Alex
I reacted too much to this. Kate must be hurt by me. But she knows I like routine and especially in Emma’s life. I want nothing that disturbs her routine.
Missing school was another thing but missing the test on top of it put the final nail to my patience. And secondly Kate was too much invested in Aria’s routine for the past weeks. And she was even ignoring me too. I told her any case Emma should be her top priority
But that thought brought immense shame to me and my inner conscience told me. This is her child we are talking about. She is a mother who is managing everything on her own.
And that little child which I try to ignore in the home or anywhere her name is raised but it’s impossible she is so real and so innocent. Who has no idea why I ignore her why I don’t love her like a father should.
My heart constricts whenever I think about Aria. I don’t know what I feel for her because my ego and my promise to my dead wife don’t want me to acknowledge anything further.
And Kate who is suffering this alone. She looks indeed very tired for the past few days. Instead of helping her or even understanding her I overreacted.
I look above the clock. I still have some time, but I think I should have all day. I don’t know what damage control I can do now but I should go home.
When I reached home, I was almost hit by Martha who was startle by me ‘Oh I’m sorry Mr Robbins I didn’t see you’
I nodded ‘it’s fine but what are you doing at this time don’t you leave by this time?’
She wiped her head ‘yeah but I need to clean the house outer area. Secondly Kate looks tired, and both the girls were giving her a tough time. I thought I could help her out. Actually, she messaged me to come upstairs and look at the girls’
I felt guilty that I should be more supportive to Kate. She is very tired, and I know how the girls can bring the whole house down with their energetic personality.
But I felt weird too. Kate looked after the girls then why she called Martha.
When I entered the house, it was a chaotic mess. TV volume was too loud, toys were all over the place. Emma was screaming and Aria like this morning was crying.
And I smelled something was burning in the kitchen. I ran to the kitchen and saw the dish which should be lasagna was burning in the oven. I opened the oven door and throw the dish and open the exhaust fan
I cringed at the whole scene but what made me uneasy and angry was how Kate can leave kids unattended. What if whole house burn
‘Kate’ I yelled
Emma hugged my legs ‘daddy You home’
I picked her kissed her head ‘hey sweetheart where’s your mama’
She shrugged ‘donno she told me to sit with Aria. And she sounds funny’
I raised my eyebrow in confusion. Sounds funny?
Martha who was busy calming Aria.
‘Can you take girls inside their room’ I instructed Martha
She nodded and I went to find Kate in her room.
She was not in the room. I called her again but then I heard the shower running in the washroom
What the Hell?
She was taking shower leaving kids alone. Tired or not she knows she can’t do that
I Knock on her door ‘Kate.’ I twist the washroom knob and open it
‘How can you leave the girls…
but I stop my sentence in the mid-way when I found Kate lying on the floor shaking badly and breathing harshly like she can’t breathe
I run towards her in fear and kneel down and hold her body ‘Kate… hey what’s happening’
Fuck she is having her panic attack
‘Where is your medicine’ I remove the hair from her face and wiped her tears
She mumbled ‘Th… they … ar… are fi… finished’
Shit
I hold her trembling body and put her on the bed. What should I do? Then I remember
I removed my office clothes, climbed on the bed, and held her body and whispered the calm words’ It’s fine. I’m with you OK… Just take a deep breath babe. You are fine. You are so beautiful you know that and so strong you can fight this.’
She grabbed my hand tightly like she will lose me ‘don… don’t. lee… leave me’
I kissed her head and my gut twisted with her please ‘I won … OK I won’t’
After a few minutes I found her breathing to get normal and her body stopped shaking.
I gently rubbed her arms and found her very dizzy.
Her eyes were closed, and she looked so damn tired. I finally realized what a troll it must be. All day work pressure and sleepless night and on top of it my non-supportive behaviour finally pushed her to the edge.
I try to remove her head from my chest so that she can sleep peacefully but she grumbled ‘noooo don’t’
She was still sleepy. ‘OK you just sleep OK. I’m not going anywhere’
I don’t know how long I stay like that. Then I saw Emma enter the room ‘Daddy. What’s wrong with mama’
‘Hey sweetie. Your mama is very tired. Let her sleep. I will be back in a minute OK’
Emma’s eyes looked concerned ‘is she fine?
I smiled at her ‘yeah, she is. Let your mama take some rest
Knowing Emma won’t go until I put her in ease.
I gently removed Kate from my head and put her on the pillow.
I grabbed Emma hand ‘come on let’s have some dinner and we will talk outside’
She nodded but she looked back once again making sure her mama was OK.
After ordering dinner from outside and throwing the burn dinner in the trash I settled Emma on her chair and watched her finish her meal.
After putting Emma in bed, I walked to that room that I promised I won’t go ever but I need it now.
I stand outside Aria’s nursery where Miss Martha was already feeding her some baby food. Aria is not crying but I know she is missing her mother.
