“Post-partum depression or postpartum psychosis caused by giving birth. That’s what you’re going through right now, Daze. That’s not overreacting, just like what others said, you didn’t mean it. Even you, doesn’t want it but suddenly you are attacked without knowing the reason and you are not aware.” Doctor Keisha explained.
“What is the reason why it happened?” Enrique asks. “How did she get this?” he added. He took me to Doc Keisha since he is my doctor. If you ask me, I don’t want this problem to come out. But Enrique wants to know what happened to me and how I can handle the situation. He wants me to be ok. I have no choice but to obey, not because I want it, but because I know he knows what’s the best—I think.
Last night I didn’t sleep well. Enrique and I were next to each other in his bed and even though he told me to sleep because he would watch over me, I still couldn’t sleep. When I closed my eyes a lot of thoughts started to run on my mind. I was afraid to sleep so the ending was two of us staying up because neither of us could sleep.
“Overthink. Anxiety. Post-partum hits newborns, captured. It’s called relapse in urban but in science it’s a kind of depression. It starts when you’re still pregnant because of too much negative thinking, until it gradually turns into anxiety and ends up in depression if not taken care of.
“They think she is useless and was not careful. Blame yourself until the mind becomes negative. And when it’s negative, that’s when you’ll have post-partum.”
“Did she think like that?” Then she look at me.
“Overthinking as a mother. Asking herself if she is worth enough to be called mom. If she can really be a mother. Can she stand up for her daughter. That is one of the reasons why a mother has postpartum. Others think, that she’s overreacting without any reason. Until she’s having a hallucination.”
“It’s in her hormones, it’s really in a woman. Not only in newborns, even women in the menopausal stage have menopausal disorders and one of her problems is the same as postpartum. Irritated, over-acting, overthinking. So the role of the husband is important and the wife should be the first to understand. Even those women who their period may experience pmdd or also known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder a week or days before her period and then disappear when after her period. Mostly that happens to middle age women. Same symptoms as postpartum.”
I looked at Enrique who was staring at me then looked back at doc Keisha.
“So one of his signs is irritated?” He asks.”Yes. Then he will be silent because he is already thinking negatively. Many people run through their minds but are unable to explain because they are afraid of judgment or they think no one understands them. If you ask her what’s the problem she easily gets mad and thinks that she is always being noticed. And so on, purely negative. Sometimes it’s her way to get attention and wants to say that she is not ok, but we just don’t understand because they don’t want to say it.”
“And Dandelion has this problem because she’s giving birth?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“But I don’t blame Ixora.” I said quickly. They might think that I am angry with my daughter because she is a reason why I am doing this. “I don’t blame anyone. I am happy to have her.”
“Hey, relax, I know that.” Enrique took my hand. “So, doc, what should I need to do being a husband to help her?”
“Aside from understanding. You should at least let her feel that everything is fine and she doesn’t need to worry because you are there for her and for your daughter. Make her feel that she’s important, that everyone loves her. Ask her, listen to her.” Enrique looked at me and smiled.
“I can do that. No worries.”
“Listen, Daze.” Doc Keisha faced me. “What you heard, what you saw, it’s all in your mind. It doesn’t exist. Nothing existed either. None of that is true because it’s just made up by your mind because of your sadness or incorrect thinking. No one whispers to you, no one wants to hurt you and your child. And you—–as a woman is worth to be called mom. You, as Dandelion Daze Dy-Locsin is loved by everyone, your family, friends, and your husband. They need you, they want you, and they love you.”
Enrique pressed my hand so I looked at him smiling at me.
“You are loved by everyone,” he said.
“Are you going to lock me herer?” I ask. I’m afraid they might do the same to me just like what I watched. Will put on a jacket and then join the crazy. “Will I never be able to go home to my family?”
“No, we won’t get to that if you help yourself. Also, attacking you only happens when you are irritable or angry and no one understands you so you lose yourself.”
“Is there any medicine that she needs to drink?”
“Others we give them sedatives or any anti-depressants. But I won’t advise it for Daze because I don’t want her to be dependent on drugs. She’s fine, she’s still normal except for being negative. Those people who need sedative immediately are those who have no moral support and are too busy thinking. But Daze is fine, no one really understands her that’s why she’s like that.”
