Good riddance.
“Sometime at the start of junior year I met her again at a coffee shop. She looked thin and miserable, just like me. I wanted to talk to her, ask her about how she was. But I didn’t and nor did she. We just stared at each other and parted ways again.”
Does he still love her? My mind kept asking after every 5 seconds. My heart dreaded the answer.
“After a few days again we met at the same coffee shop, this time she came to me and apologized. I didn’t reply, I was still hurting. After that we would see each other at the coffee shop every day at the same time for a few weeks. She would come and apologize and I would ignore her. Finally one day I replied, she was shocked to say the least. We talked and she told the truth about realizing how much of a liar Sean was. She had left him long back and was now living at an apartment and working as a waitress in a nearby hotel. She said she wanted me back but I wasn’t so sure about it, she trusted and kissed Sean without knowing the truth, how could I trust her again?”
“So it’s like over now?” I hesitantly asked, my fingers slowly crossing behind my back.
“I think.” He mumbled in a slow voice.
I licked my lips, skeptical by his vague reply. “Are you two still in contact?” I reframed, fearing the answer.
He gazed at me cautiously. Silence settled for a few painfully long seconds until he finally blew a low breath. “She works here.”
My mind went blank. Fuck!
“Here?” I squeaked. I could feel my heart squeezing severely and the agony spread through my body. “Is that why you bought me here?” I spat furiously.
His eyes widened in horror, “No, no, not at all. Trust me.”
I gripped the pillow harder, wishing it was a brick so I could throw it at him. “Trust you? After all this? No thanks.” I paused, breathing heavily. Looking straight into his brown guilt filled eyes, I finally got the courage to ask. “Do you still love her?”
He didn’t reply and I gulped, tears twinkling on my lower eyelids. And right then, my heart shattered into tiny pieces.
Here I was sitting in front of a person who means everything to me and realizing that I mean nothing to him.
I choked on a tear mentally. “Answer me dammit!” I shouted harshly, finally completing my urge of throwing the pillow at him.
He winced slightly as the pillow his head. “I don’t know.”
“You kissed me when you were in love with another girl. Do you know how similar you and Anastasia are now?”
He screamed. “I said I don’t know.”
“That is equivalent to yes.” All I wanted to do was scream louder and cry. He used me, he fucking used me.
I had finally fallen but he wasn’t there to catch me.
I knew love was a drug, I had no idea it was the most dangerous and hurtful one.
And in that moment I realized – I had been dreaming about him in colors that didn’t exist.
Closing my eyes briefly, I swallowed my tears and sighed with defeat, “Make up your mind and then tell me. I want to go home.” I walked to the bathroom to get my stuff.
He gripped my hand, his voice breaking a bit. “Don’t do this. Please.”
“Don’t touch me.” I hissed, slapping his hand.
His grip didn’t loosen.
I closed my eyes, turning my bitch mode on. “Go to that bitch.”
“Don’t call her a bitch.” He barked heatedly. His grip tightened and then left my numb hand.
I stared at him blankly, he just shouted at me over her. I couldn’t stop the tears that left my eyes, I couldn’t stop my knees from collapsing under me but I did stop his hands from touching me.
“Don’t. Don’t ever touch me again.” I said weakly. My bitch mode had pathetically failed.
His hands withdrew and I didn’t look up at his face. I stood up and grabbed my things walking out. I slammed the things in my bag, my body suddenly felt numb, no emotions, none at all.
I wished I was strong! I wished I was happy! I wished he loved me back! But more than anything, I wished I could simply become a heartless bitch and feel no emotions. But no one gets what they desperately wish for.
And I was crying, wailing like a baby in front of the same guy who was the reason for those tears. Pathetic.
“You are still in danger.” He said cautiously.
I sniffed. “I can take care of myself, you don’t need to do that anymore.”
“Muffin.” He started and I turned to face him with hatred.
“Don’t you dare call me that. My name is Joanna. J-O-A-N-N-A. You lied to me about drugs, you put my life in danger, you kissed me when you loved someone else, and you acted like you cared when I am sure you didn’t.”
“I do care, I swear.” His voice broke.
I swallowed a ball of guilt and turned away, don’t cry Joanna. This was all a game to him, probably to stay with you in this hotel and make Anastasia jealous.
My phone rang, startling both of us. I picked it up, hoping it was Janice. But it wasn’t.
Mom, shit! Fuck!
I cleared my throat and pressed the accept button. “Hey mom.”
“Where are you?” It was her famous ‘don’t you dare lie to me’ tone.
“Uh at Janice’s place?” I said hesitantly.
“Don’t lie to me Joanna Cathy Williams.” Full name is equivalent to deep trouble. Just what I needed now.
“Mom? What are you talking about?”
“I went to drop Ayush today for his school picnic.” Our neighbor’s kid. “He goes to the same school with Lacy so when I met Lacy, naturally I asked about you and her health. And she said that you were never there and she is perfectly fine.”
Fan-fucking-tastic. I am in such a deep shit that I could swim in it for ages.
“Mom.” I breathed out.
“Don’t mom me, Joanna. From when did you start lying to me?” The hurt in my mother’s voice didn’t go unnoticed.
“Mom, you know I don’t like lying to you.” I spoke, suddenly feeling like a criminal.
“Then where are you? Are you doing drugs?”
“What!? No!”
“Please tell me you didn’t have sex. I don’t oppose sex but it’s not your right age.”
