Nikhil’s POV
I run a hand through my hair, not caring about the droplets of sweat dripping across my forehead.
I wince when the edge of the dumbbell drops on my foot, when I’m lost in my thoughts.
Sandy is driving me crazy.
I sigh, dropping on my couch, exhausted at the day’s events.
The worst part is, I’m unable to bring myself to be mad at her. I’m just… disturbed.
Her reasoning makes complete sense. I saw everything she went through first hand. I was there. Even though I rationally know she was right on her part, I couldn’t help be hurt inspite of that.
There’s just so much pain.
For the first time in years, as I close my eyes, I’m hesitant to see her behind my eyelids.
Is she even worth all the fuss.
Maybe, it’s time to let go.
The mere thought burns my eyes, deep pain pricking my heart.
No. She’s my girl.
Time.
She just needs time.
There’s no one for me, if not her.
I like you.
She said it. Finally. After years of waiting. Even though the moment felt bittersweet, it wasn’t any less magical. How I wished I could just hug her then.
A soft smile graces my lips as I think of her. All her imperfections make me fall harder in love with her each day.
I sigh, trying to get past the ache in my heart. Although it’s been there since years, I haven’t learned to be accustomed to it. And even though it hurts, it’s a part of me now.
After a certain points, even if the pain hurts, the heart is just used to it, a routine.
And I embrace every emotion related to Sandy whole heartedly, how much ever bitter it might be.
I snap out of my thoughts when my mobile pings, the hollow in my heart compressing or widening? I couldn’t really make out anymore.
Sandy is an idiot Nikhil. She didn’t mean half the things she said. Don’t take it to heart. She’s bawling her eyes out. Talk to her, please?
My eyes focus on the single sentence that tugs at my heart.
She’s bawling her eyes out.
Even though I felt upset, her being upset made me even more upset.
I’m such a gone case.
I rub my forehead, rereading the message Anshu had sent, as I send her a quick reply.
It’s fine. I’ll talk to her. Dw.
The fact that Sandy always has someone to rely on makes me feel at peace, although it pains that it’s not my shoulder she chooses to cry on.
How long?
How long will the pain last?
I blink back tears. Even though I felt like crap, I found it necessary to alleviate my love’s pain.
As I change out of my shorts and vest, I wonder if there will ever be a time she will put me before herself, like I do.
I shake my head.
I don’t need that much. Just a little will do.
I grab my keys, locking the door behind me as I make way to the hospital campus.
As I’m nearing the campus, my mobile rings, making me frown at the caller id.
“Anu?”
“Hey. Where are you?”
“I’m… outside”, I tell my younger sister, hoping she won’t question anymore.
“With who?”
“Just friends.”
“I had come to your place”, Ananya whines, “Did you forget about our dinner plan today?”
I curse out loud, “I’m Sorry Anu. It slipped my mind, “I press my lips, “Can we… do it tomorrow?”
“Are you with Sandeepthi?”
I wince, “No”, I press my lips, parking the car, “I’m going to meet her though.”
“I think you should let her go Nikhil.”
I distance the phone like it burnt me, “I can’t.”
Ananya sighs, “It’s useless meeting that girl. Come back home.”
“Anu”, I snap, my voice sharp.
“Fine. Whatever. I’m waiting outside your flat. Come back. Now. You can’t ditch me like this. It’s our routine.”
“You liked her. Didn’t you tell her you wanted her to be your sister in law? What happened to you all of a sudden?”
“I did. It’s just, you are very upset because of her. So even if I like her as a person, I don’t like her for hurting you so much.”
“She’s just been through so much Anu.”
“You’ve been through a lot too Bhaiyya.”
I keep quiet, sighing.
“Just… come home now. You’re on the way to meet her anyway. Just reverse your car. And come back.”
“It’s important for me to meet her.”
“Are you coming or not?”
I sigh, “Coming.”
“Good”, she cuts the call.
I glance at the hospital gate, an uneasy feeling gripping my chest, as I return back home.
***
I find it difficult to sleep as I twist and turn, Sandy’s teary face flashing in between my eyes.
What… what if she’s still upset?
I look around, grabbing my mobile from under the pillow.
Maybe I should find out how she is.
I sit up, my finger pressing the dial button, cursing myself when I saw the time.
I’m surprised to be upset when Sandy doesn’t pick up.
I’m about to disconnect the call when I hear her voice.
“Nikhil?”, she sounds surprised, as she should be.
It’s one am.
“Hey. I just called to check on you. Are you okay?”
Even if I’m a tiny bit upset with her, hearing her voice calmed me.
“I’m fine”, I hear her, followed by a sound of… sheets rustling?, “I don’t deserve such niceness from you Nikhil.”
I smile, “Were you asleep?”
“No. I wasn’t.”
I pause, “I-”
“Are you upset with me?”, I hear Sandy.
“I was”, I answer honestly, “But I also understand your reasons. It’s alright, Sandy.”
“Sandy? Why are you crying?”, I panic when I hear her sniffing, followed by soft cries.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean the discussion to go like that. I… really didn’t want to upset you Nikhil.”
The fact that she was upset because she thinks I’m upset with her brought a bittersweet smile to my face.
“I’m fine, Sandy. I’m not… upset with you. Stop crying, Okay?”
I am. But you’re already crying. I don’t want to bother you more than you already are.
I can take the pain for both of us.
