“No”, I clear my throat, “Just on time.”
Nikhil nods, gesturing me to walk in front of him, “You wanted company to shop?”
I shrug, “Are you complaining?”
“I don’t mind doing anything with you, Sandy.”
I laugh nervously, tucking some hair behind my ear, “I was just kidding.”
“I’m not”, Nikhil shrugs, continuing to walk forward.
Although the statement made me blush(for some weird-ass reason), it also made me uncomfortable.
I’m not a mushy person. Making cute moments awkward/hilarious is something I could do in a snap of fingers. So I quietly wondered to myself if I had to deal with intense eye contact and double meaning conversations in a hypothetical relationship with Nikhil.
I don’t know why , but the thought slightly worried me.
“Watch it Sandy”, Nikhil places his arm around my shoulder, preventing me from colliding with a lady holding shopping bags in her hand.
“Uh. Thanks”, I mumble, embarrassed.
Nikhil’s arm around my shoulder made me conscious, although I think he isn’t aware he’s wrapped his arm around me as he starts making random patterns on my arm.
“Where do you want to go?”, he asks when we reach a cross road, leading to different directions, different destinations.
I shake my head off crazy thoughts, “Uh. Can we just walk around for a bit? I’m not exactly in the mood for shopping.”
Nikhil looks at me strangely, though he recovers quickly, “Food court then?”
My lips twitch, food is something I really couldn’t deny.
The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach too.
Not just a man’s.
“Sure”, I let him lead me, as we settle on the couch, seated next to each other.
I take a few seconds to frame the next few sentences I’m going to talk, in my head, so I could be most clear, and least offensive. Just as I open my mouth to talk, Nikhil starts talking.
“It’s Okay Sandy”, Nikhil cups my intertwined hands, holding both of mine in one of his, “I know what we’re going to talk about. I just want to tell you that you can tell me anything. I will respect your decision, whatever it maybe.”
Nikhil being so sweet makes me feel like a total bitch sometimes. I really can’t match his level.
“No”, I shake my head, “You are misunderstanding. It’s not like that.”
“Oh?”
I pause, letting the waiter serve our door for the both of us.
Get over with it, Sandy.
Words flow easily as I start talking, “So, I’ve been thinking that maybe we should kinda… you know… to see how it goes?”, I flinch when Nikhil gives me a blank stare, kicking myself when my statement came out as a question.
“Could you elaborate?”
I sigh, “I… like you, Nikhil”, I say softly, “And… I don’t know how to say this without sounding selfish. But, you see, I want to just maybe see if we can date each other for a while if things work out between us?”
“I mean”, I frown when Nikhil frowns. Am I not explaining myself well?
“Tell me what it is. You don’t have to sugarcoat it Sandy. It’s okay”, Nikhil smiles.
For the first time since the years that I know him, I think I could detect pain behind that smile.
“I…”, I pause.
What I’m offering is utterly selfish. Should I go with it?
“Go on Sandy”, Nikhil gives me an encouraging nod, squeezing my hand.
Since I didn’t have the balls to look him in the eye when I say the next few words, I gaze at our hands, “I want to try this… thing out between us. I feel something for you Nikhil. But I don’t know if it’s deep “, I steal a glance at him, desperately hoping to see a smile, but all that I get is a solemn face. I don’t let it get to me though, as I continue talking, “I…”
“You want to experiment. To see if we are worth trying, if we are worth each other at the end.”
I flinch when the words I’m unable to spill out of my mouth spills from Nikhil’s.
“I don’t understand. You’re suggesting a relationship, are you?”
I wince, “I’m not. I don’t want to label us. You’re not going to be my boyfriend, or vice versa. It’s just… are you getting it?”, I ask quietly.
Guilt fills me when Nikhil gives me a hard stare, “You’re saying we are going to see each other, but not going to label our relationship. Are you seriously suggesting to be friends with benefits?”, he leaves my hand.
My eyes are wide as saucers, “No”, I snap, “What the hell made you think that?”
“You want to try things out. But not be in a relationship. What exactly are you suggesting then, Sandy?”
I squirm in my place. It didn’t sound as bad in my head.
I take in a deep breath, unwilling to make eye contact as I hold his hand.
The courage to speak comes back when Nikhil squeezes my hand, “Nikhil. Please… try to understand. I’ve never had these kind of feelings for you. I’m Dhruv’s ex, whom you are still in touch with. I had spoken to him the other day. I had straight away denied any kind of relationship when he had offered, and… I also mentioned that I like someone else “, I sneak a glance at Nikhil, continuing to talk when he nods, “Even though I didn’t mention your name, he guessed it. I just think… our relationship won’t be very smooth, if we are in one. There are just so many loose ends. That’s how I feel-”
“There are no loose ends Sandy. You just said you spoke to Dhruv.”
