I wouldn’t say there weren’t complications along the way with him either – we fought too, but we also understood each other, something I was beginning to lack with Sam. We had our issues, but that was a given because he was Theo. There would always be issues there – but there was also excitement, passion and longing, which no longer existed in my relationship.
“You’re never going to give me this, are you?” I ask, pulling the decorative blanket off the bed and covering myself with it, almost growing to feel dirty at how I was dressed in front of him right now, only to be rejected.
My voice comes out in almost a whisper, and I feel like I’m about to cry, again. Fuck, why was I crying so much?
“I didn’t say that, but I -”
“No Sam, I heard you loud and clear.”
I make my way to the bathroom and slam the door shut, changing out of the uniform and pulling the jeans from the bonfire over my legs, then a clean sweatshirt over my head. I slide on a pair of comfortable sneakers and go to grab my keys, before Sam stops me.
“Where are you going?”
Did he even care?
“I’m spending the night at Lilian’s. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“No, Dove. It’s dark and you don’t have to-”
“Then drive me there, but you will not force me to stay here with you tonight. Otherwise, I’ll gladly walk myself to campus.”
I hated doing this to him, but he needed to realise how much his rejection hurt me. He sighed after coming to the conclusion that he couldn’t convince me to stay, grabbed the car keys and dropped me off, parking as close to the dorm buildings where my old dorm room was located as possible.
“You’ll be back tomorrow?” He asks in a low voice, and my heart almost breaks from having to look at him right now. I take in his distressed state, for what seems like the hundredth time tonight, and lean over the centre console, brushing the hair off his face.
“I promise, I just …. need some time to think, okay?”
Oh, how the tables turned.
“Okay,” he nods once, before placing a tender kiss to my cheek and allowing me to exit the car.
The unforgiving Seattle weather in November made for a brutal two minute run inside the building. By the time I reached the reception, where the night guard was forever absent as usual, my clothes were soaked.
I really did need to get a car.
As I walked up the flight of stairs, I mentally prayed that she would be there, and not still at the bonfire or at some unknown frat house laying unconscious in a bathroom upstairs. The thought gave me chills, even though I knew that Lilian did this often; she had told me time and time again that she was always careful when it came to these parties, but I found it hard to believe that when she’d push open the door to our dorm room drunk out of her mind, with a boy glued to her side at three in the morning. The countless nights I’d have to stay up holding her hair back as she threw up the alcohol, or sometimes even the drugs she’d take – I’m not even sure which one was worse, but she’d assure me there were no long term effects to this, which was bullshit.
Or the nights I’d wait and wait for her to come through the door, leaving her voicemail after voicemail to ensure her safety, and I couldn’t sleep until the lock turned in the door and she showed her face – even then my sleep would be interrupted by the moans that filled our room. She tried to keep quiet, as the idiot she had picked out for the night did his thing and left straight after, but it was impossible to sleep through it. She lived life so on edge, that it made me apprehensive. Fearful. I hated leaving her alone in that dorm room when I moved in with Sam, but the selfish part of me was also happy that her problems wouldn’t be mine any longer. Fucked up, I know. Truth is, I really did miss her, and tonight I didn’t want to be anywhere else but here.
I knock gently on the door, and she opens it after a few moments, looking surprisingly sober and healthy for once.
“Dove, what happened? You’re soaked! Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Lil,” I chuckle, and accept her offer of clothes to change into for the night as I make my way to the bathroom. When I come back out, she is sitting cross-legged on my old bed, tapping the spot beside her, telling me to sit.
“Is it Sam?” She asks, trying to keep a neutral expression despite her eyes being filled with genuine worry.
“Yeah, kind of … it’s both of us,” I admit, and rest my head on her shoulder as she wraps one of her arms around my back.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Um… not really. It’s embarrassing.”
“Dove, you know I would never judge you. You’ve seen me at my lowest points, I think I can handle some relationship drama,” she forces a laugh to lighten the mood, and I smile slightly.
“Well, I went back to the apartment after I ran off at the bonfire,” I take a deep breath, choosing not to tell her the details of what really went down before I actually went back home, “and we talked about what happened, and then he asked if I would change into the uniform for him.”
I pause for a moment and lift my head to look up at her, but her expression remains the same, as if she is trying to encourage me to keep going.
“And so I did, and then we started kissing, and I sort of got into it a bit too much and then he turned me down, so I told him that I couldn’t stay there for the night and now I’m here.”
She looks into my eyes and with a sincere tone in her voice, she simply nods, smiles and says,
“I’m glad you are.”