If he were truly mine and I his would he have taken this choice?
Trembling fingers reach for my face thumb sliding across my cheekbone, a sign of genuine affection and it takes a second for me to immediately slap it away. His touch disgusts me. It tears me apart from the inside. I do not have the strength to handle it anymore. I have no fight left in me for I have used it all up during the years of our relationship.
He extracts his hand placing it upon his thigh. “Have you named him? They asked me to name him but I wanted you to. He has my eyes does he not? I was quite surprised when I held him for the first time, he looks like both of us my female.” Deimos speaks his feelings ending his words with a soft chuckle directed toward his male.
“Get out.” My first words to him. His fingers tremble again and he clenches his palm into a fist and thrusts it under the bed hiding it from view. He hides his weakness. He hides how weak I make him feel for I am the one wolf he cannot let slip away.
“Lumina.” His voice is strained and he pleads.
“Do not call me by the name you gave me. It makes my ears bleed.” I throw my knives at him finally meeting his eyes that lost their light overnight with my blazing fiery ones. His eyes sadden by my inflictions of pain. I have never spoken to him in such a way no matter how many downfalls we had.
“Don’t say such things to me, my female.” It hurts him, my words. He tries to move closer to me perhaps to mend the loose thread on the edge of tearing but I move backward with my male putting further distance between us.
“Now that you have had your male, you must be quite sad. That you couldn’t fuck your chosen.” I spit my heated words whilst he clenches his jaw gritting his teeth. Anger surges every time I think of her. This male went against everything we are as one.
“I possessed no choice, my female. This has been going on in my family for generations. My grandfather, my father they all had a chosen. Yet they all acquired males so I knew for sure it wouldn’t happen. It… it is expected of me.” He utters firing more hurtful words my way. His words hold their disgust showing me he had never acknowledged it.
“I understand.” I whisper with a curt nod. Despite everything thinking as an Alpha I understand yet thinking as his mate I do not. His words only pull me deeper into bloody debris.
“You do?” He asks frowning. Confusion strikes him at first but I smell it. His fear. He knows what is coming and it scares him.
“I will be moving my things from our room to the other wing of this castle. I will stay as far as I can from you possible.” I declare. The words that fly past me reaching to him don’t merely pain him but also me. How do I move on from this? How do I leave you whom I love with the entirety of my being?
“You do not wish this, my female.” He utters thinking perhaps my anger overtakes my senses and thinking. But he is very wrong, my mind is clear as the calm waters. I shall stand by my words.
“I do. Desperately. You are not worthy. You do not deserve me.” My truth spills out of me. I had thought this a lot. Perhaps it wasn’t I who was unworthy but him? Yet our bond grew stronger with day and he showed me of our worthiness as one.
“Do not do this. I cannot. I… cannot live-” His breathing is ragged and labored, his ribcage pulling in blocking the beats of his heart. He begs whilst shaking his head to my words. The entirety of his being falls apart as his body sways unable to bear the emotions that flood him. I feel it, his heart. I am plunging my knife into him deep twisting it only to extract and sink it deeper into his soul. My words have that much weight on him.
“I can. I can live without you and I am going to show you just that.” Perhaps this is a lie. Perhaps this is the truth. Either way, I shall find out. I will take the first step away.
His eyes cast down, hands fidgeting his nails digging into flesh, biting his quivering lower lip. He bangs his fist hard into the mattress for he does not know what to say or how to hold onto me. He knew this would happen, he knew. His heart burns and it brings a vile taste to my mouth as it does to his. The need to gag comes forth but these emotions are not mine but his.
With a deep sigh and heavy tired eyes, I gaze at him who is falling apart in front of my eyes. Perhaps I must be cold but how can I when he holds half of my soul? I look towards the little one sleeping soundly in my arms. The bond I shall break, will it burn my son?
My thoughts are blurry all running around, the decision I am making the pain I am causing. But this does not compare to the sorrow Deimos has given me. He… broke everything. He killed it all. Everything we went through to get here, every fight, every sob, every laugh, every kiss. His final strike.
I cannot hold my emotions and they spill out of me uncontrollably. My sobs are loud and gut-wrenching. This pulls him from his thoughts and his eyes quickly well up to what he sees. “What have you done? What have you done, my male?” I rock myself back and forth trying to ease the misery that boils within me. The last time I shall call him mine.
“I am sorry, my female. I did not have a choice. Forgive me.” His voice breaks, he cannot bear the damage he has done. “W-We can get past this… together like we always have. I will bear the blame for everything. Let us raise him together. Let us live the life we dreamed of.” He rocks himself with me matching my pace never touching me only watching my eyes.
“We can never get past this. This deed, the choice you made with your own two hands is unforgivable.” I wail as my son begins to stir, the clamorous sounds waking him up from his sleep.
“I will earn it. I will earn your forgiveness a little every day even until my last breath. I will do whatever you say and be whatever you want me to be. I need you, Lumina. Please do not leave, do not end us.” His words make me sob harder, his real feelings. He pours me his truth yet my cup cannot hold them anymore for it has been ruptured by his own hands.
“Stop.” I can hear no more. I wish to hear no more.
“Look. Look inside!” He screams as the first tear rolls down his cheek followed by the next until he becomes a sobbing mess. He shuts his eyes close as I take in the sight of him. The first I have ever truly seen him cry. He shows me. He bares his soul to me. The number of days he contemplated what to do about the situation. The sleepless nights he had stared at me whilst I slept peacefully in fear of his decision that he knew would break me.
He had read this pointless tradition over and over again trying to spot holes in them. When he found none, he wished to break it yet he couldn’t for it was written in stone.