Right after I delivered and heard my baby cry I lost consciousness inside the delivery room. I just woke up in the room and they were all here. The doctor said that I am ok and that is normal because there are cases like that. Doc Keisha was also shocked that I delivered early because there were no signs that I was about to give birth when we went to see her. But she said it won’t affect the baby because she’s already in her weeks.
When I woke up my baby is not there. They said she was in the nursery. I have never seen my daughter and what she looks like. They talk and ask me but I don’t understand anything. I’m just tired of hearing them ask me so many questions.
I can hear them asking a lot of questions. I was disgusted and just wanted to be alone and leave. I wanted to scream to make them stop but I can’t. Maybe later I will be the bad one again.
“Do you need something?” I looked at Enrique but I shook my head. He was the only one left here because they had all gone home. They bought a lot but I don’t understand anything. They told me so many things that I just nodded.
They were going to take the baby earlier so I could see it but I said not to. I said that I want to sleep again and then I’ll check on the baby when I’m ok. They didn’t do anything but let me go back to sleep and that’s it-I woke up and they weren’t there but only Enrique was here with me.
“They will bring Ixora here to feed.” I didn’t answer when the door opened and a nurse came in.
“Good evening, time to feed the baby.”
“Oh, here she is.” I saw the excitement in Enrique’s eyes. If earlier his face was restless, now he looks like he’s having fun. He approached the small trolley pushed by the nurse and then took something. I just notice that it looked like a baby is inside. He walks closer to me. He handed me the baby and put it in my arms.
I look at my daughter’s face. For the first time, I saw her. But I can’t feel anything aside from emptiness. I don’t know what is wrong with me but—–but I am not happy. I feel empty, I don’t know.
What is wrong with me?
“Dandelion?” Enrique called me so I looked at him.
“Yeah?”
“Time to feed Ixora.”
“I do not know what to do.” Enrique looked at the nurse.
“Can you please help us?” He asks the nurse who walks towards us. He took a blanket and then put it on me.
The nurse instructed me and I just follow. Later, I felt someone’s mouth on my nipples. The nurse lifted the blanket and I saw Ixora’s mouth moving. I looked at Enrique who looked away.
I closed my eyes when I felt a tingling sensation. Something inside my breast exploded. I can not explain. It’s painfully tingly. I don’t know, all I feel is pain.
“It’s ok ma’am. Baby will voluntarily stop sucking when full. Before you put her to bed, make her burp first.”
“Can you stay here until she finishes? I don’t know what to do. Maybe she can’t burp or I can’t make her burp,” I said.
“Sure.”
The nurse stood beside me. Enrique doesn’t leave my side either. I just looked at the face of my daughter who was still sucking. She looks so innocent and helpless. She can’t do without any support and neither can I. I can’t support her alone.
And even now I fear for her safety. I’m afraid I might not be able to protect her. That I might not be able to do what should be for her. That I might make a mistake and something bad happens to her.
“How do I know that she doesn’t want to eat?” I ask.
“When she stops, ma’am. Then when you move your baby away and she doesn’t suck anymore, it means she’s full or she wants to sleep more. Sometimes even though mommy moves her nipples away, the baby still sucks and when mommy brings her back, she still wants to suckle.”
“I see.”
“Your first, baby?”
“Yeah,” I answered.
“You can get used to it too. At first, sucking the baby hurts, but later you will get used to it.”
“She stopped,” I said. The nurse looked at her. She slowly pulls my nipple until it is removed. Ixora was no longer sucking so the nurse covered my nipple.
“Lean her on you and rub her back.”
“I don’t know how to do it.” She helped me until the baby leaned on me. She’s like jelly and I’m afraid that she might slip out of my hand or that I might tighten my grip on her and accidentally break her.
I’ve done this to my nieces and nephews but why am I so nervous now? I feel so scared for her.
“Just caress it slowly.” The nurse took my hand and stroked the baby’s back. I follow what she said. I caressed my daughter’s back until I heard her burp.
“She’s done, ma’am. I’ll just get back to her later.”
“You can take her.”
“Huh?” the nurse asked me and then looked at Enrique.
“You can take her now.”
“Don’t you want to be with your daughter first, ma’am? With sir?”
“I already see her. I carried her and fed her. She needs to sleep more.” The nurse looks at Enrique. He nodded to her giving his approval.
“Go ahead.”
“Can she have formula milk?” I asked as I took her away from me and put her back on the trolley. Enrique looked at me with surprise.
“You can, but we really recommend breastmilk. Mother’s milk is healthier than formula milk. That formula is only for working moms or those who have problems with nipples or are not breastfeeding.”
“I can’t do it always. I want formula milk on her.”
“Okay, if that’s what you want. I will inform your doctor so that she can tell you what to do and what is the advisable formula milk.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m going to take the baby out,” she said goodbye and then pushed the trolley and left the room.
“What does it mean?” Enrique asked while frowning his forehead.
“Which one?”
“First, you didn’t let your daughter stay with you a little longer, and second, you want to feed her formula milk instead of yours?”
Tss! I just don’t want the nurse to get tired going back and forth here. Another thing is that when we go home, I will always be with the baby. That’s why I don’t want her to breastmilk because I often drink coffee. They said it’s not healthy for the baby either. So it’s not always just an alternate. I’ll just ask the doctor since I eat or drink a lot I don’t want her to notice.
“I have my reason, Enrique.”
“What reason? Partying and leaving her?”
“Don’t judge me. If you want, you can breastfeed her.”
“What?”
“I’m tired.” I turned my back on him and ignored him. Why should I waste my time explaining myself to him? He also has no one to believe but his side. Why a waste of time arguing with a person who can’t understand me?