He did soften when he was around me, but his foul mouth never left. Whether he said the right or wrong things, the good thing was that he was communicating.
And I needed him to talk to me, and never stop. I needed him to say the stupidest things, to do the craziest shit, because that’s how I knew I still had him.
“You take things to heart too much. Has anyone ever told you that?”
No actually, but thanks for an added insecurity that I didn’t know I could posses until then.
“You’re just an asshole,” I state, and he simply laughs, proving his point. I was too sensitive. And maybe it was because I wanted him so much, even in the beginning, that I didn’t have it in me to take his words lightly.
When he doesn’t say anything else, I continue,
“Why did you try to convince me to stay away from cheerleading?”
He thinks this over for a minute, his eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration.
“Because you’re not like the other girls, and I wanted to save a good thing before it could become damaged.” He simply shrugged, slowing down his pace once again, this time allowing me to walk in front of him.
“What does that mean?”
“Is this a Dove thing, a freshman thing, or a Literature thing?” He laughed, as he kicked a stone with the point of his trainer.
“What?”
“The excessive need to know the answers to absolutely everything.”
I simply roll my eyes and smile slightly, because I honestly didn’t know. It seemed as if it was probably just a Dove thing, because I became extremely curious in ambiguous circumstances.
And he was an ambiguous circumstance in himself.
“I’ll be honest, those girls cheer because they have failed at everything else. It’s a sport they turn to as a last resort, and you just didn’t seem like the type of girl to have to do that. But then after I learned this was about your boyfriend….”
Sam.
The mention of him after the events of this evening pained my heart. I hated myself for what I did to him, because despite all of our arguments, and all of our issues, he was still my boyfriend.
And I had let him down.
“Yeah well, after that night at the bonfire, it didn’t exactly go according to plan anymore.”
I look down at my feet as we continue walking, but I steal a quick glance at his face when he hadn’t been looking at me, and I could see that my harsh statement had the intended effect. I needed him to know that I wasn’t going to forgive him simply because he had showed me a good time tonight, not that easily.
And I think he had figured that out, as we continued to make our way to the apartment.
“Theo?” I break the silence.
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever… have you ever had, you know, a real relationship?”
“Um, yeah. Long time ago.” This was the first time I think he ever stuttered in front of me, and by the dismissive look on his face, I knew that I shouldn’t press on, but again, my curiosity got the best of me.
“What happened?”
“Look, I’m trying really hard not to say some stupid shit right now and ruin this, because I actually really enjoyed our day today, so can you just drop it? It doesn’t matter what happened, it’s in the past now.”
“Is she the reason why you don’t date anymore?” I ask in such a low voice, it came out more like a whisper.
“I think dating is for fools. It’s ownership, really. That person is entirely yours, while you’re entirely theirs. It makes you feel guilty when shit like this happens,” his hand gestures between the both of us, and I immediately grow red with frustration.
What was he implying?
“So you regret tonight, then?” I ask, my tone harsh, but I didn’t care enough to try and change it.
“No, fuck no, Dove. That’s just it. I don’t regret a second of what happened tonight, because I’m not tied down to a single person, and I can do whatever the hell I want. But I know tonight wasn’t as perfect for you as it was for me, because that constant reminder of you having to get home to your boyfriend was playing in your head the entire time.”
I didn’t like how he had phrased this, but in a way, he was completely right. I had to live with this guilt, and he didn’t. And whist I thought that this was unfair on my part, I couldn’t blame any of this on him, because it was all me. I chose to do this to Sam, and Theo had no fault in this. But the way he had described himself to be so liberal, to be so open with doing this with anyone, angered me. I didn’t want him to do this with just anyone.
And it was selfish, I know. But I couldn’t help it.
“Tonight was perfect, regardless of my relationship status. Please don’t take that away from me,” I mumbled, but he must’ve heard it because he grabbed my wrist and turned me to face him as we reached my apartment complex.
“Uh… this is me,” I say, he nodded before brushing a loose strand away from my face again.
“I’ll see you soon?” He asked, his soft features evident on his face.
“Yeah, you don’t really have a choice now,” I giggle, and he grins, the glossy green of his eyes entrapping me.
“It’ll be weird to have you cheer me on once the games start,” he admitted, and I looked over his dimples, and his built frame, admiring them for what felt like the first time.
And I think it was – I was so busy getting lost in his eyes, or his touches, or his lips, that I still hadn’t even taken him in fully yet.
Then I notice his tattoo, on the hand that wasn’t resting on my cheek, and take a mental note to ask him about it the next time I see him.
Because no matter how badly I wanted to stay out with him for longer and learn everything there was to know about this boy, I couldn’t.
All in due time.