My senses have improved dramatically, but something else that I have noticed is my anger. I feel my blood boiling inside me. Trying so hard to control it, I don’t want to blow my cover. I don’t want Mary to know what I know. If she gets any idea that I am up to something, my plan could go very wrong. So wrong that I actually might kill her.
She thinks the first move should be me naming my mate as my 2nd in command. Usually, packs have male alpha’s and the females are their Luna. In this case, it’s very much different, since the female is the alpha. I want to avoid making it official with Ivan. I don’t love him. I’m aware that I should since he is my mate, and I’m met to be with him, but I feel nothing.
I was always told once you find your mate that the bond is unbreakable. But the bond that I have is nothing. When I look at him, all I feel is disgust. Sporadically, I get that tingling feeling of attraction, but it soon just fades away. I want to feel something. I don’t want to be different. I get tired of being such an outcast to all traditions. But I came to accept the fact that I am different from all the other wolves. I am truly one of a kind.
I hate that I have to speak to Ivan about what is going on, even though I don’t want to. I don’t know if I can trust him. He has deceived me so many times, everyone has. I feel that the only one I can trust is myself. Even though he did not say anything to Mary about me knowing about her secret. At least, I don’t think he has. But that still isn’t enough for him to prove himself to me. To be honest, I don’t think he could do anything that would make me trust him.
I don’t want Ivan to think that all is forgiven, and we are going to move on and live a happy-go-lucky together. That will never be the case. I will never feel the love that I should that I’m meant to feel, it’s just not there. No one is more surprised than myself that my heart belongs to someone else. Knowing it has been for a while now. Just not wanting to admit to myself. I know that it’s unheard of not feeling for your mate and wanting someone else.
Wondering if I’m making the right choice, or if I should just stop and do what tradition tells me to do. Then I think to myself, Is a life really worth living if it’s all a lie? To be with a man that I don’t love for the rest of my life, to pretend that he is the one for me when in all reality he is just a prop to make everything look normal and okay. I know that I have to do it, It’s just sometimes. What I have to do isn’t what I really want. Even though it is what has to be done.
I will pretend because I want to find Jayden, so we all can escape this together. I don’t know where Landon is, but we will find him, Jayden. I might have to live a lie for now but I am hoping for my future that I will live the best life with the people that I love the most in this world. I will fight for them, just like I would have fought for my family. I was raised that this is what we do for the people we love, we fight no matter the cost even if the cost is death.
I know that it’s time I need to set everything up with Ivan. So that things can proceed, and I can gain more trust from Mary. She thinks that she is the one who is deceiving me. As I look into the mirror, my smile grows big. Because I know that I am the one who is deceiving her. That may not be today or tomorrow, but it will be soon that I will Find Jayden and run from this hell And they will never find us again.
I finish my hair as I get the brush and I put it into a ponytail, I look into the mirror as my eyes change color back to green. I smile, my face full of deceit. Not sure that I like it, but knowing it is what has to be done. I don’t want to leave my bedroom, but I need to. As much as I don’t want things to start, they have to. As my hand starts to turn the door knob, I take a deep breath and open the door.
As I look out my bedroom I see other werewolves hating that they’re in my cabin but knowing they’re there to serve their alpha. As I step into the hall, they all stop what they’re doing to bow to their alpha. I raise my hand and say, “that is unnecessary. You do not need to bow to me, please continue your duties.”
They made me feel like I’m royalty, when in all reality, I am no better. I might have the power to heal and the strength of many. But the cost that I carry with me isn’t worth all the power due to never really being free, always being chased and the chance of being captured and worse of all the people that I love always being in danger right beside me.
I go to walk to the sink to put my dishes in the sink, but I am stopped by another she-wolf “hello alpha, let me get those for you.”
Not even certain what her name is, I look at her with a kind smile and say “thank you.”
As I am looking around the room, I look for Mary, but I don’t see her. I become curious, wondering where she may be, she was supposed to be here by now. As I am walking to the door I look at all the other wolves that are in my cabin, Becoming nervous because there are strangers in Myspace. I want to tell them to leave, so I bite my tongue and I continue to walk to the door.
Right before I go to open the door to leave my cabin. That’s when my body runs into another. I can feel steam radiating from his body. His smell makes my insides tingle. As my face is into his chest, I don’t want to move, inhaling his scent, I go to look up. So happy and relieved that he’s OK. But my words are stopped because I can tell That Landon is not here from the kindness of his heart. Because I can feel the anger radiating off of him.