Kate
Out of all day today was the day my demons are at peak and thanks to my hectic routine and sleepless night I was on the edge of burning out.
Today can be termed as the worst of all days. Not only was it mentally exhausting but physically too.
Taking care of a newborn and three year old is not a bloody joke especially when there is no one to help me out.
Alex likes routine and control of situations and I try my best to follow the tracks as it is good for me too but today was too much to handle.
My headache was killing me, my eyes were bloodshot red and all I needed to do was sleep.
But I can’t do that because of my weird mood swings had put me in a tough spot with Alex already.
It all started when Aria started teething and she was getting fussier day by day especially at night time. She wakes up in the middle of night and keeps me awake till the morning. The moment I took a sigh of relief and closed my eyes, my alarm started buzzing, indicating it was Emma school time and I needed to wake her up.
I have been going like this for days but on Friday my spirit broke., Like usually in the middle of the night Aria woke up with ear scratching cries. My red sleepy eyes were begging me not to open them but I can’t let my child cry like that and secondly I don’t need Alex to whine about it later that how Aria disturb his sleep.
I was feeling dizzy and out of state and my head was killing me. I stand up weakly but fall down again on the bed. I grab my head which was buzzing with noise and Aria’s cries.
I heard Alex’s sleepy but irritated voice ‘Kate? Why she is crying so much. I have an office in the morning and Emma has school. ‘
Great, he was awake and annoyed. So easy to say he has an office to go to. Who wake up first in the morning to make sure everyone can have breakfast on time and prepare other stuff so that they can leave the house on time. I’m that person . I really wanted to lash at him that can’t he see I’m dying here. OK I’m being dramatic here but the headache and lack of sleep wants to throw something heavy at him.
I stand again weakly. ‘I’m going OK. Please you go back to sleep’
When I entered Aria’s room she was wide awake and was crying non-stop. I picked her small body and wiped her tears falling from her eyes. ‘shh baby mama is here. Please go back to sleep. Mama needs sleep too. I have to wake up in a few hours too. Aria I’m dead tired, really come on it’s fine.’ I kissed her cheeks but she was getting more annoyed and her cries were getting louder.
I was anxious what would happen if Alex came here and got angry. I was getting emotional now as I remember how Emily used to tell me that during such nights when Emma was cranky and used to cry like this Alex was the one who woke up and tried to console her., Emily used to laugh that poor Alex can’t sleep for two days straight.
Now see Emily how your poor Alex is treating me. He only loved you and Emma.
But the moment the thought came I felt guilty. How can I say such things and how can I feel jealous of Emily. If she was here she would help me and but again If she was here then I and Aria would not be here in the first palace.
My emotions were all over the place and I started crying too with her. I’m sure my demons were celebrating my helpless state.
I sit down on the rocking chair and try to feed her. The trick worked out. At least she stopped crying but was still looking at me with her dad’s bright eyes which are more grey than blue. Even though my eyes were moist with lethargy and exhaustion I gave her a big smile and kissed her head and inhaled her intoxicating smell.
Babies can be handful no doubt but my baby is my life. She is so precious so infectious that no one can stay away from her. Except her daddy. Why cant he love her, Why can’t he accept her.
My tears fell down and Aria’s started to dozed off. I lean my head back and rock Arias’ small body. But doing that I don’t know when my eyes got closed when I slept on the rocking chair.
It was after a moment I felt someone hands on my face ‘Mamaaaaaa’
I cringed my eyes and tried to open it again. It was Emma and she was rubbing her eyes.
I frowned ‘Emma. sweetie what are you doing right now? Can’t sleep? Do you have any nightmares’ I touched her head lovingly
But it was Alex cold voice and killer glare shocked me ‘No she missed her school because you forgot to wake her up’
I winced, what the hell, I stood up hurriedly but forgot I was holding Aria who got disturbed with my sudden intrusion and started crying.
I looked outside and it was shining bright and sunny. Oh god I slept the whole night on a dman chair.
I was flabbergasted ‘Shit… Alex what time is now. I’m so sorry I fell asleep on this chair. Aria was crying and she is still crying…. she is teething she is so cranky. But never mind I will just go and get Emma ready. OK don’t worry she won’t miss the school’ I hold Emma’s hand who was bouncing up and down oblivious to the situation.
Alex pinched his nose and lashed out ‘Kate it’s freaking 11am in the morning. Emma school starts around 9am. Have you forgotten that too? Fuck even I’m late for the office too because of her constant crying (he pointed at Aria). I hate it when my routine is messed or when Emma missed her school. ‘
I put Aria on her cot and she was still crying but I was dead tired ‘Alex I told you she was teething that’s what she is cranky and can’t sleep at night. And I was so tired for weeks Alex. I don’t know when I fell asleep here. And secondly Emma is never late nor has she took a day off, one days leave won’t make a difference’ I rubbed my head and i was not even sure what i was saying.
I wanted to cry so badly cause I’m feeling still so exhausted and all I want is a bed to lie down on but its looks like an impossible task cause Aria was still crying,
Emma was jumping on the sofa and Alex’s murderous gaze telling me he will not forgive my minor mistake.
He finally burst ‘what do you mean it wont make a difference?’
He closed his eyes in irritation ‘and god sake will you give her something she have been crying whole night and now her cries are echoing in whole house’
I try to find Aria’s teething biscuit and give one to her.
I wined and rubbed my temple. Oh god my headache is killing me. I weakly whispered ‘Alex please lower your tone I have a terrible headache and I will call the school and will make an excuse about Emma’s absence’
But Emma’s next words shocked the hell out of me ‘Daddy its OK mama is right. And I don’t want to go today I don’t like maths test’
Alex gives us a confused look at what she is talking about but then it clicks me and freezes my body on the floor.
