Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
“I will break your mobile if you play one more not-exactly- situation-fit-but-situation-fit-song.”
Anshu raises an eyebrow, “Isn’t Let it Go one of your favorites?”, she smiles smugly, “Why is music bothering you now?”
“Cut it, Anshu.”
“Aww my baby.”
“It’s not funny”, I snap.
“Of course it’s not”, my best friend snaps back, “It’s your mistake, and you are sitting and wallowing in misery instead of setting things right. Real mature.”
I wince at her statement, “It’s not like that.”
“What is it like then?”, Anshu glares at me, “In spite of it being your mistake, Nikhil made an attempt to contact you, to make your ass feel better. And what are you doing? Four days later? I just don’t understand you sometimes.”
“I just didn’t get the time”, I say weakly, “Don’t make it sound like I’m trying to avoid him.”
“But you’re also not putting any effort to make things right. Nikhil didn’t say it. But I am saying it, trust me”, Anshu holds me by my shoulder, looking me straight in the eye, “You do take Nikhil for granted. One day, he will stop his pursuits, and even when you decide you want him that day, it’s going to be too late. Don’t push his limits. Don’t wait for that day. You’ll be the one that will lose the most.”
Anshu’s words are like a slap on my face as I squeeze my eyes shut, tears welling them quick, “I’m scared Anshu”, I whisper, “I… I don’t know how to deal with this.”
My teary eyes apparently don’t do shit to my best friend as she continues to berate me, “You are generally so fond of confrontations. And you decide to hide now that it’s your mistake? Do you even understand what you’re doing with your life?”
At this point, I’m not sure if I should just sit and cry or fight back, life, Anshu, everything, everyone.
I swallow the lump in my throat, unwilling to cry, ” Stop being judgemental Anshu. You of all people should know why I did what I did.”
“But there’s a way to deliver the message”, Anshu says, deadpan.
“Stop it alright?”, I frown, irritated, “I know I made a mistake. I want to look for a solution as well. Don’t make me the bad guy just because I had made one mistake.”
“Sandy”, Anshu sighs, rubbing my back, “I wouldn’t have been upset if you at least tried talking to him, but you just… have you even seen Nikhil the last few days? I am your best friend, but seriously, Nikhil doesn’t deserve what you’re putting him through.”
“I am not putting him through anything”, I say, exasperated, “Have you thought about what I am going through? Why the fuck does everyone think I am the one completely at fault. Okay, in this particular situation, I agree I am at fault. But Nikhil is no less. I sometimes feel, he says all the things he does to make me feel guilty about not loving him. It’s not under my control, why do people just not get it? You, Avyukth, Nikhil, Sneha. Just… what is wrong with you people? I suffered because of Dhruv. And Dhruv and Nikhil were or even are good friends. Do you understand how awkward it’s going to be for me if, God forbid, they decide to patch up better. And Nikhil is the kind to just bear everything till the limit. I seriously think he has a lot of pent up anger and frustration towards me, even if he loves me. It’s just impossible to love anyone more than one’s self. No one can deny that. So I’m Sorry if I want to take my time with him, and my heart. Okay maybe, the way I said it might be harsh, but the underlying statement is that, we really should start off casually dating. I still stick to my word. What’s wrong in that? The risk of a breakup remains the same even if you’re in a relationship or just seeing each other without any label. And the dating part is just metaphorical. It’s only the label that changes. The feelings or effort don’t change, right? So tell me why I am the biggest idiot for trying to protect myself?”, tears stream down my face
“Maybe Nikhil went through a lot. I’m not going to deny it. I know seeing the girl you like with someone else is difficult, but I’m willing to try now. And the world is mad at me because I want to tread carefully? Just like things have been difficult for Nikhil, they have been difficult for me too. Just because of one mistake of mine, his pain becomes greater than mine? You are my best friend. You were with me, helping me with everything. And you still say I’m in the wrong?”
“Sandy-”
“Nikhil wants me to be all in or all out. I know it should be like that in a relationship, but I don’t understand the issue. What’s pressing all of you guys’ buttons that I want to date him for a while before making him my boyfriend? I do like Nikhil. But liking is just not enough for a relationship to last. I’ve seen it with Dhruv. Trust, compatibility and other factors do play an important role. Everyone agrees, they just don’t say it. I’m at fault because I said it out loud? What’s the big deal if I want to us to be compatible enough before we dive into a relationship. It’s not like my liking for him or vice versa will vary if the label changes, will it? I want us to work out too. But I also want my mental health to be strong while I’m at it. It’s not like if we are casually dating I won’t grow feelings for him, but if he’s my boyfriend, I’ll straight away fall in love with him. No. The process will take time, even if we are acquaintances, friends, wooing each other or lovers.”
“You must agree that Nikhil and I are poles apart. The relationship won’t just stand because we like each other. We will have disagreements. And the way we handle our disagreements is poles apart. And because of that, we might have even more issues. Being someone’s friend is different from being their partner. I know nothing about him except basic things”, I wipe a tears off my eyes, “Why am I explaining this to you? Because ultimately, it’s me at fault because I want to take things slow. Because I hurt him. Once even, did you think that what Nikhil or all of you are thinking is selfish too?”
I don’t let Anshu speak as I barge out of the room, to get some air.
***
I wipe away the tears incessantly flowing from my eyes furiously, trying to keep my mind as calm as possible.
I take deep breaths, dipping my water in the pool in the farthest end of the hospital campus.
No one can find me here.
In. Out. In. Out.
After taking deep breaths for about twenty three times, I find my cheeks dry, my mind calm.
Now. Think Sandy.
I agree I shouldn’t have not contacted him for the last few days, but.
No buts.
Your mistake. Resolve it.
Right.
I take my mobile, dialing Nikhil’s number.
He probably really doesn’t deserve to be ignore for four days.
“Hey Nikhil”, I greet once he picks the call.
“Hi”, I hear him sigh.
“Busy?”
“A bit. I’m on duty tonight.”
“Oh”, I nod, swinging my legs in the water, “I just… It’s been a while we’ve spoken, right? So just thought of-”
“Yeah. I’m fine Sandy.”
I clear my throat. When the heck did things get awkward between us, “Um. Nikhil?”
“Yeah?”
“I was a bit… busy the last few days. Please don’t take it otherwise.”
“We are doctors Sandy. I understand.”
“I was scared to talk to you”, I admit softly.
“What?”, I hear his surprised tone.
“It’s just… that day…”, I frown when I can’t find the right words.
Nikhil only clears his throat, “Uh. Don’t sweat on it.”
I take a deep breath, “Are you free tomorrow evening?”
I’m almost sure I took Nikhil by surprise when I hear a sharp intake of breath, “Yeah. I am.”
“Do you want to go somewhere with me?”
Nikhil laughs, “Are you okay?”
I find myself grinning, “I am. So, what say?”
“Count me in.”
I’m still smiling when Nikhil disconnects the call.
Effort.
The least I could do is put in effort for the guy I like.
My smile falters when I think of the fight with Anshu. I don’t want Nikhil or anyone else to come in between us.
I run a hand through my hair, frustrated, as I get up returning back.
It’s time to set things right.