Martha saw me standing ‘Mr Robbin. I was coming outside after feeding her’
I shake my head ‘No it’s fine I bought you dinner. Once again thank you so much for staying the night. I know you got other work to do but I will pay you extra for this’
She smiled ‘No need for that. Kate is dear to me. I met diverse people but nothing like Kate. She helped me in my challenging time and even paid my daughter’s medical bills. What I’m doing its nothing’
I was surprised by that news. Kate never told me about this. She is not only generous but humble too. Always ready to help others but no one to help her. And that thought put me in more guilt.
I told Martha ‘Can you sleep in this room… with her… Kate is resting, and I don’t want her to get up If she needs something. I know you are tired but …
She cut me off and rocked Aria who was looking at me with her doe eyes ‘of course Mr Robbins. Don’t worry we will be OK here. But if you don’t mind, can you watch her for a minute, I need to use restroom’
I froze. What. But how can I say no to Martha on using a restroom. But I never spent alone time with Aria before.
Martha gives me a strange look like why I’m not saying anything.
I slowly nodded and gulped ‘of course… sure… you said minute I can do that’ I was saying this more to myself to her.
She put Aria in her cot and went out. I stand like a fool. But whenever my gaze fell on the cot, I saw Aria was also looking at me curiously.
I wanted to look away but for some reason I felt a pull and was damn protective whenever she looked at me.
I ignored it, opened my phone, called my mother, and told her about Kate and told her I needed her help.
But after I end my call, I hear Aria’s excited voice and she throws her toys at me. I turned back and saw she was shaking her hands in the air like she wanted to be picked. But what shocked me the most was when she started getting up. And hold the cot side. She can stand on her own? I never notice this before
I picked her toys and walked slowly towards her. She passes me a smile and giggles when I give her a toy.
Oh god. She is so fragile and so innocent.
My heart started beating fast and out of nowhere my inner self was begging me to pick her up. Only for once. Just love her like you love Emma.
She stands while grabbing the cot side and starts baby talk with me. I crack a smile and touch her chubby cheeks. My eyes got moist. I’m a monster.
Then I saw Emily and my dead unborn son in my vision and then I took a step back. Emma is my daughter only.
Martha came back later, and I left that room. Promised myself I will never enter this room again.
It’s almost midnight and even Kate is resting. I really need her to eat something. I took warm milk along with a sandwich and entered the room, but I found Emma was sleeping with Kate. Kate spooned her tightly. I shake my head. Emma can be really resilient sometime.
I try to pick Emma from Kate, but her eyes open up.
She looks up tiredly ‘Alex?’
I touched her face ‘hey… you feeling, OK? And what she is doing here
She whispered’. She was worried. I think she got scared when I left her like that’
‘Kate It was not your fault. Don’t be hard on yourself. Come on, I bought something for you to eat and lemme put her to bed.’ I picked Emma and put her to bed.
When I came back, I saw Kate was taking a bite of the sandwich.
I sit down and observe her carefully. She looks weak but so beautiful. I touched her face delicately and softly asked ‘how are you doing right now? Do you need something else? ‘
She passes me a shy smile ‘no I’m fine thanks to you. I’m sorry for putting you in worry. You must be tired from the office and then you have to deal with me.’
I admonished her, climbed on the bed, and held her fragile body ‘shh. Not a word OK. I should worry about you. You are my wife. And dealing with you and caring for you is my job, Kate. I know I never said this a lot, but you mean to me a lot. You got a special place in my life and my heart.
Her eyes shine like she can’t believe what I’m saying’ I’m special to you?
I kissed her slowly and whispered ‘Of course you are Kate I’m not a good husband and there is no need to deny that but yes you mean a lot. And what about you? hmm you manage the girls, look after the girls and deal with my mood swings. I’m the one who puts you in a mess and gives you worries. I should be more supportive. I should have realized you are human and got too much on your plate. The house, girls and If I’m not wrong you wanted to exceed every expectation, I have for you. And all of this put a trauma on you. That’s why you have this attack isn’t it?
Kate eyes says it all but being a kind soul, she touches my face’ Alex, I won’t deny it sometimes it’s a lot to take on but I’m not the only one. Many mothers go through the same. I was tired for weeks and my lack of sleep led one thing to another. Don’t blame yourself. I got generalized anxiety disorder. I got worried about trivial things. Sometimes I get worried over your favourite. dish which does not turn out how I want even though I made it so many times or sometimes I zone out and keep thinking about girls’ things that I might have missed or forget to buy.’ She laughed to make things normal
But I was remorseful. She was going through this, and I didn’t notice.
‘I’m sorry Kate. I never knew what you were thinking. I will try to be more helpful. And please don’t stress over anything. I know some time without even trying I imposed my expectation over you, but I won’t do it from now. This is your house; you can do whatever you want.’
She gave me her big smile and kissed my cheeks ‘okey Dokey. Now can we sleep? You look tired too’
She rubbed my foreheads and I sigh ‘Your hands have magic. But yes, you need rest.’
She laid her head on my shoulder and put my hands on her waist tightly. I smiled. She always does this.