I didn’t love him anymore – I knew this ever since the beginning, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it’s truth.
The night I knew, I let go of all that hurt and pain, and gave myself in to him completely.
It was us and us alone – that night, Sam wasn’t mine, my parents didn’t fight.
All was right in the world.
But then the sun came up, and the fantasy had slipped through my fingers.
I was on the first bus back to campus in the early hours of the day after Christmas.
I had waited that afternoon for an announcement, the warmth of the indoor area to Redmond’s main bus station calming my trembles ever so slightly.
And on the way back, all I could do was sleep.
I had been so exhausted, so deprived of any real peace over the weekend.
And I could’ve slept through to the end, if it wasn’t for the person sitting behind me tugging on my sweatshirt, signalling my arrival at the campus.
The very empty, very miserable looking campus.
It was like looking in the mirror.
There was not a single body in sight – and this didn’t faze me, because even nerds like me went back home to their families for Christmas.
The college doors were locked shut, and I was the only one walking around, trying to think up the million ways I could go about my upcoming conversation with Sam.
But before that, there was one thing I needed to do first, which was sure to calm my nerves and put them to rest.
I was glad to see the familiar faces of a few still roaming the halls of the dorm room building.
In the end, not everyone had a place to go back to for the holidays, and so they isolated themselves in their dorms for the week.
But once I reached Lilian’s door, I saw that the door was ajar, and two brown boxes sat on top of her bed, sealed with tape.
“Dove? What are you doing here?” She comes in through the door, carrying a pile of fresh laundry.
“Hi, Lilian,” I mumble, and before I knew it, I was breaking down into another fit of sobs, which I had managed to keep at bay the whole journey back.
She simply dropped the pile of clothes on her bed and swiftly wrapped her arms around me, hugging me so tight, as if she was attempting to put the broken pieces back together.
But I was too far gone to be fixed.
And yet she stood there hugging me regardless, smoothing over my hair, and rubbing soothing circles on my back, until I didn’t have anything left in me to get out. Once I was done, she pulled away, and simply said,
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Lil.”
I wipe at my tears, before I continue, not wanting her to ask me what had happened. At this point, the memories were blurring in my mind.
“What’s with the boxes?”
“Oh, uh…. I’ve been meaning to tell you. My parents are having me transferred back to a college in Montana. I’m meant to get there before classes start again in January,” she says in a low voice, almost sounding regretful that she was leaving me behind, leaving this campus behind.
“Oh, wow. That’s a…. big move,” was all I could say, my energy drained.
“Yeah, my GPA is not looking so great, so…”
She doesn’t finish her sentence, perhaps out of shame, or out of guilt, but in that moment she looked so disappointed in herself, in the life she chose for herself here, and I truly believed that this move would do her some good, and would hopefully take her away from a life of drinking and drugs, and endless college games and parties.
“Lil, I… I came here, on Friday after the game and you -”
“Oh,” her eyebrows furrowed in concern, “I was -”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s okay, I went back to my parents’ for the weekend.”
“How did that go?” But when I don’t answer, and simply look down at my feet, she nods in understanding and places her hand on my shoulder.
“When do you leave?”
“Flight’s tonight,” she sighs, and looks down at her lap as we both move to sit on the bed.
“Has Sam tried to uh, get in touch with you? See where I was?”
She shakes her head no.
“Dove, what’s going on between you two?”
I look up at her with watery eyes, but I couldn’t cry again. Lilian had been the only person here aside from Sam, who I felt that I could honestly trust. And now she was leaving, and I would most likely never see her again.
And so I told her the absolute truth.
From beginning to end.
I told her about how Sam and I started experiencing problems since the day we moved in together.
I told her about my decision to sign up for cheerleading because I thought it would help get Sam to notice me, and my needs for him.
And I told her about Theo – the boy with the green eyes, who had me wrapped around his finger since that day I met him on the field.
I told her all of it – the cheating and the lies, the secrets; the way in which he had twisted my life into a mixture of both pleasure and pain. The sneak offs, the late nights.
By the end of my story, I had broken down all over again.
But there were no tears, no obvious signs of distress on my face.
I simply became a shaking, panicked mess.
And she didn’t speak a word for what felt like hours.
We sat there in complete and utter silence, comfortable silence though, her holding onto me, and me trying to hold on to the last few good things in my life.
At last, she turned me so that I was facing her, and simply said,
“He’s in England for the holidays.”