I am sitting here in this godforsaken place waiting for the women I love more than life itself to wake up. I want her to wake up and look her in the eyes and know that I am not leaving her in here. I am not losing her for seven years as I did with my mom. I don’t want to lose her; I can’t lose her. I will not be able to live if I don’t have her in my life, have her by my side if I can not see that beautiful smile or hear her laughter.
This morning I had to pack up our lives; it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I had to decide for her, a decision I have no right to make. But I have to save her; I have to save her from the monster the monster created inside her. I am scared to see the look on her face when she realized what I have done.
Then she opens her eyes.
Ava ~ “Hey baby.”
Trayton ~ “Hey baby girl.”
Ava ~ “Where are we?”
Trayton ~ “It’s a place that is going to make you better.”
Ava ~ “There is nothing wrong with me.”
Trayton ~ “Baby girl, they need to make the nightmares to go away.”
Ava ~ “I don’t need to be in here. Please don’t leave me in here. I am begging you.”
Trayton ~ “It is only for a little bit.”
Ava ~ “I don’t want for a little bit.”
Ava ~ “Please baby.”
Trayton ~ “Baby girl, it’s only for a few days.”
Ava ~ “Please, please. Don’t do it, please.”
Trayton ~ “Baby, I promise you.”
And now I am lying to her; I cannot promise her that it will only be a few days. I think I am lying to myself as well; the idea of not having her by my side kills me. I cannot bear waking up in the morning not being able to kiss and hug her and her not being the last person I see went I go to bed at night. I cannot imagine spending endless hours alone; I have never known how much I really love her than now.
Ava ~ “Trayton, please. Don’t do this to me. Don’t put me in here.”
She is starting to het hysterical.
Trayton ~ “Baby girl, please, we need to help you. I don’t know how to do it. Someone needs to help us.”
Ava ~ “Trayton no. No. Please no. Baby no.”
Then the doctor comes in.
Doctor ~ “Hey Trayton.”
Trayton ~ “Hey doctor.”
Doctor ~ “We are going to have to give her something. You know how it goes.”
Trayton ~ “I am not going anywhere.”
I watch as the nurses try to keep her still so the doctor can give her an injection. She is pushing and slapping them away, kicking the nurse that is holding her feet in the face. The more force they give, the worse the screaming becomes.
Trayton ~ “Doctor, do you have to do that. They are hurting her.”
Ava ~ “Baby, please make them stop.”
The nurses start wrestling her arms and legs down. Her body is squirming all over the place, the sounds coming from her mouth sounds like someone possessed.
Ava ~ “Trayton. Baby, please make them stop.”
I get up and pushes the nurses off her.
Trayton ~ “You fucking hurting her. Get the fuck away.”
I bend down and give her a kiss.
Trayton ~ “Baby girl, let the doctor gives you something to sleep. I promise I am not going to go away.”
Ava ~ “You promise.”
Trayton ~ “Yes I promise.”
I watch as she lets the doctor give her the injection. I hold her hand until she sleeps.
I love her, and this is killing me
She came into my life when I least expected it; I was a hollow, empty shell; I was not prepared to fall in love, least of all, be capable of loving. She took this boy, and she turned him into a man; she saved me from myself. I want to save her, I need to save, and I will sacrifice anything to make that happen
There is a saying I once read; I would rather have one moment with her than a lifetime without them. And it is so true, that moment that fate brought us together is the moment I would cherish forever. Being a lifetime without her would be like spring without the colorful flowers. She does not only live in her own skin, but she has crept into mine. I hear her footsteps in my heart, her voice in the passageways of my mind, and her love in my soul. She lives in me
I need to leave her for two seconds
When I get back, they have het pinned to the bed again.
Trayton ~ “What the fuck are you doing. Let her go, or I break every single one of you’s jaw. Try fucking asking her first before you treat her like an animal.”
Ava ~ “Baby, you were gone.”
Trayton ~ “Sorry baby girl, I had to go to the bathroom. Do you want to sleep for a little bit?”
