
“I CARE! I’m a TEACHER, Sebastian! What I do MATTERS. Every decision I’ve made for the last five years is to protect me and to protect my kids. How can I face them now, how can I face anyone at the school now? But you don’t get it – hell this is probably going to boost YOUR rock star reputation.”
“Hang on…” I walk up to her. This can’t still be how she thinks of me.
“This affects me, the life I live. Maybe you’ve lived too long in your bubble to know that most people aren’t afforded the same consideration you are. You have a story run about you eloping and having a third testicle, and most people think it’s funny. Well, I can tell you this isn’t funny.”
“Wait,” I grab her arm and swing her around to face me. “Why are you mad at me?”
She sighs and for the first time looks me directly eyes. I have to bite back the need to kiss her pain and anger away. This can’t be solved with sex.
“I’m not.” She sighs again, the air deflating her lungs and her body grows even smaller. “I’m not mad at you. This isn’t your fault… but, it wouldn’t have happened without you. Can you see the difference?”
I do. I know. And I don’t know how to tell her I can’t change it.
“Who do you think did this, Sebastian?” She asks suddenly.
“I don’t know, we’re trying to find out.” I tell her honestly.
“You won’t. Because even if Dennis does, I don’t think you’ll ever know about it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It was Hailey.” She says. And my heart drops. I can’t argue about this with her again.
“Cadence.”
“Stop.” She puts her hand up.
“What?”
“Stop, I don’t want to hear you defend her. Not now. Not over this.”
“There’s no way… no reason she would do this.”
“She was there, Sebastian, she was there! Last night, in the greenroom! I heard her just as we were leaving!”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t think she was going to do anything! I thought she’d just gotten stuck in there and hadn’t wanted to bother us. Fuck, was I wrong.”
“Even if she was, she wouldn’t have done this, and how would she have known about the videos of you from before?” I don’t have any other way to argue this except with reason. But I know Cadence’s insistence has reached a level beyond that now.
“I don’t know. I just know… that she was jealous of me being with you because she wanted you… that she was the only one other than us in that room last night… and now there are pictures of us FUCKING on the front fucking page. And all you can do is say, it wasn’t her.”
I don’t know what to say. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Hailey has no feelings for me but I can’t explain it to Cadence.
“Trust me, please, you’ve got to trust me. It wasn’t her.” I reach out to touch her face and she pulls away, her eyes filled with hurt. And I feel something snap between us. Something break.
She walks to her side of the bed and picks up her bag. Then as if there’s no energy left in her body, she sits down on the bed.
“Don’t go. We can’t work it out unless we’re together. Don’t give up on us.” I beg her softly. I can’t believe this is happening.
“There is no us. I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m so sorry. I just, I can’t do this again. I can’t handle this level of scrutiny, this absolute loss of privacy. But… it’s not even that. You say you want to protect me, but you don’t even trust me enough to consider what I’m saying about Hailey. Or you won’t explain why. What’s the point in protecting me if you don’t even trust me?”
“I do trust you, but you have to trust me. I can’t tell you why, I just, I just know it’s not her.”
“You won’t even consider it? You won’t even ask her?”
I can’t lie to her. I’ll keep her here by restraint, by force, before I keep her here by deception. So I just shake my head. By form of answer. By form of disbelief of what’s about to happened.
“Ok.” She relents. “Then I have to go.”
She stands up and runs to the door but I jump over the bed and slam my back against it before she can get there. She stops in front of me, refusing to look at me.
“Cadence.” I cradle her face in my palm. “Oh baby, my Cadence.” I pull her against my chest and she doesn’t fight me.
Her body breaks into sobs and I feel the tears start to stream down my cheeks. I want to tell her to take me with her, that I can leave all this behind. But the fear that she’ll say no stops me.
“I have to go, Sebastian,” she whispers when her sobs finally die down.
I bury my face in her hair, breathing in those orange blossoms one last time, before stepping away from the door.
“You might be walking out that door, but don’t forget, you’re still my here, there, everywhere and in between.” I tell her.
“And you’ll always be mine.”
PART THREE
CADENCE
There are moments in your life that you wish you could relive; some where you’d do things completely differently, and some just to do the exact the same thing again. And again. And again.
I can’t decide which way I would go with my moments with Sebastian.
Would I have just let him reach for the rosin, shrugged and walked out of his life forever?
Would I have never taken the $50 000 deal?
Would I have not let him kiss me that first time outside his hotel room door?
Would I have torn up the check when he showed up at the school, and never let him whisk me away?
I don’t know.
I do know, that had I any other choice, I wouldn’t have walked away from him. Because, without him, these last few days have been the worst torture I’ve ever endured.
I miss him so much that it hurts to think about him and it hurts even more not to. It had been so long since I’d let myself feel those feelings of intimacy and even sexual desire, when I’d let myself go with Sebastian, it was like everything was new. And it was the happiest I’ve ever been.
If I don’t remember the smiles, the laughs, the kisses, the sharing of our secrets, does it mean it never happened?
Because right now, the only thing that’s getting me through each minute, each hour, is to lose myself in those moments when I was in his arms, and nothing else in the world existed.
The question is, had it all been worth it?
The answer scares me, because it might tell me, that the only way to ever be happy again, to be back in his arms, is to risk everything.
“Cadence?” Sarah’s voice pierces through my thoughts.