I wake up the next morning with a hollow feeling inside my stomach. The sky outside is grey and murky despite it being the morning. My thoughts immediately turn towards Brody and I sigh, sitting up in bed.
A soft knock on my bedroom door fills the silence around me —
“Come in,” I say, my voice heavy with sleep. The door opens and to my surprise, Dad pops his head around. “Hi honey, can I come in?” He says softly, his eyes filled with sympathy. I nod, giving him a small smile. “Sure Dad.”
He walks inside, his eyes scanning over my room. He probably hasn’t seen it for the past half year but I ignore the disappointment in my stomach. He’s always busy Bella, go easy on him. The truth is, it’s hard not having either of my parents take much of an interest in me. I can’t remember the last time I saw my mother and my father wasn’t even up to date with my bedroom. He’s hardly home and speaks to Jedd to find out what’s going on in my life.
“Jedd told me what happened to Brody, I’m so sorry Bella.” He says sympathetically, sitting on the edge of my bed. He reaches over and takes hold of my hand firmly. I open my mouth to thank him because it’s the polite thing to do but I’m unable to speak. I feel a lump wedge itself inside my throat and instead I swallow, inhaling deeply.
“He seemed like a really good boy for you Bella.’
I frown, my eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. I hastily move my hand away from his as I become defensive. “Why are you talking about him like he’s in the past? He still is a good guy for me Dad.”
He clears his throat, his own dark eyes flashing with confusion. “I just thought honey, with him unable to walk, you know — ”
I cut him off, angry.
“What? You thought because Brody has to learn to walk again that I should leave him? That he’s some sort of burden to me, is that it?”
I shake my head, climbing out of bed and pacing my room. In my sleep, my hair became loose from my hair tie and is now cascading past my shoulders. I run my hand through it, scraping it back.
“You’re so young Bella.” Dad says quietly.
“I’m old enough to make my own decisions. I’m old enough to not be shallow Dad! I love Brody and he loves me. You’re hardly in my life anyway so I don’t think you should be making decisions for me right now.” I shoot back, my tone of voice rising. Dad looks up at me from under his lashes, his face disappointed. I know my words wound him but Im too angry to care. I point at my bedroom door, signalling for him to leave.
“You’re going to be late for work.”
My words are quiet, emotionless. Dad sighs and slowly stands from my bed, running a hand over his tired face. “Bella — ”
“Go Dad.” I repeat, my voice wobbling. He nods silently before leaving my room, firmly closing the door after him. I inhale deeply again, closing my eyes. My phone pings and I walk towards it, noticing it’s lit up with numerous texts. Once I see Brody’s name, my heart somersaults in nerves.
Bella, can I talk to you?
It’s important.
I don’t want to do it over the phone, please come see me when you can.
I read over his texts, already planning out the rest of my Sunday. I’d get dressed and go to visit Brody in hospital as soon as I can. I quickly reply back to him, letting him know I’ll be there in the next hour. Once I’ve sent the text, I grab a fresh pair of denim jeans and a baby blue off the shoulder top before heading for the shower. I try to push Dad’s words to the back of my mind because I want to be positive for Brody. I want to be light to him during this horrible bleak time in his life.
*****
“Hi, how are you feeling?” I smile, pushing back his room doors. He’s lying up in bed, looking more healthier since yesterday. Numerous tubes and wires are still hooked up to him but I’m happy to see some colour in his cheeks. His eyes light up as he see’s me, drifting down my body before meeting my own once again. I blush at his stare, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. I decided to leave it out of it’s ponytail, partly because I know Brody likes it like that.
“I feel better now that you’re here,” he responds, his voice still croaky and low. I walk over to him and lean down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. His skin is warm and I close my eyes for a second as I feel his scent linger around me. I hand him the book in my hands, taking a seat in the chair beside him.
“What’s this?” Brody smiles, glancing down at it. His fingers stroke over the book cover, trailing over the words. “It’s my favourite book, you should give it a read,” I say quietly. Brody turns towards me, groaning in pain from the movement.
“Thank you Bella.”
“No problem,” I say quietly, reaching out for his hand. I place my palm in his, intertwining our fingers together.
“You look beautiful,” Brody says, surprising me. I blink a few times, my lips stretching out into a wide smile. When I look up at him, his eyes are full of sadness. I frown, scanning over his body.
“What’s wrong? Are you in pain? Would you like me to get a doctor?” I ask quickly, the worry inside of me growing. Brody shakes his head, glancing down at our hands before sighing deeply. He tears his eyes away from me and glances at the wall opposite him. I watch as his jaw clenches and unclenches, eyes filling with a thin sparkly layer.
“Bella, I have to tell you something.” He starts, his voice wobbling. He clears his throat and I frown, missing the way his hand feels in mine. I don’t understand why he’s suddenly acting so distant, so. . . broken.
“Right, the texts. What is it?” I ask him, waiting impatiently for him to speak. My leg begins to bounce up and down nervously and I silently will him to turn around and look at me. His eyes remain on the wall opposite him and he’s breathing heavily. Moments of silence pass between us and I begin to grow increasingly scared.
“Brody?” I question, my words just above a whisper.
“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath, reaching up to run a hand over his face. “Brody, what do you have to tell me?” I repeat, more urgently this time.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he whispers, his words wobbling. He turns to look at me, beautiful eyes filled with such sadness and sorrow.
“Bella, I’m breaking up with you.”
I sit there and simply stare at him, my face emotionless. Inside I can feel my heart stop at his words before slowly breaking in pieces. As soon as the pain hits me, my face crumples up.
“What?” I whisper, unable to believe I heard him right. I stand up, taking a step back. In the process, my legs shake underneath me and I stumble, almost tripping over.
“I have to do this Bella.” Brody says quietly, dropping his eyes to the floor.
“No! No, you don’t have to do this. Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?” I question him, my eyes filling with tears. The last thing I want to do is to cry but the pain is overbearing in my chest, increasing until its hard to breathe. I inhale desperately, clinging onto whatever oxygen I have.
“Please don’t cry Bella. God, please don’t cry.” Brody pleads, looking completely helpless. I glance around the room, silent tears streaming down my cheeks.
“What did I do wrong to make you not want me?” I ask him, my heart and mind full of confusion. Brody shakes his head profusely —
“I do want you! I’m protecting you Bella. You can’t be with me!” “Isn’t that my choice to make?” I yell back at him, full of hurt.
“No Bella. You need to leave, you need to leave and forget I ever existed, okay?” Brody says harshly however his words break up, breath trembling. I shake my head, refusing to believe him.
“How can I forget you ever existed? I love you Brody! I wake up every morning excited to see your face. Don’t do this.” I plead, hastily wiping away the tears staining my cheeks. My vision is blurred but I only have to close my eyes to picture every inch of his face. It’ll forever be sketched inside my memory.
“I’m sorry Bella, its over.” Brody says quietly, tearing his eyes off me and turning back to face the wall. I watch him for a few seconds, my heart threatening to burst through my chest. I want to scream at him to reconsider his choice, I want to scream how much I love him. I want him to know how much he saved me but instead I turn away, respecting his decision.
“Goodbye Brody,” I choke out, the cracks in my heart finally splitting into two. I walk out of the room and away from the hospital without turning back around. The entire time, I can’t stop the tears from falling, displaying my pain. . .
I wasn’t good enough.
I’ll never be good enough.