I thought after that night Enrique and I would be ok. But no. We are back to the old us and keep arguing. There was this one time that he was mad at me and raised his voice and after that, he just left and ignored me. He didn’t say sorry or even apologize to me.
There was this one time also that he asked me to come with him to buy things for Ixora but I refused. It’s not that I don’t want to buy, but I thought of buying online so that we don’t have to hassle. What’s the use of the online shop, credit cards, and e-wallets if you’re going to make yourself busy?
But he misunderstood me. He thinks I’m acting and contradicting him when all I want is for us not to be in a hassle at all. Especially me because I get tired of walking because Ixora is a little heavy. I wanted to explain my side but he left me. He doesn’t even give me a chance to explain and listen to my explanation. I want what’s best for my baby too. But he thinks that his effort is not important to me.
The last time we had an argument, he kept saying that I am selfish and immature. I saw in his face how he held his anger. But I don’t care. It’s up to him what he believes in me. I’m tired of correcting him on his wrong beliefs.
Since then I haven’t talked to him. When I see him, I avoided him. When it’s pre-natal, I call a taxi early in the morning to leave and spend time in open coffee shops or anywhere. But he still got info from doc Keisha so he just came to the clinic to pick me up.
After that, we didn’t talk anymore and he just left me in the car when he got home. Although I know that he is taking care of me in other ways I still don’t want to talk to him. Like now, we’re in the car and we just got back from my last pre-natal and neither of us is talking because I ran away from him.
Any moment from now I can give birth. Baby’s place is low in my stomach. It can be this week and not later than next week. If there is no sign of labor, next week I will have to be forced to give birth. Either normal through inducing or cesarean.
We stopped at a traffic light that was currently red. From outside, I saw a pregnant woman carrying her baby. I think the child is less than a year. A cloth was tied around the mother’s body and there was her son who was sleeping soundly while the mother was knocking on the windows and holding out her hand. It’s like he’s asking for something from the cars. I think she is one of the beggars.
I held my stomach. I don’t know what happened to me but fear covered me. I was so nervous that I didn’t know why. I don’t want my daughter to experience that kind of life. I was afraid that she might become like that as a child.
I know it’s impossible. She came from a wealthy family. I and her father are both rich. In terms of material, I know that my daughter will not fall behind in luxury. She will not be hungry and I can buy all the necessities. But what if we lose her and find her like that?
Another thing that I suddenly thought about was if I could raise her properly. If she can be better with me.
What if I will mess up? What if I’m not really ready yet? I’m also just thrilled and I know that I didn’t expect it to actually happen. Although, I am happy. I know that I am not ready. Physically, and mentally.
What if my experience with my nieces and nephews is not enough? My responsibility to my own child is different from my nieces and nephew. They are not my responsibility because they have their own parents, but Ixora is mine and I should know how to be a good mother. My role to my nieces is to stand as a second parent. But all the knowledge, respect, etc should come to their parents first. And that’s what should be done with Ixora that right now I don’t know if I can perform.
What if I’m not a good mother? What if I make a mistake? What will I do? People around me will blame me again for not being a good mother because I am selfish and immature.
I never experienced mommy and daddy’s bond. I also never experienced being open with them. I am the youngest and I realized that I was just fed up with the material. The only person who always listens to me and I bond is my brother Dylan. Because my other siblings are busy with their lives and forget that they have a youngest.
But when my brother Dylan fell in love, I was blown away. Just like mommy and others, my brother just fed me with the material. He was focused on his love for his woman.
I didn’t realize that we had already arrived at the mansion. I just noticed that the driver’s seat door slammed shut. When I turned around, I saw Enrique walking into the mansion.
Not a big deal.
I got down and continued. I feel tired to think of something. I caught Enrique talking to someone in the living room but I didn’t pay attention until I recognized who it was.
“Hi, Daze. Your belly is big.” I roll my eyes at Lorelei. I ignored them and went straight inside the room. I don’t care about the two of them, even if they’re still together. I’m so tired of him and what he shows. Instead of understanding him, I will just think about how I can be a good mother to my child. I love him and that has not changed. But my love for him is not enough to fight for him mostly if he can’t return it back to me.
It’s time to put myself and my future child first. The chase is over for those who don’t want to chase. Whatever comes to us will not be accepted.
My ass had just slipped on the bed when my stomach suddenly hurt. I held my hip because it was also hurting at the same time. Suddenly, the door opened and Enrique’s face appeared to me with a frown.
“What kind of attitude is it?” I winced at his question because of the pain in my stomach. I didn’t understand what he said because I understood more about my stomach pain. “Lorelei greeted you in a nice way but you ignored and rolled your eyes?” He has an emphasis on the second.
“Can you just go out if you don’t say anything nice?” I lean towards him. I have no plans to fight him because my stomach is already burning.
“You are still immature until now. You’re going to have a baby but you’re still immature.”
“Yes, I am, happy? Now please leave me alone.” Keep my voice down, don’t let it be known that I’m struggling. I will not ask him for help. I would rather go to the hospital alone than ask him for help.
“I won’t be surprised if your son teaches you manners. Just now you are showing that you don’t deserve to be a mother.”
“Fuck!” I screamed when my stomach hurt. My grip on the bed tightened when I felt something flow down my thigh.
“Dandelion?” There was a surprise in his voice but I didn’t answer. I took my phone to call help but he was right in front of me. “Your water broke?”
But instead of answering him, I just squirmed. Doc Keisha said, when giving birth, the water will not burst immediately. Others writhed in pain for hours or even days before the water bag broke. Then it hurt me a little blast immediately.
“Come, I will bring you—” He was about to lift me but I avoided my body and blocked my hand.
“I don’t need your help.”
“Can you don’t be stubborn? I will bring you to the hospital.”
“I do not want!” I scream and push him. “Don’t come near me. I do not need you.”
“Dandelion. Your water broke. Can you stop arguing?” He came to me again and held me. I tried to push him but he was stronger so I couldn’t do anything.
He lifted me. While he was walking, we passed the maid and she ordered them to take the bags from the room that we had prepared. Right after he got off me, the assistant came and put the things on the back seat.
He immediately started the car. He looked calm while I was writhing in pain.
“You have to calm down. Doc Keisha said you have to calm down.”
I ignored him. I just held my stomach and calmed myself down. Only the pain is really bad and it feels like my vagina wall is about to open.
‘Any moment from now you will be out, baby. Any moment from now I will see you. And that’s where everything will begin for the two of us.’
“Dandelion. We’re close.”
Can I do it?
Can I really be a mother?