In less than twenty four hours, my marriage with James would be finalized. My name would change to Serene Robert. Anytime I felt bad about it, I convinced myself that things would eventually work out fine. After all, my parents would survive. They would be alive to see their grandchildren. Of course, I wasn’t planning to let James touch me yet. However, I had to make some plans, whether or not they were good ones.
“Your dress will arrive by ten.” Sherri pressed the tip of her pen against her lip, sucking her teeth, as she glued her eyes to the to-do list in her hand. She sighed, staring up at me. “Will go and get the cake ready. In the meantime, you can do whatever you want. You can take a nap or something.”
A weak smile formed on my lips. Smiling was all I could do for now. I was tired of crying. “Sherri,” I called, my voice low and scattered. “Will you be able to take care of Ryan? How’d you help him get rid of the heartbreak? Are you capable enough to do this?”
She dropped the book and pen on the space beside her on the sofa, and chuckled at me. “Pi-lease, I’m more than capable of doing that,” she bragged. “Apart from his sister, I’m the only one who knows him very well. In a short while, he’d forget about you.”
I scorned. “It’s not as easy as you think it is. I’ve changed Ryan very much. He’s so used to me.”
“Boring story.” She stood up, grabbed the cup of coffee on the center table in front of me, and took her purse from the sofa as well. “Anyway, see you in three hours. I advise you to remain here. Walking alone by ten isn’t safe for you.”
“Like you care.” I held my purse, standing up too. “Need to do something. Will be right back in three hours.”
“Whateves,” she added before leaving.
Scrolling my eyes through the silent room, that weak smile hovered on my lips again. Actually, I was smiling because of my thoughts. I couldn’t believe I would be moving to this gorgeous building. Still in deep thoughts, I sauntered to the long window that was almost the size of a door.
Looking out at the view of the city from the window, leaning my shoulder over the frame, I felt even more terrible. I wasn’t feeling any better. I had told Sherri that Ryan was really used to me. But, the thing was, it seemed like I was more used to him. How would I let go of my love for him? Marriage was a vow. If I got married to James, it meant that I would have to be committed to him alone. Could that be possible?
I winced when my phone beeped from the pocket of my hoodie jacket. Grabbing it, I swallowed when I saw Ryan’s text. Hesitant, I clicked on it.
“Hey pie,
Let’s go on a date tomorrow. We haven’t had much fun in a while. We’ve gotta stop acting like some kind of boring asses. What do you think?” he texted.
I looked up, blinking away my tears as I slid the phone back into my pocket. About pulling my hand from the pocket, something made my fingers shudder. Taking a look at what it was, I smiled on seeing the locket he had given to me. I opened it, abruptly cursing myself for betraying him.
“You don’t deserve this,” I whispered to his picture.
I stared at it for a while. As I did so, mixed thoughts raced my mind. Tonight was our last time as a couple. In that case, I should do something for him. I should let him have me to himself for the next three hours. I should make him enjoy himself.
Heaving, I kept the locket back in my pocket, determined to do this. Turning around, I headed out of the room, then out of the mansion.
***
On my way to Ryan’s place, I had purchased some birth control pills. I didn’t want to accidentally carry his child. After tonight, all I wanted was for our bond to break. I just wanted us to move on.
Since I knew the pin code for his door, I inserted it, and walked into his house. I scanned my eyes around in search of him, but he wasn’t in the living room and kitchen. Having some kind of doubts, I made my way to his room.
I closed my eyes and breathed hard when I reached his door. I wasn’t only nervous, I was also very hurt and upset. I sighed. No matter what, I wouldn’t let my emotions surpass my choice.
Uninformed, I opened the door, barged in, and stood by the threshold. He flinched when he heard the sound of the door, his neck suddenly squirming around. When our eyes met, he gaped. There was some kind of excitement in his look, as well as shock.
I stepped in. Gently, I shut the door behind me. I didn’t just shut it, I locked it too. I walked to the couch which was a few feets away from the bed, dropping my purse on it.
“Serene, what— Gosh, I’m surprised,” he said.
I turned to him. For a moment, I scanned him. He was shirtless, only a towel wrapped around his waist. That would make it easy to get him stimulated. I cleared my throat, and just smiled.
“How’re you doing?” Slowly, I slipped off my shoes and jacket. “Wanted to surprise you on purpose.”
“Oh.” He scratched the back of his neck, took a glance at my jacket, and looked at me. He raised his eyebrows. “Why are you taking those off? And, um, you locked the door.”
“Have you had your bath?” Like a maniac, I slipped my pants off. Well, my shirt was pretty long, so he couldn’t see my panty yet.
“Woah, woah.” He held his hands up, chuckling weirdly. “What’re you doing? You’re gonna tempt me, you know? And, uh, you don’t want us to—”
Ignoring his words, I just walked to him. I took his hands, put them on my hips, still smiling at him. “What’re you saying?” I crawled my fingers all the way from his chest to his jaw. “Don’t think I understand you.”
“This is weird.” He attempted to pull his hand off my hips, but I stopped him. Again, he chuckled weirdly. “Are you trying to play a prank on me or something? You’ve never done something like this.”
