Clara’s POV:
As soon as I woke up…. everywhere began to itch.
But the more I scratched, the more I felt as if the problem lied beneath my skin rather than ontop. I was immensely frustrated that I could do nothing to stop the irking sensation no matter how much I tried.
And in the same way, I relentlessly tried everything to rid myself of my past, but no matter how hard I tried, it always comes surging right back at me.
And now, I’m left with that same feeling… frustration and torment.
There were thousands of unanswered questions on my mind. Things like: ‘How is he here? Why is he with them? How long has he been out of the hospital?’
I knew not the answers to any, but I wanted to. I wanted to know everything.
A few years ago when one of my relatives had said they coincidentally saw him on his death bed at a nearby hospital, I felt both relieved and scared.
I didn’t know how he ended up in that position, but I only found the courage to visit him months after I heard, but as soon as I asked the nurse about his whereabouts, I was told that he had been moved to another hospital and they couldn’t disclose where. Back then, I had no way of knowing what state he was in nor how close he was to dying.
And the sad part… was that I desperately wanted him to die a very painful death, yet another part of me didn’t want even a scratch on his body.
The gods must’ve took that decision into their own hands it seems … and now, I have witnessed him alive and well. I’m still confused to this day, whether to cry of happiness or of sorrow.
However, right now, I’m pretty sure that my watery eyes held nothing but fear.
“… guns have already arrived, the drugs however, have not. Garret, do you not recall when I said there should be no more fall backs?”
The sound of Kasan’s voice nearing the room as his feet softly thudded up the stairs had me immediately throwing the duvet over my head. Sloppily swiping away the tears that rolled down my cheeks, I pulled my knees up to my chest then allowed my body to go completely still.
I didn’t want him to see me in this state…. If he did, what would he think of me? How would he react?
“You’d better pray that the truck arrives in the next four hours….” I heard the door unlock, before closing once more. Then the sound of him trudging inside filled the room.
“You know what happens otherwise… Hmmn… Search every inch of the graveyard and pack everything neatly, I’ll call you back in a few. Don’t make me have to take you out, got it?”
Then the place went silent… silent enough for me to believe that he had left the room. But I didn’t hear the door reopen. Is h–
“I know you’re awake.”
In one swift movement, the duvet was ripped from over my body and thrown to the floor, then instead of the sight of white silk, the face of Denzel entered my vision as he stooped at the bedside. “How are you feeling? I could hear you sniffling from downstairs.”
I flinched, blue eyes brimming with dread. He heard? H-How?
“Does it hurt anywhere?” He reached his arm out to brush my hair out of my vision, eyes staring down at me with more tenderness than I’ve ever seen them portray. But that said tenderness actually did the opposite of soothing me.
He was doing the thing that I hated the most…. pitying me without even knowing one thing about why I’m like this.
I shook my head in answer and quickly threw my arm over my face just enough that he couldn’t see the faintest signs of sadness nor the tears that had dried on my cheeks.
“W-Where’s your friend… L-Lucas? Did…” I gulped. “D-Did he leave?”
He scowled in an instant, his lips downturning with distaste. “It looks like you wouldn’t have voluntarily told me about the sour relationship between you siblings.” He moved his hands which were settled right at the edge of the bed and crossed them over his chest. “It’s a good thing I decided to dig that up on my own.”
“What?” Appalled, my eyes bulged out of their sockets and my fingers which concealed my face shook vividly before my eyes. “Y-You dug into my past?”
“I needed to know why someone like you seemed incredibly afraid of a small fry like him so I had my men check your background. I already know a bit of what relationship exists between you and Lucas. If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you kill him however you want. It’s a good thing he doesn’t die easy. You can beat him half to death as many times as you wish…”
“W–What?” My whole body drained of colour.
“But I suggest you kill him once his memories have returned. It ain’t no fun killing someone who doesn’t even remember what they’ve done.”
… Once his memories return? Doesn’t remember what he’s done?
I-It couldn’t be…
Whilst my mind went into a frenzy, confusion completely splattered itself over my face.
