And here I was thinking that there was something developing between us.
It has nothing to do with me.
My tears break the dam, and I drop to sit on the bed.
This hurts.
I always knew that one day I would lose him to someone else, but I was mollified by knowing that it would never be completely because I would always be the only woman in his life.
I think back and see the haunted look on his face, and his words come back to me.
I don’t even know who I am any more.
Sadness fills me. That makes two of us.
Half an hour and a good cry later, I wash my face and reapply my makeup.
I’m here for Neil’s birthday, and I need to get over myself.
I have no right to feel hurt. Nathan isn’t my boyfriend-we’re just friends.
I’m going to put a smile on my face, and I’m going to go downstairs. I’m going to be the friend that Nathan needs. I can’t stop seeing the pain on his face when he told me he doesn’t know who he is.
I know who he is. He’s a beautiful man that I care about, and I want to wrap him in my love and support him through whatever he’s going through.
I practice my broad smile in the mirror.
“Nathan, let’s dance,” I say.
My smile slips because behind it I can see the hurt in my eyes, even if no one else will. There’s no denying it to myself. I’m cut to the bone. A tiny part of my heart wishes it were me that Nathan had feelings for. Maybe that tiny part of my heart loves him, and maybe that tiny part of me will always feel like this.
I smile sadly. Nathan calls my vagina Tiny. Oh, the irony.
“Eliza?” I hear a voice call.
I quickly wipe my eyes and pat my cheeks. “In here!” I call happily from the bathroom.
Alex, Nathan’s only brother, comes into view and smiles. “There you are. I was looking for you.”
I put my lipstick back into my beauty case and zip it up. “I’m coming now.”
His eyes linger on mine, and I know that he knows. Alex is the only person that Nathan talks to about his sexuality.
“You okay?” he asks softly.
I nod, but suddenly, I feel all weak again, and my tears simmer dangerously close to the surface. “Yep.”
Don’t be nice to me or I’ll crack.
He sits on the side of the bathtub. “You want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “Nope.” I do, but I know that I can’t, because I will cry and make this selfishly about me.
Why am I feeling like this?
Alex stands and takes me in his arms. The kindness of that act makes the stupid tears well again.
“I have to ask you something,” he says. He pulls back to look at me. “Do you have feelings for Nathan?”
“I love Nathan, you know that.” I sigh as I pull out of his arms.
“So, what do you make of all this?”
I exhale heavily. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just rattled because of the way I found out. He didn’t even tell me, Alex.”
“He doesn’t have feelings for her, he’s just attracted to her. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Same thing.” I shrug.
“No, it’s not-not for a guy. They are a mile apart.”
“Did Nathan send you up here to check on me?”
He puts his hands into his jacket pockets, not wanting to answer me.
“That means yes.” I roll my eyes. “And of course. I don’t have feelings like that for Nathan. We’re friends, Alex, that’s all.”
“So why are you upset?”
“Because he’s been lying to me for ten years,” I whisper in an outrage. “Never once in ten years has he mentioned a woman to me.”
“Has he mentioned a man to you?”
“No, but…” I throw my hands up in frustration.
“Nathan is different from most people, Eliza. He doesn’t talk about his feelings openly, not even to the people he sleeps with.”
“Well, he tells you everything.” I huff.
“You know why he tells me everything?”
“Why?”
“Because I walked in on him and Robert in a compromising position when they were sixteen.”
I frown. “How old were you?”
“Eighteen. I talked to Nathan about it because he had no choice. I had seen it with my own eyes, so he eventually opened up and told me everything. It changed for us on that day. We grew closer. I understood where he was coming from and I became his only confidant.”
“And what’s he telling you now, Alex?”
“He’s petrified that if he tells you the truth, he’s going to lose you.”
“So, he lied?”
His eyes hold mine. “He’s just testing the waters with her, Lize. She means nothing. Trust me on this.”
Are you for real?
Nathan’s going to use a girl to test his waters, and Alex expects me to rejoice in this?
Anger bursts through me for him lying to me while lying beside me every night. For him using someone, for him sending his brother to talk to me instead of doing it himself, and for me acting like an immature idiot. The list is endless, and I can feel nastiness building on my tongue.
“I’m not discussing this with you, Alex.” I storm from the bathroom and into the bedroom.
“Then discuss it with him!” he calls from behind me as he follows me out.
I turn like the devil. “The only word I am capable of saying to your brother at the moment is liar.”
His face falls. “Don’t be angry.”
“I’m not!” I snap. “I’m going downstairs. You coming or not?”
His eyes hold mine and I know he’s disappointed at how our talk has gone. How did he think this was going to go?
“I’ll see you down there,” he eventually replies.
“Fine.” I turn and storm out.
It’s official.
Mercer men are pissing me off.