“I will take Ixora with me.”
“Where’re you taking her?” I quickly stand up and approach the crib when Enrique enters and goes to my daughter’s crib.
“I will take care of her so you can sleep nicely.”
“Nah, I can’t take care of her.” He looked at me evilly from head to toe.
“Look at yourself, Ixora is still one month but you lost a lot of weight. We have a nanny for her and maids, but you like a hopeless mother just like the beggar we saw in the road.” I looked at the human-size mirror on the side.
Does he still say that I am ugly now? Why, is it my fault that I want to take care of my child more than myself? Is it my fault if I prefer to give my child my full attention?
“Are you still eating? It’s like you don’t eat and sleep. Your eyes are even darker than our assistants here. They look more like a boss than you.” He took Ixora from the crib. I just looked at him. I want to stop him but no words come out of my mouth.
“We’ll be outside.”
“But—–”
“Sleep for fuck’s sake.”
I wanted to stop him and take my daughter from him but I remained quiet. How can I sleep if my mind is on my child? How can I relax if every now and then her safety is what I want to secure?
I sat on the bed and simply looked at myself in the mirror. It turns out that my appearance is really far from what it used to be and I only noticed it now. My eyes deepened and darkened, I lost weight, not only my face but also my body and I couldn’t take care of myself anymore. I can hardly take a bath—-no I really don’t take a bath because I’m afraid to leave my child.
But I don’t care, as long as it’s for my daughter, I can neglect myself. I don’t care if I look like a beggar or whatever.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Ever since I had a baby, I’ve been afraid to sleep or do anything. I just want to always be sleeping with her or she’s always a burden and I don’t want to leave her in the crib and maybe something will happen to her when I am not around. I also don’t want to keep her away from me because I’m afraid something might happen to her while I am away. Every now and then I am so worried about her.
I don’t know why, but I fear a lot when it comes to her.
I can’t eat well either, because I’m always in a hurry. There is a maid here and a nanny but I don’t trust them. I prefer to be alone with my daughter and I really want just the two of us. Not because I want to leave her. But I feel she is safer when no one else sees her.
Enrique and I only met here once. Only every night after work. He comes here to check on his daughter and spend a minute. Then ask if I need anything.
Recently, I noticed something. I just suddenly cry when I look at my daughter and I don’t know why. I’m afraid for his future and what might happen to her. If I can take care of her and raise her properly.
Sometimes I get angry for no reason. Everything becomes a big deal to me and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m not important and I feel irritated always. And honestly, I also notice something strange in my behavior. Although I am aware that I changed, and something is happening that I don’t like.
I heard voices. It wasn’t clear but it was like someone was whispering to me. Something like—I am not good enough to be a mother and I will never be good. Sometimes I notice that I am startled when the curtain moves. I saw images and shadows.
I will suddenly be afraid that my daughter might be kidnapped even though there is not enough basis but I am worried about her security. No one just gets in here, but I doubt everyone here. When an assistant comes in I become alert and anxious. Sometimes I lock the door and only open it when Enrique is about to come home because I know he will come in here.
I wanted to open up about this problem. But I’m afraid to open up to anyone. Maybe later they’ll say I’m overreacting. I’m used to judgment and I don’t mind other people’s opinions. But now, I am sensitive to everything and I don’t know why. I was suddenly afraid of judgment and that might be a reason for Enrique to keep my daughter away from me. I’m afraid they will say something against me. Not only Enrique but all of them, everyone, including my family.
I can’t rest without my daughter here. Even though I know Enrique is with her and won’t leave her, I’m still scared. I changed my dress and went outside. I immediately look for where they are. The maid said she was in the stable and carrying Ixora. I quickly went there while shaking. I thought that maybe later the horse would get lost and my daughter would get kicked. Or she might inhale some dust.
God, what is happening to me?
“Where are you going?” frowned when Enrique asked. Before I reached the stable, I met them. Ixora was in his arms so I quickly came to check on her. Maybe because Enrique didn’t notice and my daughter couldn’t breathe. “What’s wrong with you?”
I just looked at him and sighed but didn’t explain.
“I just want to check if she’s hungry.”
“She’ll cry when she’s hungry. I told you to take a rest.”
“I can’t sleep without her by my side. Give her to me.” Before he could even answer, I took my daughter from him and then returned back to the mansion without giving him a chance to speak.
He’s following us. He also followed entering the room.
“Did you talk to Ervic?” he asked. My daughter was still in my arms and I didn’t put her down.
“No.”
“What is his plan? What is your plan? He won’t come home to even see his daughter?”
“I sent him a picture.”
“It’s not enough. Give me his number and I will call him.” Ervic changed his number a while back so that his brother cant contact him. And because that’s what my brother ordered him to do. The last time I talked with him was three days after I was released from the hospital and I sent him a photo of Ixora.
“I don’t know his number.”
“You two should talk to each other.”
“He doesn’t want to go home, what can I do?”
“And you agree? You won’t do anything if your daughter is involved in this? Now that Ixora is here, he should at least be concerned because she is still his daughter.”
“If you can’t push your brother, how more about me?”
“Then, what is your decision now? You’re the mother.”
“What decision?”
“About your daughter. The best for her?”
Suddenly my mind was filled with thoughts. As much as I can think of, I don’t understand anything anymore and I don’t know what to do. I can’t think properly and make a decision. I don’t know what she really wants to happen.
“What now?” he asked.
“I don’t know.”
“What you I not know?”
“I do not know. I don’t know, Enrique.” I am starting to get irritated and at the same time, I am crying. Why did he ask questions? If he doesn’t want my daughter to be his, then, don’t. I would tell my daughter that she is from another man and I would just make him go to Ervic but the situation is different.
“You don’t know. When it comes to your daughter, you should all know what to do.”
Damn! My head hurts more.
“What will I do? kill myself so he can get out?”
“What?” He asked with a frown.
“I’m tired. Please, get out.”I saw him shaking his head. No one forced him to raise my daughter. I didn’t tell him so he doesn’t have any responsibility and now he’s pushing me.
“Get out, please. My daughter and I will rest, please.” He stared at me and left the room without even talking.
I can’t handle this kind of situation. It’s better for me to go home and be alone than to stay here with Enrique. My negative thoughts are only increasing because of him.
I sat on the bed and looked at my daughter.
“I’m sorry, baby if you feel sorry about this situation. Forgive mommy if I’m not a good mother. Sorry, because I don’t know what to do and what I’m getting into. I love you, and I want to give my best to you. But—-but I don’t know how. I am sorry if I made you feel silly. I hope you can forgive me when you grow up.”
And there I did nothing but cry and cry.