There’s a gentle knock on the door and I ignore it. She doesn’t want to see anyone right now, and I’m not so sure I want to see anyone either.
A minute passes and there’s another knock.
I sigh and get off the bed and open the door a small crack.
It’s Sarah.
“Let me see her.”
“I don’t think…”
“I’ve been here before with her, let me in.” Sarah says softly but firmly.
I nod and open the door wider and she steps quietly into the room.
I watch as she slips off her shoes and crawls onto the bed, wrapping her arms around Cadence.
“Hey, sweetie, it’s me. I’m here.” She whispers, and I see Cadence let herself be pulled into her friend’s arms.
“Can we have a few minutes? Please?” Sarah says to me, and I hesitate, but then leave, closing the door behind me.
The guys are all sitting in the living area, facing the TV with the sound off.
“How’s she doing?” Marius asks, his face worried.
“Not great.” I say, sinking into the couch, rubbing my hands over my face, exhausted. “We know anything yet?”
“Dennis hasn’t gotten back yet. I’m sure he’ll get to the bottom of it.”
The room goes quiet and I strain to listen for voices coming from the bedroom.
“Hey,” Jez says softly as he comes over and sits on the arm of the chair. “You OK?”
I just shrug. I haven’t even begun to sort through my own feelings yet.
“Did you… um, did you know? About the…?” Jez voice fades away as he tries to find the right word.
“The what?”
“The pictures.”
“How the fuck was I supposed to know, unless I set up a camera myself… are you fucking suggesting..?” I snap at him, irritated.
“Whoa, calm down, mate. No, I didn’t mean the ones of you and Cadence, I meant the ones from before.”
“Oh, sorry. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.” I lower my voice, immediately feeling bad for attacking my friend.
“It’s OK.”
“Um, yeah, yeah, I knew. She told me about them when we were away. But I don’t think… I don’t think she thought it was ever going to come up again.”
I push myself out of my seat and stare out the window.
The sky is a flat, dull grey. Lifeless. Not a hint of sunlight or storm. Just like the clouds have died and nothing but their shells are left, spreading out like a canvas of grey cells over the horizon.
I replay her voice in my head, telling me how she had suffered the last time the videos had come out. Where it had taken her, how it had affected her life. How much pain and humiliation it had brought her. And now it was all back. Two-fold. And I was the cause. This wouldn’t have happened if she wasn’t with me. I know it and she knows it. So much for promising to protect her after the club incident, I couldn’t even shield her from attacks in our own space.
“Fuck!” The anger suddenly hits me and I slam my fist into the window. The glass holds under my attack, but not without shuddering for a moment, and I shake my wrist, the shock having been sent back up my knuckles and into my body.
“Sebastian.” I look over and see Sarah stepping out of the room, closing the door behind her. “I’ll be in the hallway waiting. Call me when she’s ready to leave.”
“Leave?” I feel the blood drain from my face. I run over to her. “What do you mean?”
“I think you should just go in and talk to her. I’ll be right outside.” Her voice is kind but strong. I wonder what they’ve talked about since I left the room.
I take a breath, steeling myself and open the door to the bedroom.
She’s standing with her back to me, staring out the window in the same stance I was in just seconds ago.
“Cadence. How are you doing, babe?” I ask her. Waiting for her to turn to face me.
She doesn’t.
“I’m… I’m gonna go. Sarah’s waiting for me. But I just … I wanted to say good bye first.” Her hand comes up to press against her mouth.
I don’t know what I’m hearing. I shake my head to clear the buzz in my ears.
“What… what are you talking about, where are you going?” I stutter, hardly able to get the words out, not wanting to make them real.
She finally spins on her feet to look at me and her face breaks my heart. The light in her eyes is gone, and those normally vibrant eyes are sunken into her face, her cheeks are pale and gaunt. It’s as if he life in her has just died, in the space of a few hours.
“I have to get away from here.” I can’t tell if she’s telling me or begging me.
“No, stay here, I can… I can protect you here.” Don’t leave me, I swallow the silent words.
“No, you can’t. It’s too late. It’s done.” And I know she’s right. I can’t take it back. If I had the power to collect up every printed newspaper, every digital imprint of those pictures of her, I would. I would crawl on my hands and knees to get it done. But it just can’t be. And she knows it.
“But I can help you from here on out. We can face it together.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” She looks up, and it’s almost as if she’s looking right through me.
“Tell me, what don’t I get?” I don’t know how to help her, and it’s tearing me up inside.
“It’s not the same for you as it is for me. One picture ONE time… is one thing. Now they have TWO. Do you know what TWO pictures is, Sebastian? Do you know what that means? To the world, it means I’m a SLUT!”
She yells the word and all the pain she’s feeling is carried in that one word.
“Did you READ what they said in the article, Sebastian? They didn’t call YOU a porn star, did they? It doesn’t matter that sex requires TWO people. But no, it’s just me. Because not once, but TWICE, I’ve been caught fucking some guy on camera and it’s out for the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD TO SEE.”