“Okay”, I hear her sniff, “But if you are angry, just let it out okay? Don’t bottle it up.”
There’s only bottled up agony, not anger.
But that’s not what I say, “I’m not mad at you. So stop worrying.”
“Nikhil?”
“Hmm”, I hum, relaxing against the headboard.
“You know I don’t take you for granted, right?”
At this point, I really don’t know.
“I… know you don’t do it deliberately.”
“Nikhil”, there’s a tug at my heart when Sandy’s voice breaks.”Please. Believe me. I… I don’t take you for granted. Your feelings do matter to me.”
“I understand Sandy. You don’t have to explain to me.”
Please. Let this argument go. I’m not in the best mood.
“Anshu was right. I don’t deserve you.”
Pain washes through me when I hear the statement. Even though my heart is always at edge when it came to Sandy, I just couldn’t let her go.
“It’s not like that Sandy. You have your reasons. So, it’s alright.”
“Nikhil, are you mad at me, but being rational about it so you won’t hurt me?”
I really wish you understood me in every other issue Sandy, just not this one. When I don’t say anything, she continues to speak.
“I… I don’t know what to say or do to defend my actions. Anshu thinks my actions were rude and inconsiderate. Now that I think of it, I think I agree with her. I just… how do I rectify my mistake?”
This is what I loved about her. She speaks her mind, fiercely, fearlessly, coming front to sort things out, apologize for her mistakes.
“I agree I was upset. But I feel better now. Don’t beat yourself about it.”
“It’s kinda hard. But okay.”
“Let’s not drag this issue. Just forget it if you can.”
“I… I just. You know”, she pauses.
“Yes?”, I say, hoping to not sound very enthusiastic. I don’t know how much my heart can take in a single day.
I’m tired, Sandy. Please don’t hurt me further.
“I didn’t mean to come out so rude. What I meant was that we could-”
I cut her off, “It’s fine. I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself.”
“But I want to.”
“To utter more nonsense?”, I find myself snapping, losing control, “I said it’s fine. The truth won’t change even if you twist it around. I will come to accept in sometime that you can never love me the way I love you. And that’s okay. If or whenever we are in a relationship, my love will be enough for the both of us. I’m never going to blame you for the same. I know you said hurtful things. But I’m also saying it’s okay. I just… can’t bring myself to hear anymore today. Please. Understand what I’m trying to say. There’s only so much even I can take.”
Even though my heart breaks slowly when I hear Sandy’s soft cries, I couldn’t help it.
I am human too.
I just need today, one day to get back into the game.
And I’m going to be fresh as a fiddle tomorrow morning.
“Sandy”, I sigh.
“No. Say everything you have to say. Don’t spare my feelings. I’ll actually feel better if you just say what you feel.”
There’s a pause followed by a sigh, “Nikhil, when we are in a relationship, I can guarantee you that I will put equal efforts to protect what we have. I will not take it as a given that you like me more than I like you. That won’t be true for long. I’m on my way there. What you feel is important to me. But having said that, I am short tempered in the two of us. Although I cannot assure you that there will not be issues, I can ensure that I will be with you to sort them out. I don’t want you to be on edge. Just… I will appreciate it if you speak your mind without having the fear of hurting me. It’s not okay if you’re hurt because of me. I will not be okay if you hurt me. Similarly, you shouldn’t be too.
“I’d rather be hurt than hurting you-
“I don’t like hurting you either.”
“Sandy. Just like you are apprehensive about us, I am too. I am a calm person, I rationalise before I speak. And I’m not in the habit of hurting anyone even during confrontations, unless my tongue overrules my brain, which is very rare. And there’s no way I will hurt you, out of all people. Just like you have your own set of insecurities concerning us, I have mine too. You are you. It’s hard for me to put across a sound argument when you’re upset.”
“It shouldn’t be. Even though my feelings matter, you should let it out if I hurt you.”
My lips twitch, “When you like me as much as I like you, you will understand that winning the argument won’t bring you as much peace.”
I hear a sharp intake of breath, “May… maybe”, Sandy stutters, “But I’d rather you talk it out than bear it all alone.”
“Sandy”, I sigh, “If I have major issues that need to be addressed, I will bring them up. In this particular instance, I know where you’re coming from. I completely understand your frame of mind. So there’s no need for you to justify your words. That’s why I said we don’t have to talk about this.”
I sigh when I only hear sniffling from the other side. This conversation is going no where. And Sandy crying is making me uneasy. I could shush her if we’re face to face, but on call, it’s difficult.
“Okay listen. I was a bit upset. But now, after we spoke, I feel much better, Okay? I’m fine, completely.”
I am fine. The little effort she put, the fact that she cried for me, because she hurt me, considers my feelings.
Little things.
I am happy with little things.
“I feel good too.”
I feel my heart doing somersaults at the statement as a smile graces my lips.
If I felt good because my girl found it good to speak with me, I don’t know how far gone I really am.
I grin, the knots in my heart unwinding, “Go to sleep Sandy.”
I really wish I could hug you right now.
I hear her shifting, “Goodnight Nikhil.”
I hear her soft breaths, both of us unwilling to disconnect the call.
As the night lulls me to sleep, I could almost pretend my love was with me, near me. I think I really don’t mind going through hell for little moments like these.
Suffice to say, that night’s sleep was the best I had gotten in a while.