I didn’t like that he was so experienced, that so many other girls had him before I did. At first it just made me feel like another target on a never ending list, but then I picked up on the small things – like how his voice would soften when he spoke to me, how he so badly tried to keep his rude remarks at bay, and not upset me. He was changing.
For me.
“Do you think you were ready to go all the way tonight?” Lilian asks me, and I can’t help but blush at just how confident I had felt in that moment, but now thinking back, I most definitely was just putting on an act. I didn’t feel confident in myself at all.
“No, I don’t think all the way. We’ve never done anything, like not even kissed with tongue,” I cringe at my sudden disclosing of this information to Lil, but I trusted her, I really did, and I desperately needed some advice on what to do next.
“We definitely weren’t ready for sex, but I think I definitely wanted something more. I asked him to touch me,” I admit, laughing at myself at how stupid I must’ve sounded in this moment.
“And did he? Touch you, I mean?”
I shake my head no once, hoping that we could change the subject slightly.
“Did he at least apologise?”
“No, but I know it in my heart that he is sorry – for everything that happened tonight, that is,” I replied, and for a split second an image of me and Theo kissing flashes through my mind, causing me to shudder slightly. In my heart, I was sorry for everything that happened that night too.
“Don’t worry, none of it was either one of your faults. Yasmine’s always been a bitch, and she picks on anyone she can find. You being on the team simply made you a more available target.”
“You know Yasmine?”
“Yeah, she makes herself known at all the frat parties and college nights I go to. You should’ve been there at Fright Night on Halloween, she was dressed like the biggest slut!” Lilian laughs, her head rolling back slightly, and I can’t help but join her. I wish I was there to witness that – but at the same time, I think of how she must’ve been all over the boys, Theo included, who must’ve turned up in his usual clothing and not bothering to play dress up at all, and my bad mood returns.
“What’s wrong?” She asks me, clearly sensing this went far beyond what I had chosen to tell her.
“Nothing, it’s just that the boy she was with had no right to break it to Sam in the way he did. I really hate him.” Wow, I was becoming a master at lies by this point.
“Oh Theo? Yeah, I heard he’s a complete dick.”
“Of course you’d know him too,” I giggle, and hit her playfully with my old pillow, which was no longer soft and fluffy like how I had last left it.
“I wouldn’t say I know him, but he’s on the team, so everyone kind of does.”
Of course they do.
“Hey Lil,” I begin, feeling suddenly brave, and my curiosity getting the best of me, “what do you know about him and Yasmine?”
“Why…?” She asks, giving me a questioning look, and I simply shrug and reply,
“Oh no big deal, just plotting my revenge.”
She stares at me for a moment before she erupts into a fit of giggles and high-pitched laughs, throwing the other pillow straight at my face.
It might’ve come across as one of the best jokes I’d ever made, but I think in that moment, I was being fully serious about what I had said.
“Well,” she begins, scratching the back of her head as if this was going to be some long, life changing speech, “I don’t know much, but apparently they had a fling over the summer break, before us freshman got here.” She clarifies, clears her throat and continues, “but then something must’ve happened between them, I’m guessing one of them ended it because on Opening Night, which you again didn’t go to, they didn’t speak a word to each other. That was the first college get together I went to before a party later that night, and as a complete stranger to their weird friendship I assumed they didn’t know each other. Then later on, some senior girls I made friends with dragged me to the frat house, the same one we were both in when I ran into you.” Memories of that night race across my mind, and I blink back a few times as to stay focused on Lilian’s story. “Anyway, I was upstairs knocking desperately on one of the bathroom doors, because I had drunk too much and needed to pee. I must’ve waited for hours, occasionally pressing my ear to the door and laughing at the moans coming from inside. It was so gross.”
I gulp, knowing damn well where this was going, and I had no reason to feel as enraged as I did, but for some reason I couldn’t help it. “Next thing I know, the door swings open and Yasmine and Theo come out panting as if they’d just run a fucking marathon, and they both had the darkest hickeys all over their chests – I almost threw up at the sight, and I could barely do my business in there after. It smelt like pure sex.” She continues laughing as she comes to the end of her story, but I no longer have the energy to join her, and simply nod in response to all the information she gave me.
“So they’re friends with benefits, then?” I manage to ask, and put on my best unfazed expression.
“I guess so. They did seem really close at the bonfire tonight, I mean after you left,” she pauses, and I can no longer hide the hurt that I’m feeling inside – I just hope Lil doesn’t give much thought to it and starts asking me questions she doesn’t want the answers to, “but they’re on and off. Sometimes I see them at parties paying no mind to each other, and sometimes they’re eating each other’s faces off. And that’s college for you, roomie.”
Yeah, I was beginning to get the idea.