Fuck today was Emma’s Maths test. I put my hand on my mouth. Oh god I have hell to pay. Alex wont leave this thing easily.
He is so particular about Emma’s routine especially about her school and now knowing because of me she missed her test he will probably kill me.
He looks up to me ‘what she is saying’
I hold my breath ‘ She meant about her Maths test that she missed today’ I look down. Deep down I’m guilty too because of me Emma schooling is sacrificed. My self doubt is back with a boom and; I’m sure like me Alex would be thinking what kind of mother I’m proving to be.
I was ashamed and scared how he would react. But when I looked up. His body language looks so cold and unapproachable. He made fist like he is controlling himself and tightening his jaw like he restrains himself to say anything and without saying anything he left the room in anger.
I ran after him and called him ‘Alex please stop’ but he walked to our room.
Martha came with worry in her eyes ‘im sorry Kate. I should have woke Emma, but you usually do that I though Emma. is on leave today because whenever you I come here you are getting Emma ready’
I reassured her. It’s really not her fault. ‘It’s fine, it’s really not your fault. Can you just look after the girls? I need to see Alex OK’
I run after him and saw him in his still angry mood which was getting worse,
He is opening the drawers and cupboard to find his stuff.
Normally in the morning I make sure all his stuff is already placed but this In the morning I messed up everything.
‘Alex please listen to me’ I grabbed his arm but he pushed my hand away
‘Kate please not now. I really don’t want to say anything that will hurt you later. I’m on the edge’ he picked his tie and started tying around his neck.
If he is the edge then I’m too but I don’t want to make the situation more worse so I took the tie from his hand and frowned at me
I put the tie on his neck and softly told him ‘Alex I’m sorry. I know you are upset that Emma missed her school and test too but Alex I’m was dead tired. I haven’t slept for days. It was too much for me. Aria is getting fussier day by day and she wakes up in the middle of the night and keeps me awake. And i just cant ignore her needs she needs me’
He took a step back and coldly replied ‘All im hearing Aria this or Aria that. Where’s Emma in the equation? She needs you too. Don’t forget Kate you are in this house because of Emma. I hope you don’t forget what were the terms of our marriage. Emma should be your first priority no matter what happens you will always put Emma first no one else. Otherwise I don’t think this will…’
But he stopped in the middle of the sentence when he saw how I lost all the colour from my face. My eyes were stunned at his word. I know what he was about to say. Our marriage won’t work out if I don’t follow his order
I took a step back and my voice broke ‘what you were about to say… that.. that our marriage won’t work out?’
He looks remorseful but suddenly he composed himself ‘Don’t put words in my mouth. You know the deal’
I was shattered and my tears started falling and I froze ‘Deal? is this marriage still a deal? I’m still a deal to you?
My demons are laughing at me and yelling in my ears What were you thinking Kate? A few months of passionate nights and Alex fondness towards you will make him fall in love with you. Have you forgotten how he disowned your daughter and still adamant about it that he won’t change his mind?
Alex ran his hand on his hair and closed his eyes ‘look Kate. I told you don’t push me I will say something that will hurt you and it looks like you are hurt. How about we both take some time today and cool out OK. We can talk tonight’
He then left leaving me heartbroken, shallow and numb at the same time.
…………………………………………………………………….
I want to die.
I tied my head with a cloth and popped two painkillers. But damn it is not going anywhere. Martha was right I should order something for dinner because I was not in the position to cook. But after Alex outburst and his hurtful words in the room that are still echoing in my ears wanted me to prove myself that I can manage it. And both of my kids are equally important to him, unlike him I love my girls too much.
But today I really need a break. Aria is throwing her toys and screaming loudly and believe me I have fed her four times already and tried to put her for nap at least a dozen times but like her father she got stubbornly born.
I told Emma to entertain her or play with her. Normally Aria likes playing with Emma. Both sisters keep each other busy but Emma being super energetic and happy as she missed her school is now singing some ‘Let it go’ song and jumping on the sofa, she has already broken two crystals.
‘Emma get down right now. You will hurt yourself, and where is the remote? my ears are bleeding’ I used my Mommy tone, but nothing works
I messaged Martha to come inside the house as she was cleaning the outer area of the house.
I looked at the clock Alex will be home in an hour and so the headache is killing me, and my breathing is getting harsher. I know it is an indication of my anxiety attack. Suddenly, my hands started shaking so bad my throat was choked. I touched my throat and started breathing loudly. Damn it I am getting an attack. Emma stopped and looked at me in concern and confusion.
Fuck I cannot have my attack in front of her and Aria. My tears started falling because I was so helpless right now.
I picked Emma and put her inside Aria’s playpen ‘Emma listened to mama OK you… you… stay with Aria. o… OK you are a big girl and keep an eye on her sister. Mar… Martha will be here in second and she will stay with you’ I was shivering at this moment
Emma eyes got big ‘mama because you sound funny’
I pass her a shaky smile ‘nothing just stay here. I wi… will. b. be back’
After that I ran to my bedroom and looked for my medicine but like my luck the medicine bottle was empty. Shit I forget to buy them.
I fall on the floor but somehow manage to go inside the washroom and open the water in the sink. I threw water on my face and did some breathing exercise, but it was not working out. I am having this attack after so many months. Last Time I had when I was pregnant with Aria.
I rubbed my arms as I was still shaking. My tears were falling non-stop.
I fell on the cold washroom tiles and put my head down on my knees. This kind of attack always made me remember all the bad and sad stuff that happened to me.
I can see flashbacks of my miserable childhood, Emily’s death, Alex’s hateful words. Him rejecting Aria. I lie down on the floor still holding my knee closer to my chest and now I can see my Emma sweet but worried face. She was worried about me. She must be so scared.
This makes me shiver more.