Everyone leaves one by one. Lileth and I were the only ones left in her room. I sat not far from her. It was enough that she was not afraid of me. I want to talk to her and settle our problem. After what happened I still do believe that we are both victims. I may be harsh to her and hurt her, and I understand why everyone hates me. But I am still hoping that they understand my side also.
Lileth has a traumatic syndrome. Fear of someone come closer to her. She was kind of afraid to be touched or approached by someone. And because I was the one who often hurt her, her fear went to me. She develops this illness when she loses blood.
I can’t blame her for her reaction to what she went through with me. She really had the endurance because she was able to endure all that. She survive my wrath. My anger and hatred towards. I don’t know where she took the strength or what he was pulling to be able to get through all my punishment. Maybe, he really just loved me that way because she endured everything.
I did not speak. He was just sitting on her bed. I just waited for her to open but she didn’t. I could hear her deep sigh then look out the window.
“I’m sorry for what I did,” I started. I don’t know how to start a conversation. “I remember everything that happened. I am sorry, and also for hurting you thinking that you cheated on me.”
“From the day you did that unintentionally until you became angry with me, I have forgiven you because I know you are innocent. You are not at fault, you are a victim like me.”
“Why?” I did not hear anything from her. She looks at me and starts to shed tears. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why you lied? Why didn’t you tell me the truth, Lileth?” I hold back my own tears. I’m choked on how I feel but I try not to cry in front of him.
“I don’t want you to be angry with yourself.”
“And it’s okay for you to make me mad at you?”
“Because I love you. I don’t want you to belittle yourself so I chose to take everything.”
“But you told my brother? You have been more honest with him than me your husband. To me who ruined your life. Shouldn’t tell me first because I’m your husband? I am the one who makes wrong. So if anyone can correct it, it should be me and not the others. If only you had admitted to me the truth from the beginning. Hopefully, we have long since fixed this problem. We should not have come to this point.”
I also could not hold back my tears. No matter how hard I tried and how stubborn I was, they also went ahead voluntarily. I tried to stand up but my own feelings betrayed me.
“I’m afraid to say because I don’t want you to blame yourself, Dustine.”
“Now, am I not blaming myself? Double that, triple that. Because my sins have piled up on you. From my having an affair, to killing our child, to hurting you. I blame myself for all that.”
“I’m sorry, Dustine,”
“Why are you like that?” I can’t help myself but to cry harder. I bent down and burst into tears. “Why do you always set aside my feelings? Why am I always just option and second to everything? It’s always too late for everything. And even with the problem that I have to fix, I’m still late?”
“Dustine.”
“Lileth, you just value me. You were there when I questioned my worth in my studies. Up to work, and to my family. You always put me first on your priorities so it hurts me so much to know that you have another man besides me. Because I thought like them, like my family —– I’m just your option. Then now — still, to my brother you said it first than me. Why, Lileth? Why? What’s wrong with me? Am I not trustworthy? Am I not worth it to be first in the news? Am I not as good at fixing problems as Dylan?”
“Dustine, sorry.”
“I love you, I love you so much. But why do you doubt my love for you? Why don’t you trust my love? If you had told me the truth we would not have reached this point. Because if I get angry with myself because of what I did, I know that our love will also cover it. Because we will be partners with each other. Because of your love, I can’t do anything, Lileth.”
I don’t want to blame her but I want to express my grievances. I want to bring out my thoughts. I want her to know that I was hurt by what she did. It hurts even more to know that she didn’t trust me than to know I was to blame for it all.
I love her and I made her feel that way more than I could. She loved me and she proved it to me. But why didn’t she trust to tell me the truth? Why did he exercise her fear more than she loved and trusted me?
“Am I not worthy of trust? Is it hard to tell me the truth?”
“Dustine, no. I was just really scared especially with Terence’s threatening me. I also don’t want anything to happen to you so I just took care of everything.”
“Lileth I’m sorry.” I cried one after another. I want to come up to her and hug her tightly. I want to make her feel my love. I miss hugging her like before. But when I realized everything and I was ready to change this is what happened to her.
