I am hurt, angry, sad, gloomy, bleak, wounded but I will smile and get over it.
I repeated it in my mind again and again as I smiled at my school friends. I remembered the lyrics of one of my favorite songs- Let it go. ‘Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.’
“Spill.” I turned to a face a furious Logan.
“Logan.” I chided.
“You look like a fucking zombie and I will not just stand here and watch as you destroy yourself.” He stated, still fuming.
I sighed in surrender. “Fine but later, I am late for class now.” I ran into my class.
The first two classes went by without anything major expect my friends trying to spurt out information out of me. I hadn’t seen Ace, Max or Dylan, they were probably preparing for tomorrow’s mission. Whatever it was.
“Well well look who’s made her presence known.” Alicia snorted as I entered the class.
I rolled my eyes at her, like usual. “I don’t have time for this shit today.”
“Aww why? Did Ace finally realize you weren’t for him and left you?” She jeered.
“No, we are on a small break.”
“Oh please, Ace doesn’t do this break thingy. You probably hurt him too just the way you hurt others, the way you hurt Kian and me.” Her voice filled with so much malice that I physically cringed.
“Hating me will not bring Kian back. Get over this fact.” I hissed, smacking my bag on her desk angrily, my eyes flaring.
She stared at me with equal hatred. “It was all your mistake.” She whispered and ran out of the class.
I sighed, rubbing my forehead. My life had turned from normal to a soap opera with Ace’s entry. Just before the teacher entered I sneaked out of the class. My head was throbbing badly. I was still going through ‘away-from-Ace-trauma’ and here someone accused me of a murder.
Fuck My Life!
I went into the girl’s washroom, needing some privacy. But with my luck these days there was already someone there -crying.
Oh no!
“Hello?” I tapped on the occupied door. “Are you okay?”
The sniffing stopped and for a second I didn’t hear breathing. Was I going to be accused of another murder? I peeked from the bottom space – red pump shoes. Same one’s that Alicia wore.
Wow! Alicia Chandler inside a cluttered and stinky toilet, crying her eyes out. I had wanted this to happen for so many years but that it actually was, I wasn’t enthusiastic about it. In fact I felt sorry for her.
“Alicia?” I whispered hesitantly.
“Fuck off bitch.” Was her curt reply.
I didn’t feel angry. I was the last person she wanted to see right now. But we needed to get over this feud, Kian wasn’t going to happy knowing we fought because of him.
“Open the door Alicia.” I ordered.
After a few seconds, I heard her curse and then a completely disheveled Alicia opened the door. The last time I had seen her like this was in the hospital about 4 years ago when she slapped me.
I took out a tissue packet from my bag and offered it to her. “You look disgusting.”
She scoffed, “You look like this every day, probably worse.”
I rolled my eyes. “Shut up and wash your face.”
Instead of making another snarling comment, she actually headed my advice and washed her face.
“You look better without makeup.” I noted.
“You still look awful.”
“Kian wouldn’t want this.” I whispered, referring to our fracas.
She looked at me blankly. “And you care?”
“He was my own blood, my twin, we were much closer than you two ever were.”
She closed her eyes as if experiencing physical blow. “I miss him. I miss us.”
In that moment I realized, I and Connor weren’t the only ones who were extremely affected by Kian’s death. Alicia was affected too, very deeply affected. She had lost her first love.
It’s funny how we can lose anyone just as easily as we find them.
I patted her shoulder soothingly. “It wasn’t mine or Connor’s fault. It was bound to happen one way or another. We all lost someone close to us Alicia. This is life, we eventually lose everything we have gained.”
She opened her agony filled eyes. “It’s easy to blame others rather than facing the truth.”
“Yeah, but you can’t do that all the time. You have to learn to embrace the truth.”
She sighed, leaning on the counter. “I didn’t mean it, when I said it should have been you instead of him.”
“I know. You are hurting and so am I.” I said, leaning on the door in front of her.
We didn’t say anything for a few seconds until I asked the question that had been troubling me. “Why did you change?”
Just when I thought she wasn’t going to reply, she spoke. “After Kian left, I was hopeless. I loved him, I think I still do. But I wanted to get over him. I wanted to prove to myself that I am strong and can face death. The only way was acting like that. I started blaming you and Connor for his death so I wouldn’t feel too bad. I became the head cheerleader to keep me occupied. I flirted and hung out with all boys, hoping Kian would leave my mind and heart. I turned into a slut and started hurting others. I was hurt and wanted others to feel the pain too.”
She paused, her eyes glassy as she stared in the mirror. “I was searching for him in every guy.” She closed her eyes, a tear fell from the left eye and she turned away looking ashamed. “Kian would hate me for this.”
I gulped, never expecting to see Alicia Chandler like this. “He loved you Alicia, he probably still does. He wants you to move on but not in such a way. He wouldn’t wish for this, Alicia. Change yourself before change changes you.”
“I- I’ll try, it will be difficult but not impossible.” She said more to herself.
“Good.” I nodded at her.
“Do you think we would be together if he was still alive?” She suddenly asked. I froze.
“I can’t predict anything but if your love was strong then I am sure you two would still be happily together.”
She closed her eyes in pure agony. “He would make a good boyfriend, a great husband and a great father.”
“He would.” I swallowed my own tears. “But he isn’t here, you need to move on.”
She gave me a rueful smile. “I can try but I may not succeed.”
“Kian always said, ‘when you give your best only then will the results will be best’.”
“Death sucks huh?” She let out a sad scoff.
“It does but it’s inevitable.” I straightened up, planning to leave. The talk about Kian was too much for me to handle. But the next occurrence stopped me.
Alicia was hugging me, like hugging me. Her hands around my neck, it was awkward and not tight, but a hug nonetheless. I hugged her back after getting out of the initial shock.
“This doesn’t really change anything between us. I still dislike you.” She murmured, backing away.
I gave her a small smile, “I wouldn’t want anything to change. After all I still dislike you too.”
She nodded, sniffing a little. “I really do look bad, don’t I?”
“Awful.” I answered back with a light smile. She smiled back and turned to wash her face again. I stepped out of the washroom and leaned at the side wall.
That went – good. Much better than I had estimated.
I knew nothing would change between us with the exception of her accusing me. She would still give me a stink eye now and then, she would still pass cynical comments at me, she would still mock my now-over relation with Bryan. And I would always roll my eyes and respond with abhor. But we had an unspoken resolution now, we knew we didn’t really mean what we said.
After what seemed like ages, something good had ended and begun in my life. The end of rancor and beginning of an implicit pact.
We have to bury our past to make space for the future.
Only if Bryan Cooper was there in the future too.