My husband was silent for a while before he raised his head and glanced at me. For the first time in many years, I saw his expressions changing from cold to soft with a trace of helplessness in his eyes. He lowered his head as his lips parted and closed. It seemed as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t utter a single word.
I was stunned seeing that kind of expression on his face. For almost a year, I was habitual of seeing a cold and expressionless face without any trace of emotion. So this kind of face surprised me a lot. For a moment, I felt my eyes soften as I continued to stare at his face.
Finally, after what it felt like hours, Lewis managed to gather himself together and took hold of my hand.
I gave him a surprised look and was about to take my hand back when he said, “Elise, I’m sorry.”
I tilted my head. Why was he apologising? Just then, I saw a bitter smile forming on his lips before he opened his mouth and said, “You’re my wife, and I was supposed to take care of your emotional and physical needs, but what did I do in the end? I ignored you for almost a year.”
I pursed my lips and lowered my head. He was right. He did end up ignoring me, which caused more problems in our married life, but I didn’t say a single word. What was the point of saying anything now? It was all too late.
I had already given up on us a long time ago. Before meeting Vampire, I was living my life like a dead fish that only has a last breath left in its body. The fish had enough energy to struggle for one last time, but what was the point? It was already dying, and even the world had given up on the fish.
I was similar to that fish for more than a year. I had seen my husband’s coldest expressions being directed at my face for months. How could I start feeling something for the man who had hurt me like that? Instead, I should have left him a long time ago already seeing that Lewis hadn’t loved me anymore.
But I stubbornly held on with a tiny hope that everything would be alright only to realize that my husband wouldn’t change at all. So when I started to break apart, slowly heading over to the darkest path in my life, Vampire appeared and brought me back to the light.
At the same time, Lewis also decided to change his ways and expected to fix things between us. But little did he know that there was a thick wall surrounding my heart that would never let him approach me like before.
It would never be the same.
When I thought of this, I sighed softly and raised my head, gesturing to him to continue his words.
Lewis pressed his lips together and said, “Elise, I know you resent me for doing this to you, for ignoring you, and believe me, I’m repenting everything. I-I…” He paused as if his throat choked up. “I even tried to rape you back then…”
“Let’s not think about the past.” I knew that our past was already dark enough to make him apologise to me for a long time. It was better not to think about it since those memories would only give me a heartache.
So he sighed and said, “I owe you everything, Elise. I have ruined one year of your life, and things have gone so bad between us that I don’t think you’ll ever forgive me for this. But I really wanted to do something for you, and that’s why I stayed at home to spend more time with you.”
I shook my head and took my hand back, averting my eyes. “It’s too mate, Lewis. I wish you had said that sooner.”
I was about to turn back and go back to the computer to continue writing when my husband caught my wrist and turned me back. For a moment, I felt like I saw a trace of anxious emotion in his eyes before he closed them and said, “Don’t say that. I want to make it up to those months we wasted. I was stupid, so stupid that I want to travel back in time and kill myself for doing this to you.”
I felt my heart moved, but I still wasn’t ready to accept him. If Vampire wasn’t in my life, I would have thought about accepting Lewis wholeheartedly. But now, all I could think of was an urge to hide in the blanket and let out a muffled scream. Still, I managed to keep a straight face throughout the time and pressed my lips together.
But my husband wasn’t done here. He opened his mouth again. “I wanted to stay at home for you. Since you’re earning from your book that’s already enough for the two of us, I don’t need to go out and work unnecessarily. But if you want, I can go out for you.”
I kept my head lowered and didn’t even glance at his face. Just then, he walked closer and his hands caressed my cheeks making me stunned. What the heck was this person doing?! He hadn’t been intimate to me for months, and now he was suddenly trying to show concern!
I wanted to say these words directly, but when I saw a broken expression on Lewis’s face, I swallowed back those words and avoided his hands that were touching my cheeks.
His hand remained in the air in a paused position for a moment before he sighed and lowered his head, giving a bitter smile to me. “This is because of me. I’m repenting everything I have done to you, ain’t I?”
I finally couldn’t take it anymore and opened my mouth. “I want to write.” And I placed the spoon on the plate and escaped. Even though I wasn’t full, I couldn’t deal with his emotional face anymore.
After that, I spent the entire time writing the novel, not daring to think about my husband or the words he had just uttered. By the time it was night, I stretched my hands and closed the laptop. Due to my husband, I had forced myself to write more than usual, and I could feel a lingering pain in my fingers.
Just when I was about to move toward kitchen for food, I heard Lewis’s voice. “Dinner is ready.”
I glanced at the dining table that had even richer foodstuffs present there. Sure enough. My husband was trying to ‘apologize’ by cooking delicious food everyday. I sighed and ate the food in silence. Even though I didn’t have any feelings for him right now, I still felt that the food he cooked was particularly great.
After eating, I changed clothes and lay on my side of the bed in the bedroom.
These days, I would instantly sleep and my husband would come back after I would enter my dreamland. So it was never awkward for me even though we both slept on the same bed. Lewis was more like a roommate to me rather than husband.
But today, for some reason, his words echoed in my ears, making me unable to sleep. Just then, I heard the sound of door unlocking before footsteps came toward me. I felt someone staring at my face for a long time before walking toward the other side of the bed before lying down obediently.
I held my breath and acted like nothing happened. I didn’t want things to be even more awkward between us. Just when I thought he would sleep, I suddenly felt a hand around my waist hugging me tightly as he kissed my forehead. In a choked up voice, Lewis whispered, “Elise, I’m sorry.” He kept repeating that word in a broken tone, but he didn’t dare to be loud. Then caressed my hair as if trying not to wake me up. “I know your heart doesn’t belong to me anymore, but I-I…” He paused and took a deep breath. “I can’t lose you.”
My heart jumped up my throat hearing those words. It twisted in pain making me feel depressed all over again.
Was this what he would always say to me in secret before sleeping every night?.