Just as he perceived my expression, he sighed, a look of uncertainly crossing his features.
“Lucas has amnesia.” He finally breathed, “They say it could be permanent. However, a little torture can make anything possible, can’t it?”
Amnesia? He has amnesia?!
It’s hard to believe… it’s hard to even think of… But somehow, I couldn’t find it in me to doubt anything that left Kasan’s lips no matter how much I wanted to nor how preposterous it sounded. I could do nothing but slowly process the revelation.
The man who tortured me for years has lost all memories of it? He doesn’t remember the sister he tormented simply because he wished I never even existed?
It’s unfair… It just feels unfair. Why wasn’t it the other way around? Why didn’t I forget everything?
I wasn’t always fiery and hyper a few years back, instead, I was as innocent as a blooming flower. But Lucas… he made me change, he forced me to change. I wanted to forget it all, everything regarding him and my past. And the only time I could do so, was when I let myself go completely loose whether in a full-on gunfight or a man’s embrace.
Him losing his memories now while I’m still seeking a way to forget is a tragic twist of fate… that’s indeed what it is. I know it doesn’t exactly make all the past go away. And I know it doesn’t change who he really is inside but…
… why do I feel so relieved? Why am I suddenly filling with hope?
“You’re looking pale.” Kasan pointed out after a short moment of silence, throwing my thoughts off course. Reaching an arm out, he ran his fingers down my cheek while his eyes darted over my face in a seemingly worrisome manner. His expression was almost cringe worthy. When have I ever seen him worry over anything?
“Do you want to go out and eat? Shopping? Training? Or we could head down to the basement if you’re up for it. I fucked him up quite a bit so he’s probably still out cold, but you cou–”
“No! Don’t hurt him!” I instantly blurted, cutting off the rest of his sentence as my eyes went wide with dread. Jerking upwards in the bed, I instinctively clutched the front of his shirt in panic, ignoring how my head throbbed at the sudden action.
The incredulous gaze Kasan sent me afterwards made me shudder. I must look stupid.
“… I don’t want to h-hurt him. If he has amnesia t-then…” His expression made me incredibly ashamed of how naive I sounded but I threw that thought away as quick as it came and continued to speak. “The truth is… my b-brother wasn’t always like that. He changed because…. B-Because I’m normal and he is–”
“Are you seriously fooling yourself into thinking that this is a good thing? Did you even see your face back there?” His eyebrows pulled together in irritation and he swiftly stood to his feet after lightly slapping my hand off him, stepping a few steps backwards. Then with an infuriated expression present on his face, he chuckled darkly, looking like an absolute maniac as he stood in the darkest corner of the room. “You looked as if the devil himself manifested before your eyes… And you’re telling me not to hurt him? You’re being ridiculous, Clara!”
Considering the way he was flaring and his veins were spasming, one would think he was the one who had been abused.
“If you won’t kill him, I WILL do it myself. I don’t care how he was before nor how much he changed now… but he won’t make it out alive whether you like it or not. Nobody gets away with harming you, memory loss changes nothing.”
I bit my lip… hard enough to draw blood. He looked adamant, as if he meant every single word of what he just said. And unfortunately, it was the same in my case. As he is MY brother and MY abuser, I decide what happens to him. Kasan has no say whatsoever!
I might seem dumb, no I am undoubtedly dumb… but it doesn’t matter. No one knows what happened back then nor what was cooking up in Lucas’s head. When we were kids he was always by my side… Fighting off bullies, taking the blame for silly deeds in my stead, cheering me up when I was at my worst, taking me to see the world when all father always did was hand me guns, buying me gifts and giving me more attention than my parents ever did…. That was all Lucas.
He was always the closest to me, but it was only after ‘that’ night that he changed into a completely different person.
“You…” I dropped my head in my hands as soon as I felt my eyes swelling with tears. “You don’t get to tell me that. You don’t get to hurt him. And you don’t get to decide! Why are you making it your problem when this has nothing to do with you!?” I clenched my fingers, almost tearing through the skin of my forehead. “If you touch a hair on his head… I won’t forgive you.”