“For now, just follow what I said. Understand her, let her feel that she’s not alone. And if you have time, bond with her. Make her happy to divert the negative thoughts into positive. Now that she’s aware of what happened to her, at least she can help herself.”
“Sure I will do that.”
I just listen to them. I just sighed. At least now I am aware of what happened to me. I hope I can handle it. I hope I’ll be ok. I will do my best to get back to the way I was before.
“Help yourself too, Daze. Your husband is willing to help you.” Enrique smiled at me and tapped my hands.
“I will be her for you, Dandelion.”
“I will schedule you to come next month so we can discuss any changes.” I just nodded in agreement to what she said.
After we talked, I left the office and waited there because Enrique still pay. When he came back, doc Keisha was with him and they were talking while walking. Enrique nods while doc Keisha speaks. I don’t know what they are talking about but I trust them.
They both shook hands. The doc waved at me and I just smiled and left in another direction. Enrique walked towards me.
“Shall we?” he asked and held out his hand to me.
He helped me stand up. While we were walking, he held my side. He also helped me get in the car and he even put my seat-belt.
When we were inside, I wanted to ask what he and doc Keisha talked about. It’s not that I don’t trust them but——I just held my breath. My negative mind started again. Maybe I shall start to practice now not to pay attention to small things and not to think negatively.
“I ask doc Keisha, what is good to do aside from staying on your side.” But Enrique seemed to guess what was on my mind so I looked at him. “It’s easy for me to understand you and let you feel important. But I want something that we can bond too to make you happy.”
He wasn’t looking at me but at the road but he also glanced at me and smiled at me.
“She advises me something and we can do. I will fix my schedule this week.” I wanted to ask him what his plan was but I chose to remain silent. He said that I should trust him so that’s what I will do.
“I’m sorry, Dandelion.” I looked at him again because of what he said. He kept his eyes on the road but I was looking at him. “I’m sorry if I’m one to blame why that happened to you. I should be the one to blame too.”
“It’s not your fault, I made this,” I said.
“No, it’s my fault. Because I didn’t understand you and I couldn’t say nice to you. I always fight with you. Ever since you gave birth, we’ve only been arguing and whatever else I said to you. Because I got used to you being a brat and quarrelsome so I thought what was happening to you was still normal. But I hope you don’t think that I don’t notice your sacrifice for our daughter.” He glanced at me and looked back at the road.
“Carrying our daughter for nine months, and putting one of your legs in the grave while giving birth is enough to prove how responsible you are as a mother. I saw all the changes in your body, the sacrifices while you’re pregnant. You forgot your own happiness, needs, and wants just to make sure our daughter is safe from your tummy until you give birth.”
I just kept staring at him because of what he said. We had just arrived at the mansion and the car had stopped. He turned off the engine and then looked at me.
“Your love for her is undeniable. You do your best for her and I saw everything. So if you think your worthless then you are not. You’re more than enough to be called her mother.” He touched my face and caressed it gently. I don’t know but what he said made me cry.
“Enrique?”
“You are the only one who has the right to be her mother. You are the only one who deserves to be Ixora’s mother and no one else.” My tears started to flow because of what he said. He wiped my tears using the back of his palm.
“I saw everything, Dandelion, and you have no idea how happy I am that you’re the mother of child. I secretly watch both of you always, and every time I see you two peacefully sleeping, I can’t help myself but to be proud and happy to have you both in my life. I am so thankful that you are her mother. That you give me the most precious gift that every man wants.”
“I am always proud of you, be proud of myself to have you, I got your back and it’s time for me to move. I will make up to you for my shortcomings. For my sins. I will make sure that you will be ok. I’ll help you get back to normal. I won’t stop until you go back to the way you were before. As long as the old you doesn’t come back because I already miss the old Dandelion.”
“What if I never go back to the way I was before?”
“Then I will stay with you. I will still be with you to support you, understand you, and support you. Forever. Because I will stay by your side forever.” I bowed down and cried. He pulls me and hugs me and rubs my back.
“I am still your savior, since then, now, and forever.” He pressed our cheeks together to kiss me as my crying got louder.