I shook my head, “No mom, I didn’t have sex.” I assured her.
“Are you with that tattoo guy?”
I bit my lip tentatively. She got her answer when I didn’t reply.
“I want you home right now. You are grounded and no school for you today. You are never meeting that tattoo druggie guy ever again.” Her tone was clipped and beyond mad.
“Mom, he’s not a -”
Why I was trying to make him look good was beyond me.
“Home. Now.” Her words were short and firm. A mother’s tone, never to be denied.
I looked at my phone, my mother had already cut the call. Awesome, the day just got better. Well, at least I know everything before going home but even then I wasn’t happy.
“Was that your mother?”
I jumped two feet in air, hearing Bryan’s voice and noticing his close proximity. Instantly I stepped back.
“Yes, I have to go anyway now.” I answered, looking around for anymore left belongings.
“I wish things didn’t end this way.” He whispered, his eyes gazing into mine, holding them in a trance.
“No one understands why things happen the way they do.” I whispered back, looking into those chocolaty orbs for probably the last time.
He moved forward, this time I didn’t go back. I stood numbly staring at him as he took another step forward. His face was completely distraught, anguished. His jaw clenched and his eyes remorseful. Even then he managed to look suave and attractive. Damn him!
“You are right, I should let you go.” He murmured, shaking his dolefully.
I gulped, not saying anything. He was making this more difficult for me and himself. Somewhere I regretted ever asking me anything about Anastasia. Curiosity killed me.
It was a story I never wanted-
Eyes met. Heart fluttered. Lips met. Heart raced.
“We need to talk.”
It stopped.
“I am no good for you.” He continued.
“No, that’s not true. You know that.” I protested, gasping as tears prickled in my eyes. I bit my lip, fighting the tears.
“I am no good Joanna.” He repeated, his face filled with self-disgust. “I smoked, I did drugs whenever I got chance, I kissed you and then ignored you, put your life in danger. What kind of a person am I?”
“You have left smoking and drugs. It wasn’t up to you to protect me. You did your best and even now you’re trying.” I reasoned, struggling to keep my tears at bay. The expressions on his face were making my scalp prickle.
Why am I still making him feel good about himself? Because you are completely in love with him, you stupid girl!
“I should have tried harder. I am sorry, I failed.” He sat on the edge of the bed, his face in his hands. His shoulders heaving. Fuck, he was crying.
I shook my head, no words coming to mind. What was I supposed to say? Why did he have to use the guilt card now?
The connection between my mind and mouth was broken. Looking at him, sitting and crying made my tears flow freely. In that moment I realized he was going through the same pain I was. We were both getting hurt and dying inside. But I didn’t know if his pain was as intense as mine.
“Bryan.” I whispered, my voice raw.
He looked at me and I felt my heart break into another thousand pieces. His face was covered in tears, completely devastated, like he had lost everything. Oh dear! What had I done?
“Don’t – don’t blame yourself, we need space. You need to think about um – Anastasia and I need to wrap my mind around all this.” I tried to explain, my world crumbling down as a stray tear rolled down his cheek. To watch a guy cry is one of the saddest things in the world.
“So this is not a goodbye?” He asked, voice filled with relief and hope.
“No, it is just a – an intermission in our story.” I lied, swallowing my tears.
This is the last time I am talking to you Bryan, I wanted to shout. If I had to get over him, being near him was definitely not an option.
My phone vibrated again. Mom, damn.
“I-Uh need to go.” I said in a small voice, picking up my bag.
“Can I drop you?” His tone dripped with anxiety.
“No, I’ll message Janice.” I couldn’t stay with him anymore, not without breaking down and kissing him senselessly, expressing my feelings and begging him to reciprocate them. I gripped the handles of my bag in one hand and my phone in the other.
“Go when Janice reaches here.” He pleaded, “I don’t want you alone anywhere.”
Maybe he did care. I texted Janice and told her to hurry up. I ignored him the whole time until Janice messaged that she was waiting down. Everything that we went through together flowed in my mind. Memories I will forever cherish.
“She’s down.” I meekly said, walking to the door.
He followed me, not speaking anything. I looked around uneasily, Anastasia could be anywhere and he was going to be here alone. They would probably do ‘it’ again.
“I’ll leave as soon as you go.” He assured, reading my train of thoughts.
I gave a simple short nod, not believing him. Why would he go? He had a beautiful girl right under his eye and probably soon under his legs.
When we reached Janice, she was eyeing us meticulously, waiting impatiently for information. Her expression changed to shock and then to confusion when she saw our solemn faces. She didn’t question us but gave me a quick hug, a ‘what did you do now?’ look to Bryan and went to the driver’s seat.
I turned to face Bryan. We were just four feet away. He took a step forward, and instinctively I took a step back. He stopped, the torment in his expression was palpable.
“I’ll miss completing your bucket list and your angry faces.” He murmured his voice full of longing.
I will miss you, the whole of you. Your eyes, your lips, your smirk, your hugs, your presence, you! I wanted to shout. But held back. I was already feeling very guilty. “I have to go.” I said, opening the passenger seat. “Goodbye, Bryan.”
He shook his head, looking utterly broken, a man in agonizing pain and yet there was decisive tone when he spoke. “See you soon, muf-Joanna.”
And if someone asked me what was it like to lose him? I would reply- It was like hearing every goodbye said to me, all at once.
The End.