Four days, eight hours and thirty two minutes later, I’m officially cried out.
I pull the covers up to my chin, sniffling. The movie on my laptop begins to play and I close my eyes, unable to believe I’m back to watching soppy love movies once again. Now that my own love story has ended, I can go back to burying my head in others. My eyes are fixated on the screen but I’m not taking anything in, I’m
not really watching it. I feel like I’m watching from the outside, my mind too numb to register it for myself.
There’s a soft knock on my bedroom door but I ignore it, just like I’ve been ignoring it for the past four days. I haven’t showered, I haven’t changed, I’m a blubbering mess.
“Bella? I’m coming in.”
“No, leave me alone!” I yell, my voice hoarse and scratchy from hours of crying. The door pushes open despite my protests and Jedd walks in, sympathy filling his features.
“Bella, you need to go to school. I won’t call in sick for you anymore.”
“I don’t care Jedd, leave me alone.” I mumble, my eyes glued to the screen. The characters blur in my vision as fresh tears glaze over my eyes. He sighs heavily and walks over to my bed, taking a seat beside me. His scent hits me and despite the chaos and pain going on in my heart, his scent calms me down.
“Bells, please. I care about your grades, I care about you. You can’t stay inside this room forever watching the same movies over and over again.”
“Yes I can, movies don’t hurt me.” I mutter, hastily wiping away a stray tear. Jedd leans forward, pulling me towards his chest. I resist at first but the ache to have his arms around me finally gives in and I lean on him for support, crying softly.
“There’s nothing I can say to make it okay. There’s nothing I can say to make you get over him, it’ll happen with time. The only thing I can do is be here for you and make sure you’re still functioning Bella. Right now, I’m failing at that. Help me out a little here, okay?” He says softly, his hands rubbing in circular motions on my back. I cling onto him tightly, nodding my head.
“I know Jedd, I know.” I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. A sequence of tears slide down the sides of my cheek and I don’t make an attempt to move them.
“You’re better than this, you deserve the world Bella. You’re my little sister and I’ll do whatever I can to protect you. The only reason I haven’t confronted Brody over it is because I know he’s hurting too. He needs time.” Jedd says firmly, his voice growing angry at the mention of Brody.
“You won’t hurt him, will you? He’s already hurt so much. I don’t want anyone to hurt him.” I mumble, feeling exhausted despite sleeping for the past few days. Jedd shakes his head, his jaw clenched tightly as he pulls back.
“I won’t hurt him Bella.”
“Thanks,” I sniffle, reaching up to rub at my nose. Jedd stands up and walks over to my wardrobe, pulling out a dark hoody with denim jeans. He folds them over the end of my bed and I grimace, knowing what’s coming next.
“You have to go to school, okay? He won’t be there, he’s still in hospital.” Jedd says softly, noticing the apprehension on my face. I shake my head, my blonde hair floating around my shoulders.
“I really can’t face school today Jedd, please don’t make me go.”
He sighs, running a hand through his thick hair. I can see the worry behind his eyes and I instantly feel bad. He doesn’t have to do this, act like my parent. He chooses to because he loves me and sometimes, I forget that. I
forget that my brother is also my best friend and I step out of bed, walking towards him. His face flashes with surprise as I stand on my tip toes, swinging my arms across his neck.
“Thank you Jedd, I love you.” I say quietly before pulling back. His lips tug upwards into a smile and he motions at the clothes —
“Does this mean you’re going to school? And I love you too kid, I always will.” He says, reaching up to ruffle the top of my hair. I bat his hand away and nod, grabbing a towel from the inside of my wardrobe.
“Yes, I’ll go to school.” I say, giving him an uneasy smile. He nods at me reassuringly before leaving my room, a permanent smile on his face. As soon as he disappears, the fake smile I have plastered on my face fades, replaced with my broken expression once again.
I close my eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply whilst counting to ten. I need to do this, for Jedd. Brody’s face flashes through my mind and I bite down on my lip, the familiar feeling of my heart ripping out of my body hits me. All I feel is pain. I slowly slide to the floor, pulling my knees into my chest.
I don’t know if I can do this.
*****
“Have a good day at school Bella, text me if you need anything, anything at all.” Jedd says, waiting for me to leave the car. We’re pulled up outside the entrance, the crowds of students pushing past us to get inside. My hand rests on the door handle but I can’t bring myself to open it. I feel broken inside, all of the light inside me fading away into nothing.
Every time I look up at the school building, I think of Brody and I. The time we spent together (although it was short) was the best memories of my life when it came to this place.
“Bella? The first step is leaving the car,” Jedd says quietly, pausing to give me time. I nod my head, fiddling with the loose strands of my blonde hair.
“Can’t I go home? I’ll come back tomorrow, I promise.” I mumble, my voice timid and shy. Jedd shakes his head, reaching over and pulling the door open for me. The cold air from outside hits me and I shiver, sucking in a deep breath.
“You said that yesterday Bella. Come on, you’ve got this.”
I unfasten my seatbelt, slowly taking one foot out of the car before the other. Jedd gives me a reassuring smile before starting the car up again.
“Just remember to breathe, okay? You’ll be fine.”
I nod, slamming the catch door shut and watch as he drives away. My heart hammers against my chest as I turn, facing Haywood High.
Is it too late to drop out and move to the other side of the country whilst changing my name to Jermaine Percy?
Before I can even consider that option, my name coming from an extremely loud and extremely angry female catches my attention.
“Bella Winters! How dare you? Where have you been? Why have you not been answering my calls or texts?” Tia says firmly, stomping up to me in her black biker boots. I turn to face her, unable to disguise the pain in my features any longer.
She takes one look at me and wraps an arm around my shoulder, her eyes filling with worry.
“Come with me,” she murmurs softly, her vanilla scent ravelling around me as we walk in the opposite direction of school. I don’t care where we’re going, I simply place one foot in front of the other, allowing Tia to lead the way.