Sam and I were doomed from the start, I know that now.
In the end, it didn’t matter who or what came between us.
It just so happened to be him, but it could’ve been anyone, or anything.
Because that’s the thing about Sam and I – we were never meant to be strong enough to survive this together.
I couldn’t really focus on anything else after that, not even the fact that I had to get to Sam. I didn’t question Lilian on how she knew about Theo’s whereabouts, but I’m guessing word spreads fast when you’re the captain of the football team.
You have no privacy, and that’s what scared me the most.
Because if Theo was back in England, and everyone seemed to know it, who’s to say no one was catching on to our secrets already too?
I didn’t give Lil a normal response after that. I simply nodded, got up and hugged her one more time, whispering a quick “I’ll miss you” in her ear, before letting her get on with packing, and making my way to the apartment.
I didn’t have time to think about Theo right now.
I had to make this right with Sam.
But when I reached the apartment, the door wasn’t locked, and I pushed it open to find the place trashed.
My mouth hung open in shock, I couldn’t do anything but remain frozen in the doorway for a seconds, looking over our once neat and tidy home.
“Sam?” I shout in an attempt to make my voice heard, but it comes out more like a whisper. Then, when I don’t get an answer, I move to the living room, and gasp when I see an empty bottle smashed to bits on the floor by the couch.
Had he been drinking?
He’s never drunk before, and neither have I.
“Look who’s back,” I hear slurring from the bedroom, and a distressed Sam appears from around the room.
His hair was messy and untamed, nothing like I’d ever seen it before.
He was wearing only shorts, and he smelt like absolute shit.
The dark circles underneath his eyes proved to me his lack of sleep over the weekend, and my heart almost broke at the sight before me.
This was a very different man to the one I knew as Sam.
“Sam, oh my god. What the hell happened? Are you drunk?”
“You happened, Dove.” He simply shrugs, and goes to kick a pillow thrown onto the floor from our bed.
“I-”
“Where the hell were you? I left you voicemail after voicemail, I was worried sick! And then I have my own mother refusing to tell me what she knows -”
“Maybe because you called her drunk out of your fucking mind?”
“That’s rich. And who’s fault is it, Dove? That I’m like this? Who’s fucking fault is it!” He screams, and goes to grab hold of my wrist, squeezing it forcefully.
“M-mine,” I whimper, looking down at our hands between us. And when he doesn’t let go, I proceed,
“Sam, you’re hurting me,” I wince when he finally catches on to what he had done, and releases my wrist.
But he doesn’t apologise, and instead inches closer to me, the alcohol on his breath almost causing me to gag.
On Theo, I hadn’t minded the smell so much – perhaps because I had expected him to be a drinker, or perhaps because I was so blinded by my addiction to him that I made excuses for his poor behaviour. But on Sam, it disgusted me, and this was evident on my face.
“If you leave this apartment one more time, I’m selling it. And you will have no place to go,” he spits, his lips inches away from mine.
I couldn’t believe that the man before me was the sweet guy I had shared a relationship with all those years. In that moment, he was unrecognisable – he scared the living shit out of me, made me feel worthless, which is something Sam had never managed to do before.
It was as if he had become a whole new person over the weekend, and perhaps I had too.
But my transformation was nowhere as extreme as his.
“Who are you right now! You drink, you trash our place, you hurt me, and then you threaten to sell our home? Do you think you’re the only one who’s suffered over the weekend? I’ve had to go back to my parents’ you pig, only to find out that my dad has left my mum to go god knows where, and for my mum to lie about his whereabouts! Not to mention, your mother then showed up, and I found out that you took the liberty of sharing all of our problems already!”
I’m full on yelling at this point, aware that the rest of the block could probably hear us.
But I didn’t care anymore.
He had destroyed the last chance of hope I had for us, for our relationship.
He had used the biggest insecurity against me, to control me, knowing full well that this apartment was my safety net, that I had no other place to go.
Hell, he probably knew about Lilian’s move too, and that’s why he had decided on giving me the ultimatum he did.
He takes a step back, anger still radiating off him, but a hint of sadness and regret was evident in his eyes.
In eyes that, once upon a time, used to warm me with their kindness.
But those eyes I looked back at now were cold, uninviting.
Unfamiliar.
“Dove, I -”
“Don’t. I’ve had enough, Sam. Enjoy your fucking apartment, because you can’t trap me here. I’m not your damn pet.” I seethe, and with a loud slam of the front door, which was sure to knock Sam’s paintings that were hung on the wall there down, I left him, left him to question himself entirely after what had just happened.
And I didn’t look back once.
Because in that moment, I was sure I couldn’t love a person who wanted to own me like he did.