Chapter 183:
Below the Surface
Chris’s POV
Chris sat at his desk, fingers tapping absently on his keyboard. Words for Megan’s book had come easily, flowing steadily, and he’d kept up a good pace, but today his mind wandered. He kept replaying their recent conversation in his head-the one where Megan opened up to him about her scars, those on her body and in her mind.
He looked at his watch; it wasn’t far from their appointment time. He really did hope this time Megan could open up just a little about her feelings. He wanted to be there for her, not just with the book but in any other possible way.
He was jerked out of his reverie by the knock at his door. “Come on in!”
Megan entered, relaxing her typically rigid formalities a notch. “Hi, Chris. Got a minute?
“Absolutely,” Chris said, reclining in his chair. “Please, have a seat.”
Megan took a seat across from him and settled into a relaxed posture, but her eyes flickered with apprehension. “I’ve been thinking a lot about our last conversation.”
“Me too,” Chris admitted. “It seemed like you really were opening up. How are you feeling now?”
Megan let out a deep sigh and set back in her chair. “I feel a bit better, but it’s like there’s so much beneath the surface. I would like to talk about it, but it is hard to get it all into words.”
“I know,” Chris said in a nodding fashion, very sympathetic. “Sometimes it helps to start small. What’s been on your mind lately?”
Her eyes wandered before meeting his again. “It’s not just the marks from my fights. It’s something about how those experiences shaped me. They form part of who I am, yet they feel like a barrier at times.”
Chris nodded reflectively. “You feel torn in two-a desire to press forward but held by what happened in the past.”.
“Exactly,” Megan said, her inflection rising with frustration. “It’s this constant tug-of-war between who I was and who I want to be. I know I must face it, but sometimes the how eludes me.”
Chris leaned forward, encouragingly. “Maybe the book could be a way to do that. Maybe in sharing your story, you will find some clarity and help others along the way.”
Megan’s face relaxed. “I think you’re right. It’s just that every time I go to start digging into it, there are just new layers of emotion. It’s overwhelming.”
“Take it one step at a time,” Chris suggested. “We can break it down into parts. Just focus on one aspect of your journey at a time. It would be good to write down specific big moments that were huge for you.
Megan nodded slowly. “That sounds like a good idea. I just don’t want it to be too painful if I open up too much.”
Chris smiled reassuringly. “You don’t have to do it all at once. We can pace ourselves. And if it gets too overwhelming, we can take breaks. I am here for you, to help you through it.”.
Megan took a deep breath, her eyes showing appreciation. “Thanks, Chris. I do appreciate your patience. It feels sometimes that I just scratch the surface on some of the things I have to confront.”
Chris eased back in his chair as he thought a moment before responding. “Let’s try something. Why don’t you tell me about one of the events or experiences which has been hardest for you? We can start there.
Megan furrowed her eyebrows, thinking. “There was this one fight-a big match where I ended up badly hurting my opponent. It wasn’t just a physical thing; it was emotional, too. I felt guilty for so long.”
“Tell me more about that,” Chris encouraged. “What was going through your mind during and after the fight?
Her eyes dropped, and her fingers twisted in her lap. “During the fight, I was just focused on winning as usual. Then when everything was done and I saw what I did, I knew how much destruction I was leaving. The feeling was almost that I had betrayed myself by causing so much destruction.”.
Chris nodded with her whole body. “So, it sounds like you were caught between your competitiveness and your sensitivity. So, how did you manage those feelings afterward?
Megan’s shoulders rose and fell, her eyes clouding. “I tried burying it. I buried myself in the training, hoping that if I kept myself busy enough, the guilt would fade. But it clung, lingering.”
Chris’s eyes were soft. “It is hard when you have to face yourself and what you have done. Sometimes those feelings do not just go away; they need to be worked through.”.
“I know,” Megan said softly. “It’s just hard to know where to begin.”
Chris leaned forward again, his voice soft. “Well, perhaps the beginning would be to first acknowledge those feelings. Feel them, recognize them, and let yourself feel them. Then you can start deciding how to move on from there.”
Megan appeared reflective. “I have been trying to be strong and get over it, but maybe I should let myself feel and understand it better.”
Chris nodded. “Exactly. And remember, it’s okay to feel vulnerable. It is part of the process of healing.”
Megan smiled weakly. “Thanks for helping me see that. Sometimes it’s hard to remember it’s all right to have these feelings.”
“No problem,” Chris said warmly. “We all have our struggles. What matters is how we deal with them.”
As Megan came to her feet to make her way out, she threw Chris a much-appreciated glance. “Thanks for listening. It does help to talk about it a bit at a time.”
Chris rose to his feet with a very supportive look on his face. “Anytime, Megan. I’m here to give you the support you need to go through this. We’re in this together.”
She nodded and turned to leave. By the length of her stride, it was evident how relieved she was feeling. Chris watched her go-felt the purpose deep in his gut. For Megan, this was going to be a hard battle to fight, but at the same time, he felt so satisfied that he could get her through it.
As Megan left, Chris turned back toward his desk, rebolstered in dedication toward their work. He wanted to unlock and fix the layers her past had burdened Megan with, so she’d be fortified in terms of fighting and as a person.