She wanted to hasten everything and we stood on thin ice once more, snapping our teeth at each other with a wave of outrage. She was always expecting me to understand her but she never once returned that from her side. What about what I wanted? I was not ready to be a father for I was only learning how to be a moral mate to her.
But the way she looked at me it was as though it had been what she had yearned for all her life. To have a family of her own, who was I to deny that? Was it not my duty to her, to give her that life?
I did not think I would be a good father, I did not want to raise my pup as my father bred me. I was worried I would end being the same as him. I wanted time before I could speak with her on the topic of having pups but she thought I was unconditionally against the idea.
It was not true, I too wanted to see my female’s belly swollen with my pup snoring within. I too did not have a family growing up and I despairingly needed laughter and joy in my life. But I was afraid I would walk in my father’s footsteps for that was what I was trained to do.
Then she determined I found her unworthy. Unworthy of all things. My insecurity of myself advanced, was that how I was treating her? Were my actions and words not enough to calm her storms? I detested myself for making her feel that way, in no way did I mean to. But if she felt that way it must be because of me, I had pondered. Because I made her feel so unknowingly.
So I tore a part of me and placed it on her palm. If she wanted a pup, I would give one to her. As long as she stayed by my side, as long as breathed beside me. As long as she smiled and as long as was happy. *Anything and everything in our world existed for her and I would be the one to give them to her.*
For her sake I was prepared to relinquish my needs, my wants and my life and that is what I did. I took a knife to my chest for her. I had sensed it in my blood, the rogues were there for my female and not me. They realised the power she adjoined to mine, they saw how I possessed more puissant with her by my side.
Taking her away from me would have meant cutting a piece of my soul, she was the wolf they could use to bring me down and they had marked this with precision.
What I had apprehended for years seemed to transpire confidently in front of me for the rogue elevated the knife aiming for her neck for an uninterrupted kill whilst she was misled in her fight. I did not think twice, her life was always meant to be guarded by me even if it meant mine was to be taken.
The way she held me on her lap horrified that I shall perish in her arms, those eyes pestered me for years to come. It was not a sight I had ever wanted to see, my female mourning for me.
All I could think was if I was intended to die that night then I would atone to her for my sins, not for my redemption because I longed to alleviate her distress. Yet my apology seemed to worsen our circumstance for she bellowed with suffering clutching me to her chest rocking us.
I did not wish to discard her on her own, I desired to give her what she wanted before I departed. A family, happiness, love and warmth. Birthday celebrations, the growth of our pups photographed for the world to see, her booming laughter for me to indulge in. I wanted to give her everything.
Whilst I felt the beats of heart that strived to continue, I sent a despairing prayer to the goddess.
That I would be anything, I would do anything as long as she let me live for Lumina. My female had enough misery in her life because of me and I did not wish to add to it for I knew she would not outlive my death. The thought of leaving her in this sinful world on her own slew me more than my physical torture. So I begged and begged until the moon accepted my prayer.
It was not simple I suppose, lying there on that bed unable to utilize any of my senses. I was a living corpse and it was indeed my long due penalty. I had always known my past wrongdoings were not pardoned that I would one day I would be penalised for them.
But it was not being immobilized that hung me but the heartrending cries of my female. I had heard her most of the time, she would read to me or utter jokes expecting to see me move for her. A sigh she needed from me, but I couldn’t no matter how strenuously I tried to awaken and greet the bleeding female.
And I loathed myself for being so weak, I had persevered years of war for I owned a tremendous power yet one strike of a silver-coated knife had put me in a field of neverending gloom. I was unable to decipher reality or my existence. I had constantly questioned if I was dead for it was a direful situation I was assailed into.
What would awaken me were the rare fluctuating images of Lumina I was gifted with, the times I witnessed her were the only moments I was in harmony.
It was as though she were in a glass cube over the vast deserts, once I could not infiltrate through. I could only watch her as she spoke to me, cried for me, laughed and fought with me. I sat on a chair outside that cube my arms folded across my chest as I gazed up at her with a smile on my face. I was viewing a non-stop movie, a movie of her.
Yet at times I was pulled away from that delight overpowered to stand upon a bridge as though the goddess was contemplating.*Life or death.* Two sides of a bridge with two different outcomes meant for me.
But I did not let her have her way with me, I battled back and dauntlessly and bared my teeth to the moon. She was not going to pressure me into anything for I had made my decision to return to the soul that summoned me with a grievous despondence. I did not care if I provoked the goddess but I stood on that bridge and I argued into nothingness for I was aware the moon was harking.
Then after I had consumed all my spirit I…*kneeled*. And I whined and whimpered like a pup beseeching her to give me another chance to amend myself. I had never once asked her for anything but I implored for my female whilst I wept and planted my forehead upon *the burning ground.*