Everyone left and Dylan and I were the only two left in the room. I don’t know what happened to me. We are here on the veranda where we also talked before.
The last thing I remember was holding a gun, I pull the trigger, it exploded, I went blank and this was the next one.
“What happened to me? Did the bullet hit my head? Why wasn’t I taken to the hospital?” I ask then hold my head with a bandage.
“No, I caught up with you and pushed you. My push got a little stronger so you fell to the floor and first hit your head on the floor that is why you have a wound. We have already sent a doctor here and you are ok.” I looked at him badly. “I’m sorry, I was surprised and scared, I forgot to slow down.”
“Should I thank you for saving my life?”
“Yes,” cause you deserve something else. Why did you do that?” He asks. But instead of answering him, I cried. “Are you stupid? What if you die?”
“I miss her.”
“And because you miss her you will waste your life? Do you think she will be pleased with what you did? You are not the only one who longs for her but you are the only fool who will end life just because of longing. You will not win by choosing to end your life. You’re a loser dumbass, loser to give up. Do you think you win when you die? Stupid, you lose because you chose to give up above all, you lose because you wasted the good opportunities that can come to you that you will not experience when you die.”
“I do not know what to do.”
“Move on, have a happy life. Why did you make yourself suffer.”
“How can I move on if I can’t forget my wife? If I haven’t forgiven myself for what happened?”
“Dave, Lileth is gone. How long will you blame yourself? How long will you mourn? Is it just repetitive, Dave? Shall I repeat that she will never return? You are here, can’t you just waste your life. She was already in the world for her and do what she had to do there. So you do what you have to do here.”
“You don’t understand me, Dylan.”
“I’m the one you don’t understand. Lileth doesn’t want you to suffer, she wants you to live your life to its fullest. Dave, Lileth will be happier if you are happy.”
“How? How can I be happy without him?” I didn’t hear anything from him so I looked at him. He looked at me and did not speak. “See yourself, Dylan. She’s the first one you loved and I know that’s why you can’t get serious because she’s still the one you love. I also know that even if it’s impossible you still hope she comes back. How, Dylan? How do you manage to be ok even when you’re not really ok?”
“I’m fine,” he answered. “I’m ok because I accepted that she doesn’t want to. I’m ok because I accepted she doesn’t love me anymore. I am ok because I chose to be ok. Because I want to be ok. Because I was able to be ok. So you, you can also be ok if you want to be ok.”
“Dylan.” The only word I said. I don’t know how else to argue with her. Or let’s say how can I win her over because everything he said was true.
“A part of her is in this world, her heart, literally.”
“I saw her. I am not sure if it’s my consciousness but she told me you know something.”
“What do you mean?”
“She told me that I should have asked you.” I got no answer from him. He only looks at me. “Dylan.”
“She visited you through your dream.” I was able to sit up because of what he said. Is that really true? That your loved ones who passed away visited you?
“What do you mean?”
“What exactly is holding you back from not moving on, Dave? Lileth has cancer before she marries you, which means it’s not your fault what happened to her, It’s her destiny to die at that age. Whether you are good or bad she will still die. Whether you stay together or not, she will still pass away. Now tell me, what’s stopping you from tying the pain to her even if you can continue because that’s what she wants.”
Tears shed from my eyes. I remember the kids that I killed. If Lileth had really visited me with our children I would have been even more hurt because I didn’t give my children a chance to live.
“Guilt, because I killed my children.”
“If you don’t kill them, Lileth will die at the same time. This means that she will die even earlier. Not with cancer but with pregnancy.” I frowned at what he said.
“What do you mean?”
“Lileth has an ectopic pregnancy.”
“What does it mean?”
“Your baby wasn’t in her uterus.”
“Huh?”
“They’re both grow in a fallopian tube, which means if they will continue to grow until four months, there is a chance that Lileth’s uterus will explode and cause heavy bleeding. And with Lileth’s condition that she already has ovarian disease she will definitely not be able to cope if her fallopian when explodes. She will die quickly.”
I met his gaze to check if he was lying.
“I am not lying if that is what you think. And first, I thought she just said that to clear your name. But when I took her record, it was clearly said that one of the reasons for her cancer because of her condition. Lileth had the said disease since she was young.”
I don’t know how to react with. I don’t know if I’ll be happy because I’m not at fault or if I’ll be sad because I don’t know much about my wife. That instead of me being his sympathizer, I was the one hurting her. I don’t know how to react exactly.
“So maybe that’s the reason why she lost your child also, because —-”
“Yes, maybe.” He cut off from what I was going to say. “That’s all I held on to ease my heart and not get hurt too much.”
“Dylan, how? ——– How can you accept everything? You love her, you see her almost every day. How can you be so sad not to get hurt every time you see Lileth with me when you should be like that?”
“What matters to me is that I see her. Dave, you have to move on. You have a reason to move on. You have to accept that she is gone.”
“How? Where do I start?” I asked then looked away.
“By looking for Erika.” My heart suddenly throbs after I hear Erika’s name. I slowly looked at her.
Erika. I don’t want to meet her. Honestly, I miss her also just like how I miss Lileth. But I think that’s all maybe. Maybe it’s not time for us to meet. I love her, yes. But I think this is not the right time to meet her.
Before Lileth die, she told me to look for Erika. But when she died I did not even see her on the day of the funeral. I know I love her but my love for my wife is even heavier. And it doesn’t seem like a good idea for me to look for her just so I can forget the pain of losing my wife.
“Not the right time, Dylan,” I said and look back outside.
“Don’t you love her anymore?”
“Still, but it’s not time yet. I haven’t completely forgotten Lileth.” I can’t still forget my wife. He even told me in my dream to look for Erika.
“Even Lileth chose it for you?”
“She already told me.”
“Even Erika is the one Lileth left her heart for you to take care of?”
“What do you mean?” Suddenly my heart pounded because of what he said. I don’t know but I was suddenly excited because of what Dylan said.
“Erika has Lileth’s heart. She suffered heart failure and her option to survive is through a heart transplant. She has been looking for a donor for a long time, but no one matches her blood and other cells. Her body will only reject the heart of the future donor if the blood type and cells do not match. Lileth was her only match. She has a 50/50 chance to survive the operation whether her body will accept Lileth’s heart or not. Fortunately, she accepted.”
I don’t know what to say. I am excited and I don’t know why. When Dylan told me about the baby’s condition my heart lost weight somehow. When she mentioned Erika, I started to have hopes and thought that maybe I could still be happy in the future. Not immediately I hope the day will come.
And now —– now, I have Lileth’s heart back, through Erika. Is this a blessing or this is really my fate?
“Dylan?”
“Dave, the favor is all yours. Didn’t you love Erika? You can have her now, with Lileth. You can have them both in one body. The choice is yours, whether you run away again or face this opportunity.”
“Where can I find her?” I will ask. Dylan gives me his sweetest smile together with Erika’s address.