Erika and I still seating. We haven’t had a conversation since earlier after I burst into tears. I don’t know how to open the conversation about us. I admit that I missed her so much. But I also admitted that I lost her in my mind when I got in pain and lost my wife.
“How are you?”
“How are you?” we once question. “You first,” I said.
“I’m fine.”
“Tell me what happened to you.”
“I suffered from heart disease. I discovered that a month before Lileth married you. The doctor told me that I needed an urgent operation or I will die soon. I used to go to look for a donor but I didn’t have a match. So when we meet, I s push myself into you, I will die so I will give myself to be with you.”
“Why did not you tell me?”
“All I want is to be with you. I don’t want you to pity me and be and chose me over Lileth because I am sick. I don’t want to get you just because I’m sick.”
“Erika.”
“When I found out about your problem with Lileth, it also happened that I was scheduled to go to America because someone was willing to donate there. I said goodbye to Lileth and that I wanted to talk to you for the last time because we might never meet again but I didn’t expect her to tell me her problem. About his illness.”
“So you knew she was sick before you said goodbye to me?”
“Yes, she told me she would give her heart to me. So my departure did not continue. She also begged me to leave first so that we would not meet. She just wants you two to have time. Because she wants to be with you until her last breath. Even if she doesn’t ask for it I will still give it to her. Even if I don’t get sick, I will still go away because I know that she has more rights between the two of us.”
“Erika.”
“I know my place in your life, Dustine. Even though I knew I might not be able to survive the operation either. I gave in to Lileth because that was what was right for her. I am happy that I have given myself.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had such a problem.”
“I’m fine. How are you?” she asked. “I won’t ask you how you found out where I was because Dylan must have told you. How have you been since Lileth disappeared?”
“I do not know.” I look at her who is just staring at me. “When I found out Lileth has cancer I didn’t know what to do. I admit that I forgot you and all I can think about is blaming my mistake on Lileth. All my dreams for us were ruined. I am sorry.”
“You don’t need to say sorry, I understand.”
“When she dies. I could think of nothing but pain, regrets about what I did to her. Honestly, I committed suicide. Good thing that Dylan came on time.”
“Dustine?” I saw the shock and fear on her face.
“I have no choice but to follow her. I was very hurt. I am so sorry for everything I did. I have not even been able to make up for all my sins against her and then she will be taken from me. I lost myself, not until Dylan told me Lileth’s secret —— that you are her heart receiver.”
I didn’t take my gaze away from her. I also met her gaze on me. I want her to know that I am sincere in what I say.
“I was encouraged when I learned that you have her heart. It was as if I woke up from a nightmare. I don’t know, I don’t understand, as long as I just want to see you, you as Erika who I love, and as Erika who owns my wife’s heart. I’m sorry I took so long, I just want to check in my heart if I’m ready to see you.”
“Dustine,”
“I still love you, Erika. Believe it or not, I still love you. That hasn’t changed, maybe I forgot you when Lileth is sick but when Dylan mentioned your name I feel like all the hope in my life came back to me.”
“Do you love me as Erika who you used to love or as Erika who owns your wife’s heart?”
“I love you both. I loved you then, but I love you more now. But Erika, I’m not ready for us. I don’t want you to think that I came back because of my wife’s heart. I still can’t erase the memory of Lileth from my heart.”
“Dustine.” She holds my hand and put it in her face. Just like how Lileth always did. “I will not let her out of your heart. If you let me in again, I will stay with her so that we can both love and take care of you. I know that I can’t match or surpass her in your heart and I have no intention of doing that. To see you, to serve you, and to be with you is enough for me. Not only because that’s what I wanted then, but that’s also what I want now, and that’s also what my heart wants —- the heart that your wife once owned.”
“Erika.”
“I know I’m not perfect, Dustine. I also know that between Lileth and me she is more deserving of you than I am. But believe me, since Lileth’s heart came to me I have lost my skepticism about my gender. Most of all, I love you even more.”
“Erika, what did I do well to give you both to me? I did nothing but hurt Lileth and you too. But why did you both come back and both want to stay with me?”
“Because we both see your value. And we both know how you love. We know how pure your love is.” I can’t help myself but cry while bowing. “Dustine, please let me in. Not now, but I am hoping I can. Let me love you and take care of you. Let me serve you in how Lileth will care for, love, and serve you. Let me keep my promise to my sister and my promise to myself that when I survive you will be the only one I will love.”
“Erika, I’m sorry if I’m selfish. I’m selfish because I want to be with you because her heart is also with you. I am selfish because I love you as much as I love her. I’m sorry if I can’t forget her but I also don’t want to lose you.”
“Dustine, you don’t have to be sorry. Because I don’t think of Lileth as a rival but as a partner. Helping to take care of you to make you happy. Help and guide to make you smile. Lileth and I had no different intentions. That is to love you. Even without her, I still want her to be my guide to make you happy. I still want you to remember her.”
“Erika.” I cried and cried. She pulled me closer to her and hug me.
“I love you, Dustine. We love you both.” I cried to hug her back and kiss her on the head.
“Please wait for me. Wait for me until I finally accept my situation, our situation that I will enter.”
“I’ll wait, Dustine. I will wait for you no matter how long. Your daughter and I will be waiting for you.”