I couldn’t help but run back to him, or rather into him, every time there was an issue at home. It’s like he was watching over me, watching over my relationship, and each time there was an argument, a comment made without thinking, another issue – he was there with open arms.
And I lost myself, along with all of my problems, in him.
Samuel had gotten in much later that night than I did, and said he had grabbed coffee with his friends while they were finishing up the project he had been working on for a while now. It seemed as if all that was important to him now was that damn project, and I was only there to fill the empty apartment throughout his absence.
But I couldn’t complain, nor start an argument that night. I had just cheated on him, again, with the same guy I promised myself I wouldn’t entertain any longer, again. My entire life became based on lies and excuses, and it was exhausting. But I also couldn’t behave myself – I refused to learn. The more I got, the more I wanted, and with Theo, there was no end to the supply of attention he was willing to give me. Even when he wasn’t there physically, he occupied my mind. He had become a constant in my life, despite not being the person whom I shared a whole apartment with, whom I had “ownership” of, as he liked to say, whom I grew more affectionate of than my very own boyfriend.
I know it was wrong. I know I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, but I also knew that giving up Theo would break me entirely, body and soul.
And I wasn’t ready to face that kind of pain yet.
It was now the first week of December, and I hadn’t seen Theo in four days. I went back to the cafe, hoping I would somehow bump into him by some miracle, but he wasn’t there. I must’ve paced up and down the campus field for hours on end, waiting on his arrival – but he never showed up. Games were due to start that Saturday, and Sam had turned down my request that he attend the first game I was to cheer due to the fact that he needed to be at the studio all weekend, finalising his work.
I was proud of him, really, I was.
But I just wish he had expressed the same enthusiasm for my accomplishments too. And cheerleading was not an easy task, even though it may have seemed as such in the beginning.
Mia and I had grown to form some kind of a relationship during practice, but I knew I could never trust her with real, personal stuff after she had shared Sam’s name with Yasmine in time for the bonfire. I couldn’t help but think they were both out to get me in a much bigger way – in the end, they weren’t a threat at all.
I was my own threat, and my own destruction.
But when you’re blindly bringing this kind of disruption upon yourself, you start to assume that it is others who are trying to cause you this pain. You start to blame others, because it’s easier than facing the truth.
On the Saturday of the first game, I woke up feeling ready to quit before the day had even begun. Sam was no where to be found that morning, and I knew that I most likely was to return home to an empty apartment after the game, even though it wasn’t finishing until well past ten at night.
But Sam had his priorities that weekend, and so did I.
I had to make a good first impression and please the coach with my performance.
I had to show girls like Yasmine that I too, was worthy of a position on the team.
I had to prove to the entire campus watching, that I could blend in.
Lilian had messaged me that morning, promising to make an appearance.
But I’m pretty sure she would’ve turned up anyway, because these games were an excuse to drink and have fun.
Not just to support your friend who barely knew the routine.
And I had to see Theo. It had only been four days, but it felt like forever – after that night on the rooftop, I couldn’t think straight anymore. All I saw, felt and wanted was him. I would hug Sam and smell Theo’s intoxicating cologne. I would kiss Sam and feel Theo’s soft lips on mine. I would hold Sam’s hand and envision a tattoo drawn there, it’s delicacy and intricacy contrasting the strong and calloused hand that it was inked onto.
Everything about him that I withheld in my fantasises was brought to life that night – and now that I had the real thing, I couldn’t let it slip away. I couldn’t.
My morning was soon ruined however after I had walked the short five minute walk from our apartment to the nearest dry cleaners, to pick up my cheerleading uniform, hoping it would look nice and polished for tonight.
But when I had gotten there, the two-piece fabric had shrunken in size, appearing about three sizes smaller.
The skirt – when I had gotten back home to try the uniform on, the skirt barely even reached my thighs now, as if it wasn’t already too short before. I felt so extremely uncomfortable, and yet there was nothing I could do about it at all. There was no way I would have time to place in a request for a backup uniform, and I doubted the coach was willing to borrow me the original girls’ old uniforms.
I was stuck in this incredibly tight and shrunken piece for the first ever game I’d cheer for – and it was absolutely terrifying.
My aim to impress tonight had been discarded just as quick as it was decided, and I now had to step out in public looking like the poor quality photocopy of Yasmine.
I really was turning into them.