I’m seating in front of Dylan. Dad and Mom seat together. Dale and Dane seat together also. Daze isn’t here. Dad looks at me angrily and I can’t blame him. Mom’s holding his hands as if this is her only way to make daddy calm.
“How have you done?” Dad started. “Who taught you to hurt a woman, physically?” His voice raises a little but remains calm. I did not answer and I just remained bent over.
“Damian, remain calm.”
“Answer me, you shameful twat.”
“Dad, that’s below the belt. Dave made a mistake but I guess it’s too much if you call him something.” It’s Dylan trying to protect me. While Dane and Dale remain quiet.
“Why, isn’t what he did embarrassing? Is it fair for him to hurt a woman?” There is a place for every word of daddy.
“But did you listen to him first? You haven’t even let him speak to hear his reason.”
“Dylan Damon Dy. Whatever a woman mistakes done to you. You have no right to hurt her physically. If you think she’s not worth it, she’s not good enough, a shame, whatever she is — then leave her. Stay away from her, kicked her out of your house if you want, leave her alone, just don’t hurt her physically. What does a woman fight against a man’s strength?”
“When you’re angry, when you’re hurt, when you lose your sanity — you can’t think straight. All you know is to release your hatred.”
“Foolish reason. That is why you have a brain to use and think correctly. If you apply your emotions you can never win in battle. What’s the use of your brain? Apparition? Display to pretend you have a brain?”
“Because you are not in his position so you do not understand how he feels. You are our father but we have different levels of emotion. We are your children, but we are what you are. Emotions are not inherited, and habits, are sometimes even adopted around and by people with whom they come in contact. So don’t expect us to control like you are because you are our father.”
“But I do believe that you can still control your emotion. Not because you are my son, or you adopt it from others. But you, itself, know what is right and wrong and what to think first before taking an action.”
“Not everyone is like you. Try to step in their shoes, and feel what they feel so you will understand their feelings and emotions.”
“Damian, Damon, you two have stopped,” mommy scolded them so daddy couldn’t answer. “We’re not talking here to fight but to fix Dave’s issue.” Mom looked at me.
“Dave, what happens? Tell us, everything, son. We will listen, I will listen.”
“I hurt her thinking that she cheated on me.”
“Nonsense reason, better you leave her or you just stay away with her,” dad said but mommy looked at him with rebuke. He raised his hands as a sign of defeat.
“Go on, son.”
“Lileth is everything in me, she is the only person I have. The only person who wants me. I feel loved and important because of her. A love that I never feel even in you. She’s the only one who gives me the attention that I need. The only person that loves me and accepts me unconditionally. I am her first in everything. She let me feel that I am her everything, the center of her life. She makes me feel that I am in her world. Now, tell me, can’t you blame me that after I feel her love and attention I found out that she cheated on me? I feel betrayed by the only person that I think treasures me.”
“Are you saying that you didn’t feel the love with us? That you are not important? ”
“Why mom, do you love me? Am I important?”
“Of course, you are our child, you are our child, you are their brother.”
“Then, that’s not what I feel.”
“Dave, what are you saying, son?”
“I am no one’s favorite. Dad loves Dane and Dylan. Although they always fight with Dylan they can’t deny that Dylan is his favorite son. And you —- your favorite is Daze and Dale. Everything is all about them. But for me, no one likes me, no one loves me. When it comes to working, I am always the second option. I only get the position when Dylan and Dane are not in control and they can’t handle it. In the family, someone only talks to me when no one can talk to them. Someone only asks me when they have nothing to ask. I feel that I do not belong in this family.”
“Dave it wasn’t true.”
“It is mom. That’s what I feel. At first, I am happy and contented because Dane and Dylan’s with me always. But when they had their own wants and their own troops, I was left behind. I feel alone, empty until Lileth came. Now, tell me, is it my fault that I became a monster because I feel like the only person who cares about me cheated on me?”
No one answers me. They were all just staring at me. No one spoke. This is the first time that I talked about my feelings. Amongst us, I am the quiet one, a less talker. If you don’t talk to me, then I won’t talk to you either.
“Dave,” mom stood and sat beside me. “I am sorry if you feel that way. It wasn’t our intention to make you feel worthless. We saw you as the strongest amongst everyone. We thought that you can handle everything. Like Damon, easy on everything.”
“I am still a son, mom, and I need you.”
“I’m sorry son, I am sorry.” Mom hug me and caressed my back. “I didn’t know you were going through that. I failed as a mother because I neglected my other child. I didn’t even know you were carrying a heavy load.”
“I’m sorry, mom. I don’t want to embarrass our family. I’m sorry if I haven’t been a good child.”
“No, shh! I get it, I understand everything now. I’m sorry, too, son.” I cried on mom’s shoulder. I release all my pain, hatred, angry through crying in her arms. Some are right — there’s no more comfortable place than parents ‘ shoulders. There is no more resting place than leaning and wrapping in your mother’s arms.
SITTING on the last stares at the exit of this mansion. I was on my way home but I chose to stay outside first. I feel someone tap my shoulder and sit beside me. He lit a cigarette and popped it.
“If you fight me and criticize me, please not now. I’m so tired of blaming everyone on me. I accepted and I know I was wrong,” I said and wiped my tears.
“I just want to apologize to you,” he said and popped his cigar again. “I’m sorry if I left you when I had friends. I can’t take your trip and I found someone who can accompany me.” I wipe my tears while sniffing.
“It’s also my fault because I stayed away. Instead of making a way to get close to you I put a boundary between us. So when I felt lost, I lost everything,” I replied.
“Mommy is right, Dave, we thought you were strong because you are the one who doesn’t keep up. We didn’t know you were carrying that. But I hope you don’t think that you are not important to us, especially to me. You were my first ally, my first playmate, my first enemy and ally. So it’s not true that no one has a favorite of you, because you were my favorite brother before we got confused like this.”
I cried one after another because of what Dylan said. Dylan and I were all very close back then. While Dane stands like a mother to us, mostly to me. But Dylan is really my closest.
“I let you play with my toy before I play. You are the first I wanted to bite into food before I eat. I want you to put on my clothes first before I put them on. I show you my new things first before I show them to others. I ask you first what I should do before taking action. Your opinion is important to me before I act. So it is not true what you said you are just an option. Because you were my first before you left.”
I bowed and he continued with what he said while I was just crying listening to him. Because everything he told me was true.
“If I had a friend outside it was because I lost a friend inside the house. It’s you, Dave. You were the first to get away from me. The first one pushed me away from you. so I looked for another friend outside because my only older brother ignored me.”
“I’m sorry, Dylan.” I cried because of what he said. I suddenly realized that everything he said was true. I walked away from him and set a boundary just because I sympathized with him as I felt I was not important to others, especially our parents. I was jealous of everyone and even our closeness I broke up. “Forgive me.”
“I am on your side, Dave, I am not an enemy, not a competitor. I gave you everything I want because I love you. Just to make you happy I am ready to give up everything I have just for you to be happy like before.”
I cried one after another until I felt him hug me and pull me closer to him.
“I’m always behind you, Dave. I can give up everything for you, to you, I will stay by your side even if you don’t need me.”