“I…”, I pause, “I know. But”, I press my lips, “I think complications are bound to rise when one is dating her ex’s best friend. So”, I shrug, “I think we should take it slow.”
“Sandy”, Nikhil frowns, “Are you saying we will have misunderstandings regarding Dhruv?”
I shrug, “We may. We can’t really rule out the possibility.”
“Let me get this straight. You want us to see each other, but you don’t want it to be official?”
“Yeah”, I press my lips, “We could casually date first, and then become official.”
It hurts me when Nikhil gives me a resigned smile, “It just means you don’t like me as much as I would like you to.”
I swallow, tears quickly welling up my eyes for some reason, ” You misunderstand, Nikhil. I just… I think we should be compatible before we jump into things.”
It twists my heart when Nikhil wipes away the fallen tear from my eye, his own glassy, “What if you think we’re not compatible, Sandy?”, he asks me quietly, looking away, blinking rapidly.
My throat feels dry at the question, “Nikhil…”
“I don’t mind if you don’t like me Sandy. But please… have the courtesy to respect my feelings. What if, after a while, you decide I’m not the one for you? Can you fathom what that will do to me? All because you don’t feel enough for me, because at the end of the day, that’s all I am to you, an experiment.”
“You’re reading into it differently Nikhil”, I whisper, biting my lip to prevent myself from crying in a public place.
“No. I’m reading it exactly how it looks like, Sandy”, Nikhil looks at me, “All this while, I’ve been desperate to hear any kind of confession from you. And when you finally said that you like me, I’m really wishing you didn’t.”
“Nikhil. Liste-”
“No Sandy”, the hold on my hand tightens as he intertwines our fingers, “I really do love you. I’m ready to wait for you to feel what I feel for you. But please, don’t just look out for yourself.”
“I’m scared, Nikhil.”
“I really wish I could do something about it. But this battle, you have to fight yourself, Sandy. ”
“A lot of couples start off casually dating too, without a label.”
Nikhil sighs, shaking his head, “Sandy, I totally get what you are saying. And it makes sense too. I wouldn’t have any issue if you straight away mentioned you wanted to date for a while before making things official. But your explanation and thinking is… disturbing. You want to see if we could work out, just check the possibility of us being compatible with each other. Though I don’t have a problem with that, I think you shouldn’t jump into a relationship when you already think it won’t work.”
“I didn’t say it won’t work.”
I’m surprised when Nikhil glares at me, “You want things to be casual. You want to check our compatibility before any progression. You think the relationship, whatever it is will not be smooth. Why do you even want to discuss this with me when you find so many loopholes is beyond me, when you clearly think our relationship won’t work out.”
“I just said why.”
“That you like me?”, Nikhil smiles, “Sandy, your liking for me is not enough if we’re discussing the cons of a hypothetical relationship.”
“I’m Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you Nikhil.”
“You didn’t”, Nikhil says, “It’s just difficult to hear these words from you.”
I blink back tears, “I don’t think our relationship won’t work out Nikhil. I’m just apprehensive”, I say quietly.
“What about?”
“I don’t know”, I shrug helplessly, “I really do like you”, I stress, “It’s just… I’ve been… hurt after Dhruv. I just want to protect myself.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it, Sandy”, he presses his lips, “Can I at least expect exclusivity while we’re seeing each other? Or…”
I recoil, blanching, tears making down my face.
“Shit. Sandy. That’s not what I meant”, Nikhil cups my face, wiping my tears, “You idiot. Why would I think of you that way?”
I sniff, “What else does that mean?”
Nikhil sighs, shifting closer to me, “You said we would be more than friends, but less than lovers, so I just asked if I understood right. The whole, relationship but not exactly a relationship’s exclusivity.”
“Of course, it’s exclusive”, I snap, “I don’t randomly propose to see other guys.”
“Shh. Okay”, he nods, wiping another tear, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. The question came out wrong.”
“It’s fine”, I nod, “I really like you Nikhil. I’m getting used to the idea of you and me. Just… give me some time, and I’ll be there.”
My heart somersaults when Nikhil beams at me, “I’ll take anything I get with you, Sandy”, Nikhil kisses my forehead.
I shake my head, “Don’t be so nice”, I mumble.
“It’s hard not to”, Nikhil strokes a finger on my cheek.
“I-”
“It’s fine. I think we should just let things go with the flow. It’s not going to help us if we plan these things. Let’s just… be normal with each other, and let time decide things?”
“Okay”, I nod.
Nikhil distances himself from me, sighing, “I think we should leave now.”
I stare at the untouched food.
“Yeah. Sure”, I say, frowning when he gives me a tight smile.
Did I actually screw up things before they even started?