“Dustine, I’m sorry too. Forgive me if I lied to you. Forgive me. I love you so much that I don’t want to ruin you.”
“Go home, let’s go home,” I begged. “Please let’s go home. Let me fix this problem. Let’s start a new life, and forget the past.”
“But I’m afraid to approach you. Even if I wanted to, my body would tremble on its own.”
“I’ll stay in the other room. I won’t get too close to you. Let’s stay like this far. Please, please come with me. Let’s go home.” She did not answer me. “Promise, You can avoid me, and when you are close I will avoid you. Just come home with me, please.”
“If that’s what you want.”
“Lileth, sorry. Forgive me for everything I have done.”
“I forgive you, Dustine, forgive me too.”
I wanted to hug her but I just stayed where I was sitting. It was even more painful as a result of what I was doing than I knew the truth. Now, we have forgiven each other but I can’t approach her. I just stared at her as we both cried.
“I killed our children. The first and the second.”
“You don’t know the truth.”
“Can they still forgive me?”
“Dustine, they forgave you. Because they know you are also a victim.”
“I can’t say I love them because I was full of anger towards them then but now —– I regret what I did to them. They are my children, I killed my children.”
“Don’t blame yourself.”
“How can I recover? How can I get back the children I killed? I know it’s not enough to apologize to them for what I’ve done. I took their lives just because I was angry.”
“I know they forgave you.” The two of us were just looking at each other when suddenly a nurse entered.
“Sir, Maam needs to rest.” I stood up and wiped away the tears.
“I’m going home but I’ll be back tomorrow.” He just nodded so I got out and went to the parking lot. But when I got there I saw Erika standing near my car.
“Erika.” I approached her quickly. Her eyes were red as well as her whole face. “Something wrong?”
“Can we talk?” I nodded in response.
“Where do you want?”
“Just here.” I nodded again.
“About what?”
“Is it true?” she asked me. I don’t know what she’s referring to but it looks like I have an idea. “Is it true what Dylan said my brother is to blame for everything? Is it true that Martin and he made Lileth a sex slave?”
“Erika,”
“Is it true?” I nod as an answer.
“Yes, but you are not at fault. You’re out of it Erika.”
“So, is that true?” Her tears flowed one after another. She was restless and did not know what to do. “God. God.” She sat down and then cried.
“Erika it’s not your fault.” I also sat down and held her by the shoulder. “You have nothing to do with what happened.”
“He deserves to die. It should have just happened to him even though he was still my brother. What he did to Lileth is unforgiven. He deserves hell.” She wiped away her tears but still did not stop flowing. “How can I face Lileth now?”
“She doesn’t blame you and I’m sure of that.” I hold her hand. “You can visit her, anytime.”
“After what my brother did to her? And then I put myself into you? My brother ruined her life and your relationship and I almost ruined you two. How can I face her?”
“Erika, it’s not your fault.” But she just cried so I tightened my grip on her hand. “Erika.”
“We need to cut our connection, Dave,” she said and stood up.
“What?” Am I selfish if I also want to be with her? “No.”
“Let’s end this. And besides you already know my secret. I am bi, I feel attracted to a woman.”
“I don’t care, just stay what you are. I will still accept you. I still love you. Sorry if I get mad the last time we talk. I just feel betrayed and devastated but now — now that I am enlightened in everything, I still want you. Please stay.”
“Stay with Lileth.”
“Erika.”
“Stay with your wife.”
“Erika, please.”
“She needs you more than I. You need her more than me.”
“I also need you. Fine, not a lover, but at least please stay as a friend, a sister-in-law.”
“I want to talk to her. Not here, when she’s out.”
“Sure, the door is open anytime for you.” I squeezed her hand and kissed her. “Stay with me, please. Please.” She nods so I hug her tightly.
I need someone right now. Someone that doesn’t judge me. Someone who can understand me. I’m sorry again, Lileth. But I need Erika right now especially now that I can’t get close to you. Not as a loved one but I need her and at least someone I can talk to.