“You look hot tonight.” I held his neck, dropping kisses on his shoulders and jaw. “I know you think I’m sexy. Why don’t we just play in your bed.”
“Goodness.” He sighed. Goosebumps rose on his skin, quite obvious that he was nervous. “I’m so confused. I mean, you just come in here, almost naked yourself, kiss me, say I’m hot, and say you’re sexy?”
I giggled. I was trying as much as possible to put my pain behind me. “When one talks too much”— I stared directly into those confused blue eyes. —”it could ruin a moment. A beautiful one.”
“Still don’t get this,” he said.
“Touch me, Ryan,” I pleaded. I leaned close to him, which made him step backwards, until his back eventually hit the wall behind him. I was pinning him to the wall. Ridiculous. “Use me to your satisfaction. Prove to me that I’m yours. Show me the ultimate love you can offer. Do your best. Make it extreme. If you can go on for hours, do it.”
“Serene, are you fine?” He put his hand on my forehead to check my body temperature. “Did someone drug you or something?”
“Thirty minutes past nine, I’ll leave your house,” I announced. I continued kissing his neck. “If it’s called fornication, so be it. If it’s a sin, let’s do it. Let’s just do everything. Make the first move, please.”
“I’m not—”
Noticing that he wouldn’t stop talking, I smacked my lips against his. I wasn’t kissing like a normal person. I was kissing like a lunatic. I parted his lips, immersed my tongue into his mouth, intertwining his with mine. I knew he was puzzled, but that wasn’t even important. Though I was trying my best to do something, he wasn’t making a move yet. I guessed I would do something first.
Not thinking twice, I moved my hands to his torso. About pulling his towel off, he jerked my legs, raised them up, wrapped them around his waist, swiftly turned around, and locked me to the wall.
“Stop,” he commanded, frowning a little. “Stop this now. Tell me. What’s going on? Only yesterday, you said you don’t want us close. Are you trying to satisfy my needs? See, I don’t wanna be selfish. Your sis once told me that you actually never liked premarital sex. When she said so, I felt like I had forced you to do this the first time we made love. A relationship is not about the other person’s needs. It should be balanced. Are you going out of your way to satisfy me? No. I don’t want that.”
I gulped. He was so unaware of my plans.
I just smiled. “Ryan, no. I swear, I want this. I want you tonight. Please.”
“You’re sure?” He stopped frowning. “I can’t—”
I pulled my index finger over his lips. “Enough now. Do what you’re supposed to do.”
He only gazed at me. After a while, he smirked. He pulled my waist, put me on his bed. Staring at me, he exhaled. He seemed glad, perplexed, worried, and even exhausted. There was no significant emotion in his eyes. He put some strands of my hair behind my ear, smiling warmly.
“Anytime I get close to you”— His hands crept to the tip of my shirt, gently slipping the cotton off me. —”I feel a great connection between us. It makes me love you more. It gives me assurance that our love will never die. You made me your first, and that alone makes me feel special. It makes me confident.”
I held my tears back. Gently, I raised my hand to cup his jaw. “I’m sorry for not being enough for you. I wished you—”
“I love you,” he whispered, and kissed my neck. He moved his hands to my back, gently unhooking my brassiere. “I just do. I think I’m obsessed with you.”
Eventually, the tears lingered in my eyes. “I love you too,” I whispered.
He flung the blanket over us. As if he also knew that this was our last time with each other, he smacked his lips against mine, kissed with all his life. His hands caressed my lap, separated them, and he dwelled into me.
The moment I closed my eyes, a tear trickled all the way from the corner of my eyes, down to the helix of my ear. Was this even love? I doubted. Instead, it felt like a sin. My story should be, “The lady who slept with her ex a night before her wedding”.
I was such a loser. An idiot. A gamer.
***
I stared at my reflection through the mirror in Ryan’s bathroom. Sprinkling my face with water, I swallowed. I hadn’t wanted to cry, but I ended up doing so. Well, Ryan hadn’t noticed it. He was busy enjoying my body.
Taking my jacket from the holder, I stepped out of the bathroom. The moment I did so, Ryan walked into the room, holding two cups of tea. He had obviously freshened up, looking good in that sweatpant and v-neck shirt. Seeing me, he smiled. He walked to his bed, and dropped the cups of tea on the nightstand.
As he walked to me, I took a deep breath. Just when he wanted to snuggle me, I stepped backwards. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let him touch me any longer. I was now someone else’s woman. I was done with him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I looked down. The burden hit my chest, sweat seeping on my forehead, though the air conditioner was on.
I swallowed. My hand rolled in a fist. Raising my eyes to look at him, I blinked once. Finally, I was going to say this. I was going to end this. And, most of all, I was going to move on.
“Ryan,” I called.
I didn’t know why, but I noticed he looked tense. He wasn’t smiling anymore. His eyebrows were curled, and it felt like he was scared of something.
“Is there a problem?” That came out as if he had sputtered the words.
I gulped down my tears. “Tonight, I’ve made my decision. It’s a final decision.”
“Hm?” He squeezed his face.
I inhaled hard. “I’m done with us. Please, let’s break up. Our journey ends here.”
—