Ava ~ “Okay.”
She lets the doctor give her another injection.
Trayton ~ “I would appreciate it if you stop pinning her down and jab needles in her. Fucking ask.”
Doctor ~ “I will speak to the nurses.”
Trayton ~ “Thanks, doctor.”
Doctor ~ “We need to talk about the treatment forward, but we can do that tomorrow.”
Trayton ~ “Then you will understand that I am staying with her tonight.”
Doctor ~ “Not a problem. We can meet early then.”
Trayton ~ “Thanks, doctor.”
I go and sit next to her bed.
Trayton ~ “I love you, baby girl.”
Ava ~ “I love you too. Will you lay next to me.”
Trayton ~ “Of course.”
I snuggle her into my arms, and she falls asleep.
It is not even a full day yet, and I am broken; I don’t want even to imagine what she feels like.
I spend most of the night awake, not because I can’t sleep but because of the nightmares. If it were not for them, she would be okay.
The next morning while she is still sleeping, I go talk to the doctor.
Doctor ~ “Morning Trayton.”
Trayton ~ “Hey Doctor.”
Doctor ~ “How did it go last night?”
Trayton ~ “She slept through, but she had quite a few nightmares.”
Doctor ~ “Tell me everything that happened.”
I tell him about the first time and now the second. He knows not to ask what happened to him.
Trayton ~ “So what are you going to do?”
Doctor ~ “We will have to get her on some tranquilizers. I don’t want to give her anything else until she has spoken to a therapist.”
Trayton ~ “Therapist as in Psychiatrist?”
Doctor ~ “Yes, a Psychologist will come later.”
Trayton ~ “How much later? How long is this going to take?”
Doctor ~ “It depends on her.”
Trayton ~ “Can’t she get outside help?”
Doctor ~ “We have to get her stable first.”
Trayton ~ “When is she seeing this Psychiatrist?”
Doctor ~ “We can do it today.”
Trayton ~ “Medication?”
Doctor ~ “Today but for immediate just the tranquilizers.”
Trayton ~ “So it is the meds and counselling?”
Doctor ~ “Yes, let’s start off, and we see how she is doing.”
Trayton ~ “And I am serious about this pinning down shit. If she needs an injection and I am not here, then you phone me.”
Doctor ~ “Trayton, you can’t also be here always. This is something she needs to learn to fight on her own.”
Trayton ~ “I don’t agree, but I understand.”
I phone my mom before I go back.
Trayton ~ “Hey mom.”
Mary ~ “Hey, my boy, how is she?”
Trayton ~ “Putting up a brave face. Do you want to bring her some things, she might be here a while.”
Mary ~ “We will be there in a bit.”
Much to my utter disgust, my mom and Jo are now together. I guess if he makes her happy, there is nothing I can say.
When I get back to the room, she is wide awake.
Ava ~ “Hey you.”
Trayton ~ “Hey you yourself.”
I lean in to kiss her.
The moment our lips touch, the world vanishes. I close my eyes, and all I can feel is her. Her warmth, her touch, her being. It is agony, knowing that I am going to be without her. My heart aches when my hands cup her cheeks, and I pull her towards me, taking her into my embrace. My whole body craves more, craves her. I feel tears stinging in my eyes. Nothing matters more than her.
Trayton ~ “How are you feeling?”
Ava ~ “I am tired.”
Trayton ~ “Then sleep. I will stay with you.”
She closes her eyes and drifts off back to sleep.
She had a smile there for a brief minute, and it made my heart skip a beat. I think that Dom is right; if there was any doubt, I know it now more than ever, she must get better and get out so we can spend the rest of our crazy lives together.
…………………………
A week later…
The first week was a nightmare itself; I stopped going home and stayed here; she refused to get any injections or take her tranquilizers. Which meant that I stayed so she will take her meds. She has constantly been sleeping, so she has not been able to see the Psychologist. A small set back but we are back on track.
