The plane bounces on its landing, and I grip my armrests. It’s been a long trip home.
Actually, it’s been a long twenty-four hours. Nathan and I have spoken about ten words to each other. He slept in the spare room again last night, and I guess if I was searching for an answer, he gave it to me then and there.
Things have changed between us; it’s clear now.
Crystal clear.
We leave the plane, and I follow him through the airport in silence. When we get to the street, he takes my hand and my heart nearly breaks.
It won’t be my hand he’s reaching for soon.
It’s the weirdest thing. Stephanie is probably a lovely girl and could make Nathan happy, but all I can feel for her at the moment is resentment. And rather than say something snarky and showing Nathan my horrible jealous true colors, I remain silent. If I don’t say anything, I can’t ruin it any more.
It’s already pretty bad, I need to salvage it as soon as I get control of myself.
We arrive at his car. He puts our bags in the trunk and we drive out into the traffic.
There’s a tension between us, and I’m trying to be a good friend, I really am. But it feels like I don’t even know him anymore.
My mind keeps going over the last twenty-four hours, Pornhub…the kinds of sex he was watching. The moment I thought we had at the airport on Friday.
The lies.
Twenty silent minutes later, we arrive at my apartment. Nathan parks the car, he gets out, opens the trunk, and he takes his suitcase out, too.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
His face falls. “Can I stay?”
My eyes hold his. “Why, Nathe? So we can have more awkward silence?”
“What do you want me to say, Eliza? Tell me what can make this better so I can fix it.”
“Nothing.” I force a smile. “There is nothing wrong with you, Nathe. It’s me. The problem is me.”
“Why?”
“I just need some time to get my head around this.”
“Around what?”
“Around you being with a woman.”
He frowns, as if confused.
“It’s just something that was never on my radar. I feel like-” I cut myself off.
“Like what?”
“Like there is this whole other part of you that I don’t know.”
“There is.” His eyes hold mine. “I’m a very sexual person, Eliza.”
I get a vision of him kissing a girl, and my stomach twists. I nod, unable to push anything intelligent through my lips. “Do you think about her when you’re in bed with me?” I whisper.
His face falls. “No, I do not.” He reaches down and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear before he cups my face in his hand, and it’s there between us again.
This feeling of want…
Belonging.
An emotion that has no place in this current climate.
“Can I please come up?” he whispers as his eyes search mine. “Let me make it up to you.”
“Nathe,” I sigh. “I’ve been a really shitty friend this weekend. You have nothing to make up to me. I should be making it up to you.” I turn away from him. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay?”
Then I remember my date with Samuel and I spin back to him. “Oh, I can’t tomorrow night. I have something on.”
“What do you have on?”
“I’m going out with Samuel.”
“You told me you didn’t like him.”
I open my mouth to say that I was going tomorrow to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, but I stop myself.
I don’t need to elaborate any more. Nathan cares for someone else now. “I don’t know. Maybe he isn’t so bad.”
His jaw ticks.
“What’s that look for?”
He shakes his head and steps back from me. “See you later.”
“Nathan.”
He ignores me and walks around to get back into his car.
“What’s your problem? I’m just seeing if I like him, okay?”
He opens the door and holds onto it. “I don’t like him, Eliza. I don’t want you going out with him. Find someone else.”
I put my hands on my hips, annoyed. “You don’t get to pick who I date, Nathan.”
“Oh, but it’s all right for you to not speak to me all weekend when I tell you who I’m dating?”
My mouth falls open in surprise. “You lied to me.”
“I have never fucking lied to you, Eliza. Not once.” He bangs on the roof of his car.
“You didn’t tell me!” I fire back as I feel adrenaline surge through my bloodstream.
Damn it, I am angry. I feel so betrayed.
“Because I wanted to tell you when I knew for certain what was going on.”
“Well, it hurt.”
He shakes his head.
“What’s that look for?”
“You have no idea what hurts.” He sneers.
“Oh, and you do?”
“Yeah, I fucking do.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh, please, what Nathan? You tell me,” I fire back. This is all about him, my anger begins to escalate. “You tell me what hurts!”
“It’s wanting what you can’t fucking have!” he cries. He glares at me and gets in the car before he speeds off down the street. I hear his tires screeching in the distance.
I stare down the street and feel my heart beating hard in my chest.
What the hell is going on with him?