When you’re left with no other people to turn to, no other places to go and seek out sanctuary from yourself, you do the last thing you’d ever want to find yourself doing.
Because it’s better than being alone with your thoughts, out in the middle of nowhere.
I needed an escape, a relief. Never in my eighteen years of life did I feel like drinking, or completely detaching myself from my morals, which I worked so hard on building.
But not that night – that night, I wasn’t the Dove Addison that everyone knew, that I knew. I had to find comfort in ways that I never even dreamed of finding comfort in, because the truth was, the idea alone of partying made me feel sick to my stomach.
But this was a celebration, not a time of sadness.
Cheers to Lilian for moving out and working on her patterns of life.
Cheers to Theo for getting out of this miserable city and going back home.
And cheers to me, for making it this far without breaking.
But I was broken, and the only fix I could find was in the confinements of that dammed frat house.
And that’s exactly where I went.
I knew there would be a party; after all, it was the day after Christmas, and drunk college kids who refused to go back home for the holidays had nothing better to do than to celebrate.
I had a feeling they actually partied here every day, and not just on weekends, as Lilian had made it out to be.
These kids were just as broken as I was, if not more. And damaged teenagers with no real goals in their lives inevitably turned to drinking and partying their time away.
I wasn’t one, not at all.
But that night, it didn’t matter. I needed this, and I deserved to have fun.
To live their lives, and to share their experiences.
And so when I got there, I immediately spotted Mia and Yasmine laughing away on the front porch, red cups in their hand, and made my way over.
“Oh my gosh! What are you doing here?” Mia asks, and I find myself gulping as I look Yasmine over, her smirk evident on her lips.
But she was also very drunk, so I wasn’t worried too much.
“What does it look like?” I take the cup from Mia’s hand and take a large swig. The drink, whatever it was, burned my throat as I forced myself to swallow it.
I hated it, but then again, this is what I was here for.
To have fun.
To lose myself in the crowd.
“Easy, freshman. Drinking is a sport, as much as cheerleading is,” Yasmine grins, but then throws her head back in drunken laughter, and stumbles onto the grass where a game of mini football was taking place.
I shrug her comment off, and go inside the house before I could have either of them question me about Theo, which would’ve happened if I stayed out there with them any longer.
I make my way to the kitchen, and see that an unused red cup stood by the sink, and alcoholic beverages of different fun colours lined the back of the counter.
So I took it upon myself to pick out the one with the least scariest looking label, and filled the cup until it almost spilled over.
“You do know that vodka shots are meant to be poured a quarter of the way up the cup, right?” Some random guy asks me, but then when he realises my lack of experience with this sort of thing as my eyes go wide at the mention of the drink, he simply shakes his head and laughs, then pats me on the back, “never mind. We’re here for a good time, not a long one!”
“Exactly,” I giggle, and gulp down the vodka in mere seconds.
My tolerance wasn’t high at all as I soon came to find out, but it didn’t matter.
I was beyond surprised at my ability to accommodate to the taste of the drink, and swallow it down with such ease after a few nose wrinkles and gags.
Perhaps this was my body’s way of letting it all in at once, so that the hurt I was feeling in the moment would be diminished as quickly as possible.
I couldn’t believe myself right then. The old Dove would’ve never even gone close to an alcoholic beverage, or show up at a frat party willingly.
If Lilian could see me then, she’d probably be very proud.
But if Sam or my parents could see me then, I would want the ground to swallow me whole.
No.
I couldn’t think about Sam, or my mum or dad, or anyone for that matter in that moment.
It was just me and these drunken kids in a frat house, partying the night away, dancing and letting go of all their problems during the day.
Dancing – I felt like dancing.
As if on cue, the music grew louder, and an inviting upbeat song boomed through the speakers.
Everyone there was actually dressed really nice – the girls wore cute skirts, or dresses, and I’m pretty sure all of them had high heels on.
Me, I was just in a sweatshirt and jeans, and I wore flats. My face was makeup free, which come to think of it was probably for the best, because it seems as if I had cried that whole day.
People probably just thought I was high – my red puffy eyes could mean a number of things, and given how happy I looked in that moment, no one would think any different.
My hair was a mess too, tossed up into a bun.
But no one was paying attention, everyone was swaying their bodies to the music, some grinding on strangers, some slow dancing like idiots.
I moved to the make shift dance floor that was the carpet in the large living room, and began to move my hips slowly, trying to match the melody and rhythm of the song.
Until suddenly, I felt myself tripping over a foot, and go to turn around and apologise.
“Woah, you’re really cute!” I giggle, but my vision was blurry, and all I could make out was a tall frame and a mop of curls on top of a head.
“Dove?”
I recognised that accent anywhere.
Theo.