Recap:
I will miss you, the whole of you. Your eyes, your lips, your smirk, your hugs, your presence, you! I wanted to shout. But held back. I was already feeling very guilty. “I have to go.” I said, opening the passenger seat. “Goodbye, Bryan.”
He shook his head, looking utterly broken, a man in agonizing pain and yet there was decisive tone when he spoke. “See you soon, muf-Joanna.”
And if someone asked me what was it like to lose him? I would reply- It was like hearing every goodbye said to me, all at once.
I gazed out of the window silently as the trees passed by, my vision blurred by unshed tears. Every word, every syllable said just a few minutes back rang aloud in my ears incessantly. I realized I did like him. A lot. Maybe even love him, but then again – I was just an ordinary girl falling for a guy who had no intentions of catching me.
The whole car ride was silent, expect for my constant sobbing and hyperventilating. Janice didn’t say anything the whole time, she didn’t even know my mother knew that I wasn’t at her home. She just stayed silent, frequently sending worried and concerned glances at me and patting my knee during signals.
I was lost, lost in a labyrinth of emotions. And I decided, from now on I am going to shoot the butterflies in my stomach, ignore my smile when I see him, blame the dust when my eyes would water. He was right, there’s nothing between us.
“I take it we aren’t going to school.” Janice said in a low time, parking a few blocks away from our school. Her eyes searching my face for unanswered questions.
I shook my head, “Home. Mom knows.” I said between my tears and ignored her gasp of shock.
When we reached my home, my mother was already at the door, her hands on her hips. Her posture screamed trouble. I quickly wiped my face and stepped out.
“Did you think coming with Janice would make me think you were staying with her?” Mom asked sarcastically, glaring at us.
Janice shifted her foot uncomfortably. “Actually-”
“Don’t even start Janice. I trusted you, all of you. And this is what I am repaid with. Joanna, in your room, now. Keep your phone on the dining table and go. And Janice you and others are banned from talking to her for one week.” My mother stated and turned away, not waiting for our protests.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Janice asked, worriedly.
I shrugged; I knew I was going to be miserable. Grounded means no phones, no internet, no friends, no roaming out. Just me, family, books and my torturous thoughts. This was going to be hell alright.
Especially reading books because they have those perfect guys who are completely nonexistent in real life. Curse those good romantic books!
Janice hugged me tightly. “Sneak out or we’ll sneak in.” She promised, kissing my cheeks and going to her car, sending a flaying kiss as she drove away.
And there went my only hope of smile,
I stood there monotonously until my mother’s loud shout rang.
“Coming.” I muttered and walked in with my bag.
My mother was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee, her fingers drumming on the cup. She looked at me with utter disappointment and I felt the strong sense of guilt for the second time that day. The television was off and there was no sound. Dad at work, Connor at college, just me and mom.
Interrogation time!
“Sit.” She nodded at the chair in front of her. I sat down, my fingers playing with the hem of my purple top.
“Spill.” She demanded and I gulped. Where to start? What to tell? Should I tell about the drugs too? And Anastasia?
“I am your mother Joanna, a mother is always the best best friend. Yes, I will shout and be over protective but that’s because I know you nine months more than everyone.” Her tone was softer now, comforting me.
Tears skimmed in my eyes. I hated my emotional side. I hiccupped as my mouth finally opened. Words tumbling as my heart broke all over again.
I blurted out everything to mom, tutoring lessons, Sean, bucket list, Alicia, pranks, fest, Ace’s past, and drug dealing story, our kisses and even Anastasia. I don’t know how much time we were there, just sitting and sipping coffee but it was quite sunny when I finally ended.
I looked at my mother with a tear stained face. She had a thoughtful look on her face, like she was analyzing an important science project.
“Every guy with tattoo screams trouble.” She finally blurted, making me chuckle.
“Yeah.” I agreed. I felt a lot better after spilling out everything to my mother. She’s one person who can see the ugliest side of you and still love you endlessly. And then my mind drifted to Bryan’s mother. Or maybe not. I mentally thanked the lord for giving me such a great mother, I may rarely tell her that I love her but I do. Indefinitely.
“Should I secure locks in case people in black outfits invade our house to kidnap you?” My mother asked with a completely serious face.
I shook my head, “I am safe for now and tomorrow I can manage, day after that all are going to get caught anyways.”
“Do you really trust him?”
I paused, thinking about it. Did I? “Yeah, I do.” I answered sadly.
“Follow your heart but take your brain with you. You shouldn’t always over think.”
“I do it to avoid pain.” I reasoned. Following heart leads to heartbreak. I needed to analyze every aspect to make sure my heart was intact and wouldn’t break into a million pieces. I had seen Janice go through it, I was seeing Logan go through it. Hadn’t Kian followed his heart and drove too? See where it led him.
And yet here I was mending a broken heart, my brain shook her head muttering, ‘I told you so’.
Mom sighed as she got up. “You are going to need ice creams and Disney movies.” She observed.
I gave a small smile in affirmation.
No one knows a child better than the mother.
“I am still angry on you and those friends of yours. But you are depressed so they can come only for two hours and no boys.” My mother shouted from the kitchen.
“I’ll see you in the evening.” I said, stumbling into my room.
The whole squabble in the morning had made drained my energy. All I wanted to do was drown in my own misery, cuddle into sadness and sleep on the heartbreak.
It wasn’t even one day and I was already missing him, wanting him, needing him to fill the void in my chest. His effect on me was absurd.
I sighed heavily, lying to the bed, staring at my cream ceiling. Instinctively my mind went to the pale brown ceiling of our hotel room. That room wasn’t sumptuous yet I felt contented. Maybe it was the effect of his mere presence or maybe I was simply going crazy.
What was he doing now? Was he missing me? Was he with Anastasia? Had he finally realized he loved her? But the most important question, did I love him?
Of course I liked him. A lot. Why would I feel like this otherwise?
I closed my eyes, counting from 1-100 but in vain, my thoughts still ran around the dilemma at hand. I was wrecked and poignant and beyond hurt but I didn’t, I couldn’t love him. It was wrong.