When you love someone, when you truly love them, you can’t bear the thought of losing them.
But I think that the more time that had passed, the more okay I became with the idea of getting caught.
That must’ve been the case, because there is no other explanation as to why I didn’t stop.
24th of December.
Christmas Eve.
And my dad still hadn’t returned that day, as my mum had said.
I grew more and more miserable – she barely spoke any words to me, and when she did, I would turn her down.
Afraid that she’d ask what happened, and even more afraid that I would actually give in and tell her. She couldn’t know about Sam – she most certainly couldn’t know about how I was messing around with another behind his back.
It would break her, and it would break me to admit to it out loud.
And so, for the first Christmas Eve in as long as I could remember, I was completely and utterly alone, isolated in my childhood room.
Even before, when my parents couldn’t put their conflicts to rest, even during the holidays, I would be over at Sam’s house celebrating, because his family wouldn’t allow me to miss a Christmas, and let it go to waste.
But not this year. I couldn’t go over there and look his mother in the eyes, knowing what I was doing to her son.
And so it was too bad, when they decided to drop by the next day.
But it’s not like I didn’t see it coming.
“Oh, Dove! You look awful! Sam told me you guys got into a fight or something? What happened?” His mother asks, hugging me tightly to her chest.
Great.
As much as I wanted to be mad at Sam over this in that moment, I couldn’t be.
Unlike me, he actually has a good relationship with his parents.
He calls his mother once a day.
He has a family who cares for him and his well being.
“Yeah, we did, but we’re okay still…. I think. I just needed some time to process it, and so I came here.”
“Dove, you never told me this had something to do with Sam,” my mum cuts in, looking rather pale.
“Well, who else would it have to do with?” I snap, but then realising my unnecessarily harsh tone, I take it back slightly, “I’m sorry,” I sigh.
The truth was, this didn’t have anything to do with Sam at all.
It was all Theo.
Because if it wasn’t for him, if it wasn’t for us sneaking off, Sam would’ve never questioned me, and we would’ve never fought.
Fuck, he was the root of all of my problems these days.
But I couldn’t hate him for it either. Because I wanted it as much as he did.
“Where’s dad, mum? You said he would get back yesterday. It’s Christmas, and he should be here.” I huff, my frustration getting the best of me.
“I told you, Dove -”
“I heard you! You guys ‘needed this’. I get it, mum. Why do you think I came here? I should be back in the apartment with Sam right now, but instead I’m here. I get it. But he has been gone since I got here on Saturday, how much fucking time do you guys need? Is he even at the lake with Sam’s dad, or was that just another lie?”
“Dove, language!” She screams, completely ignoring everything else I had said.
“Lake trip? Robert isn’t down at the lake, Laura,” Sam’s mother interrupts, placing a worried hand on my mum’s shoulder.
At this, my mother breaks down into a fit of sobs, and her whole body begins to tremble.
“I’m sorry, Dove,” she manages to choke out, and my own vision begins to go blurry.
“Where is he, mum?” My voice is shaky and uncontrolled, and when she doesn’t answer, I take a step closer, wiping away a tear as I continue,
“You tell me where he really is, or I’m walking out of that door.”
But the room falls to silence. Even her sobs quieten, and she’s unable to produce even so much so as a whimper.
And so, I grab my phone off the kitchen counter, the only thing I arrived here with, and head out into the calm slow.
I couldn’t care that my uniform was left back home in the laundry basket.
I couldn’t care that Sam’s mum was pleading with me to stay, to at least go back to her house for the remainder of the day, to talk things through.
I could hear her begs even through the slammed front door, as I turned and made my way down the street.
Away from the mess that was my family, hell the mess that was the entirety of that whole house.
And once again, I was left with no real destination to reach.
A girl lost in the world, with parents who couldn’t stand each other.
With a boyfriend that loved her, but she couldn’t love back.
With no real friends to care for her and take her in when she needed it the most.
With a boy who had given her a taste of what it felt like to be in heaven, but that she couldn’t have forever.
I had no idea where I would go now, because I had to wait out the day to get a bus back to campus.
But one thing was clear.
I wasn’t going to let Sam and I become my parents.
I was going to make this right between us, because the one thing I knew for certain was that when all of this would be over, when my parents would finally break it off for good and when everything in my life came crashing down, he would still be there.
He would always be there.
Or at least I thought.