…………………………
Two weeks since admission…
It’s been two weeks since she has been admitted. The meds the Psychiatrist gave her are now starting to work; at least now, she does not have to get those damn injections. But she is refusing to see the Psychologist.
Trayton ~ “Baby girl.”
She is in a difficult mood today.
Trayton ~ “Baby, you have to eat. You must take your medication.”
Ava ~ “I don’t want to. They make me feel sick.”
Trayton ~ “Did you tell the doctor?”
Ava ~ “No cause then he will put me on other shit.”
Trayton ~ “Baby girl, please tell him.”
Ava ~ “I will think about it.”
Trayton ~ “Why don’t you want to see the Psychologist?”
Ava ~ “She just wants to talk about my past. I don’t want to.”
Trayton ~ “Baby, you have to talk about it. Otherwise, you are not going to get better.”
Ava ~ “I will think about it.”
…………………………
A month since admission…
They have asked me not to be there so much anymore, some shit that I am holding her recovery back.
It is hard for me without her; in total honesty, I am not coping that well with it. It is true; I don’t know how to live without her. She is the glue that is keeping this broken man together when she herself is not together. When did it happen that we became so dependent on each other that the one will fade away if the other is not there? When did she became the sole purpose that I live? Without her, I am nothing. Why does love hurt so much when it is supposed to feel good?
…………………………
Two months since admission…
Trayton ~ “Baby girl, please, the Psychologist says you just sit there. You don’t want to talk.”
Ava ~ “I don’t want to talk to her.”
Trayton ~ “Then talk to me.”
Ava ~ “What do you want to talk about?”
Trayton ~ “What you are feeling.”
Ava ~ “Anything?”
Trayton ~ “Anything.”
What she does not know is that the Psychologist is standing outside the door.
Ava ~ “I am scared that you are never going to touch me again.”
Trayton ~ “Why would I not want to touch you?”
Ava ~ “Because he touched me.”
Trayton ~ “Baby, I promise you that I will never stop touching you because of that.”
Ava ~ “I am dirty.”
Trayton ~ “Never say that. You are not dirty.”
Ava ~ “Then why have we not been having s*x?”
Trayton ~ “Baby, I can’t fuck you here in the hospital.”
Ava ~ “Yes you can. Nobody is going to know.”
Trayton ~ “I am sure they have rules against that.”
Ava ~ “If you say so.”
Trayton ~ “Do you want to talk about him?”
Ava ~ “No. I am glad you killed him.”
I clear my throat and swallow hard; I did not quite expect her to say that. I can only imagine what the Psychologist is thinking.
Ava ~ “Why did he have to take me twice? Am I a bad person? Do I deserve to be treated that way?”
Trayton ~ “Baby, you need to be treated like a princess. You are not a bad person. Look how you made me a better person. Bad people can’t make people good.”
With that, she shuts off.
………………………..
Three months since admission…
I am only allowed to see her once a week. The doctor has put me on meds as I am not coping well. She is not getting better; she has one very good day then four bad, sometimes really bad. They are forced to give her injections again.
I miss Ava; I miss the woman I fell in love with; I know it is Ava in that hospital, but the real Ava is lost deep within that body, and she is refusing to come out.
Can a broken heart kill you? Yes, it can. I think what is destroying us most is being apart and not the illness that she is fighting. I am scared it is going to destroy us so bad that there won’t be an us left. I am all alone in that big damn house now; loneliness is a death sentence for anyone that knows he has someone they love, but they cannot be with them.
…………………………
Four months since admission…
It is going backward, absolutely no improvement since what was there a month ago.
I think you get a song, Fade Away; if I had it, I would play it repeatedly; we are dancing around in circles with no direction to go. I am a mirror image of the man I used to be, for I fear that I have lost her, and the reality of seven years is staring me in the face. If we can survive seven years; I don’t think so; she has lost the battle to keep her mind and have lost my mind because I could not save her. I fear that we lost.
My phone rings.
It is the hospital.
Ava has tried to take her own life.