I had been looking at the paper Dylan had written at Erika’s address for several days. My head wound that hit the floor was healed so it exploded. I had an x-ray as well and the doctor said there was no problem.
I turned my gaze back to the paper lying on the table. I admit that I am excited to see her, but at the same time, I am confused. Should I need to see her, now? Now, I am still longing for my wife.
I don’t want Erika to feel bad and think that I can only want to see her because of Lileth’s heart. This is also my truth but at the same time, I really wanted to see her before.
I also don’t want to think that I’m just guilty because of what happened to my wife so I want to see Erika who now owns her heart. I was confused, I didn’t know what to do.
God knows I love them both. I admit that even when Lileth was alive I also wanted to be with Erika. I wanted to be with them both at the same time but my love for Lileth only prevailed because of how much I sinned against her.
And now, that one of them is gone and the other one remains. I can say that God does me a favor to keep them both in one person. I also know that Lileth wants me to be happy.
But why do I feel I don’t deserve it either. I don’t deserve to be happy right away. I was confused, too confused. I really don’t know what to do.
Whatever else I think will make me feel better I am still scared. I’m afraid my family will judge me because after what I did to Lileth, here I am looking for someone else. I’m afraid Erika will judge me that after what I did to her sister, I will look for her.
I love Lileth, and I want her back. I love Erika and I want her too. And now that they are in the same person I can’t explain how I feel. Lileth’s heart in Erika’s body and both of them I can keep with me.
But do I really deserve it? Do I deserve to go back to Erika and be happy with Lileth’s heart? After what I have done? After what I did to my wife? Do I deserve to be happy again? Do I have the right to continue living with Erika?
I leaned back in the swivel chair and shredded the paper and threw it in the trash. This is not the right, I guess. Who am I to ask for happiness if my wife did not happy when she was with me? But I tried, I did. I did my best but she still leave me.
I also immediately picked up the paper and arranged it when I looked at the wedding picture of Lileth and me. I lowered the paper and reached for the frame then stroked it.
“Do I still have the right to be happy?” I ask. “Do I deserve to be with you two?” Unlike the past days when I hold a picture of her, I cry. Now, I am in pain but not so much because I was suddenly relieved when I found out where her heart was. Wrong, when I found out to whom it went.
“Give me a sign. Give me a sign if you are really freeing me. If I deserve to be happy in spite of everything I do to you. Not now, not immediately but when the day comes.”
The window did not open but the wind blew into the room. I feel cold but instead of nervous, I smile. Tears welled up in my eyes as I smelled Lileth’s scent near me. The cold covers me as if someone is hugging me.
“I love you,” I said and started to cry. I miss her and I love her. But Dylan is right, she will never come back but I can be with her heart — with Erika.
I don’t know how many hours I cried. After I cried I felt the lightness I felt. Maybe because of the thought that Lileth give me her blessings. I can start a new life without Lileth by my side but I will keep our memories in my heart.
I took my key and drive. I’m going to the address Dylan gave me. I will deal with Erika as Lileth wants. Not as fast as we are right away, but at least I can see her. Besides, whether I admit it or not, it’s bad for others but I miss her too even when my wife was still alive.
A lot of thoughts ran through my mind. What will be my reaction when I see her. What I will do first. Will I hug her? How are you? Kiss? Fuck, what’s wrong with me?
I park my car outside the house where the address Dylan gave me. I immediately saw the familiar car in the parking lot and I wasn’t mistaken it was Erika’s car. My heart throbs in excitement. It was as if I was walking in the air and I felt like my foot was not on the ground towards the door.
I knocked three times but no one answered. I press the doorbell full of nervousness in my chest.
“Ye —- Dustine?” Dustine? And since when did Erika start to call me Dustine?
“Erika?” I swallowed as I stared at the entirety of her. And when did she also start wearing a simple dress? Every time I visited her she always wears a sexy dress or sometimes jeans. I only knew one person who loved the dress — and that’s my wife Lileth.
“Dustine, how —?”
“How are you?” I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to start our conversation. If before I didn’t know what to say especially now that I’m facing her.
“You can come in.” Erika smiles at me. The way she invited me to come is very tender. Not the usual Erika I know.
I go inside. She let me seat on the sofa and she took the juice. She sat in front of me and did not speak. We just sat on the same sofa but not next to each other.
I finished a glass of juice she gave me and was able to translate again but I still couldn’t open my mouth. She did not speak and neither did I. I wasn’t able to ask because I didn’t know where to start.
“Dustine.” I looked up when she called me.
“Yes?”
“Why are you here?” Damn. Why do I have this feeling that I talk to Lileth in Erika’s body? The way she acts, the way she speaks. I lowered the glass and arranged to sit down. I sneezed first before answering.
“Is it true?” I ask.
“Which?”
“You have Lileth’s heart?” I saw the shock in her eyes. “Is it true?” She averted her gaze and did not answer. “Erika, please tell me.”
“Yes.” Then he turned to me. “He gave his heart to me.”
“Erika.” Again, I am speechless. I no longer knew what to say. I wanted to hug her and kiss her. I miss them both and now they are both in front of me in one person. I can hug them both, kiss them both, and be with them without choosing which of them should be because if accompany because I can choose them both this time.
I just stared at her and didn’t know what to say. Until my mouth spontaneously opened to what my heart wanted to say.
“Can I hug you?”
“Sure.” Erika stand. I also stood up to greet her. She opened her arms and we hugged. “Dustine.” I didn’t realize that I was crying as I hugged her. The way she whispers my name is no different from Lileth.
I hugged her tight. I know she’s Erika, but the way she hugs me — I feel them both. Two affection and feelings in one body. The way she caressed my back, the way she whisper my name. Erika’s body and her voice are here but Lileth is what I feel.
“I miss you.” I don’t know who that’s for. All I knew was that it was the two of them. “I miss you, both.”
“I’m just here Dustine, we’re just here.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I hugged her tightly.