Markian
The New York project couldn’t have picked a worse time to come, so I left Minnesota for New York 5days after the whole poison incident.
I was originally suppose to be gone for 2weeks at most, but I couldn’t survive more than 7 hellish and torturous days away from my wife.
I guess the unanswered questions and uncertainties of why Livy wouldn’t trust me enough to tell me important matters in her life hunted me all the while I was away from her.
Before I left for New York, i kept feeling like I’ll come back to an empty house and an ended marriage. And no matter how much I try to dismiss those thoughts and feelings, they still nudged in my heart for these 7days.
But, I made sure that before I left, Livy would never even think of the idea of betraying me like that again.
3more days to go but only heaven knows how hard I was fighting the feeling of going insane from being away.
After I was discharged from the hospital 9days ago, Heather was stern on me not seeing Livy unless she’ll have to sue her for embezzlement of company funds.
Knowing who Heather is, she doesn’t make empty threats and her fury is like none other, so I had to be careful so she doesn’t sense anything otherwise.
God! my mind was going haywire when Livy didn’t return, even after Heather had left the mansion convinced that Livy wouldn’t dare defy her.
I was pacing about in the lonely mansion with fear and unsettling feeling that Livy might have really left me.
I won’t say that morning of the incident wasn’t the scariest mornings of my life. But when I woke up at the hospital paralyzed, I knew there must have been a reason.
At first, what I thought when Heather barged into my office accusing Livy of poisoning my lunch was that, maybe everything Livy had said to me about how loving me was exhausting and how it suffocated her was all true- and that made me very sad.
So, if that’s how she felt and wanted me out of me picture, maybe- just maybe- my death would be the long lasting memory and truth I give her.
And for the first time, I gambled with my life and trusting on the uncertainty of what might be my wife’s true feelings for me.
I never knew I could love someone to that point, but I’ld rather die by her hand than lose her forever.
Which was why, when I woke up at the hospital alive, I was relieved to know that she didn’t hate me so much as to want me dead.
That night at the mansion, I was ready to pace all night if the morning would bring my Livy back to me.
Few minutes after 1am, I heard her car pull up and I can’t explain the sudden excitement I felt.
When she opened the door, it felt like my eternity of waiting was really just a fleeting moment. I wanted to run to her and hug her so tight she would struggle for breathe.
That’s when I realized that my life wasn’t truly complete without Livy by my side.
I wanted to let everything go and run towards her, but then I saw something in her eyes. She looked wrecked and tired, like there was a burden weighing on her.
And like always, she had that look like she wasn’t ready to deal and just wants to get out. Why won’t she share anything with me? Why is her only resort to keep things away from me every time?
If she really hates me that much then, why didn’t she finish me off this morning when I was completely at her mercy? If she didn’t love me, why did she give herself to me?
What more do I have to do to make her trust me enough to let me share in her pains and struggles.
I didn’t even know she was diagnosed with DID, and it hurt my pride even more to have found it out from Barbra.
Maybe it’s my incompetence as she says, I never listen. How can I understand her if I don’t know anything about her, and how can she trust me enough to tell me about herself, if I don’t show her how vulnerable I am too.
I suffered from OCD and PTSD after my kidnap and it took years before I could return to my normal life.
That was the why I ate that food after all, maybe she would understand that I trust her with my life, so she can trust me with her fears.
Heather wasn’t here, but she was still self conscious and it felt like whatever Heather had told her, really stuck.
She brushed pass me and rushed up stairs without saying a word, and in few minutes time she was back down with a duffle bag.
I stared at her in confusion and utter disappointment. Is she really about to leave me? Every single time she always chooses the option to leave me behind without looking back.
I wanted to stop her, oh… heaven knows I really wanted to. But for once I wish she would stay because she wants to and not because I asked her to.
If this house feels eerie for her, then I won’t ask her to stay. All I want is to feel wanted by her- to feel worth fighting for.
I tried to look into her eyes and get a little bit of clarity and hope- since her eyes usually reflect what she can’t say out loud- but she was avoiding my gaze.
“Where do you plan to stay?” I asked plainly.
If she doesn’t want to stay in our home anymore, then I’ll just have to follow her to her place of choice. I don’t think I can withstand the anxiety of being away from her any second more.
“My mother woke up today. I’m so excited I wished I could stay with her all day. I’m going back, Markian” she replied excited, but her eyes- they were sad.
They looked like she was fighting inside and my mind flashed back to her in the bathtub with blood dripping from her wrist, and fear engulfed me.
“Ok… be safe” I replied almost forced.
Those 3 words were the exact opposite of what I wanted to say. I didn’t want her to leave, but I didn’t want her to be under any pressure either.
She silently walked pass me after that and headed straight to the door. She wasn’t hesitating to leave our home- to leave me.
It was painful, but the moment she got into her car and drove off, I tailed her to her mother’s house. I waited outside the gate until it was about 3am and that’s when I sneaked into the Luthel mansion.
I didn’t want to wake anyone up, that was why I sneaked in- not because I didn’t want to be noticed. It’s impossible to sneak into the Luthel Mansion and not get noticed when there are security alarm everywhere. Judy probably knew I would definitely come, so she put the securities down for me.
Livy couldn’t sleep all night, but before I left at dawn she fell asleep like a baby.
The next night was longer so I couldn’t help myself but to go back to the Luthel Mansion, because I knew Livy was likely to have another sleepless night without me- and I was right.
She was always going in and out of the bathroom that night, I was scared I’ll eventually get caught.
Then she sneaked downstairs to get something from the fridge. I hid against the wall, careful not to make a sound but unfortunately flipped off a switch and the entire kitchen and living room went dark.
I carefully turned on the torch of my phone and went towards the direction Livy was, only to see her shaking on the floor. That’s when it dawned on me- Livy was terrified of the dark and I understood exactly why.
I picked her up from the floor and carried her to the living room. I placed her carefully on the couch and rested her head on my laps until she calmed down, and the sensor turned on the soft lights in the living room.