“Why don’t you tell me things, Derek? I tell you everything!”
I raised an eyebrow at her as I felt my levels shift. “Everything? Huh, Viv? Do you? Because you did keep letters from me that fucked up everything we had going on.” I didn’t like what I was saying to her, I wanted to sugar coat it, but things were too heated. “Yeah, you tell me everything except for the things that matter. So, I guess you do tell me every little thing besides the one that fucked up our relationship, because who cares about that?”
Her mouth fell open a little bit and I felt the guilt in her. “Fucked up the relationship? You did it first! Ever s-since the beginning! You were so mean to me for no r-reason and I forgave you every time!” she blinked at me and I saw her hands leave her stomach and go under the table to her lap. Alarm bell…
“And maybe I didn’t ‘fuck up’ this relationship because don’t you think if it was s-so perfect, I would’ve been able to tell you!” she exclaimed, her breathing became heavier.
I widened my eyes, “Yeah, sure, I guess. But don’t you think that if your fucking abuser was sending threats, you’d say something?” I asked sarcastically as I saw her arms move- she better not be wringing her wrists, I think I’d lose my shit.
“Because I could only imagine what would’ve been different had none of it happen if you said something in the first fucking place. Huh, Viv? Can’t you imagine?” I made a mistake then. I raised my hand and waved a circular motion in her direction- I saw her face drop.
…”It wasn’t my fault!”… her thought reached me and I was instantly regretful.
Her mouth completely dropped open as her eyes became glossy. One arm went up to wrap around her stomach.
“You can’t blame that on me!” She took a quick breath, trying her hardest to calm herself so she could lay into me. “I didn’t do anything wrong, I did everything I could for the past four m-months, it’s not my fault!” she choked out.
I felt the pain in my throat and I knew it was hers.
“Violet…” I didn’t mean it like that. I should’ve been more fucking careful with my words and actions. We just lost a fucking baby and I’m fighting with her.
“No! It wasn’t my fault!” she was violently wiping the tears that were escaping from her beauties. It made me want to die, I never want to make her cry- I never intended for this conversation to go this far.
I sighed as she went to get up. I jutted my leg out under the table and hooked on the chair leg, halting her movements. She frowned and looked to her side- hiding her tears from me.
“Violet, don’t go. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I know it wasn’t your fault,” I frowned as she shook her head.
“I’m g-gonna go to bed,” she whispered.
“Finish eating, honey,” it wasn’t time for a nickname, but I needed something to calm her down. Honey was usually my first choice.
‘Violet’ when I’m being utterly serious with her and need her to listen. ‘Honey’ when I’m pleading with her and don’t want to hurt her feelings. ‘Flower’ at any other time.
“I’m not hungry,” she murmured and wiped her cheek again. She stood up and pushed her way out of the chair- her hand imminently went to her bump.
I sighed as she walked away.
“Alright, night! Love you too, Viv!” I muttered as I grabbed my cup and took a gulp of water.
( ‘Don’t fucking call her ‘Viv’!’ )
“Yeah, love you, night,” I heard her grumble lowly as she made her way out to the stairs. I heard our bedroom door slam shut and I sighed as I sank back into my chair.
… You happy?…
( ‘No, you were shit at it. Why the hell did you make her cry?’ )
… I fucking told you she wasn’t ready to know…
I blocked him off after that. I had a pounding headache like I always did after we argued. We haven’t since last month and I hated that we did tonight.
I hated this morning and I hate it right now. I should’ve stopped her- it was in no way her fault in regards to this morning.
I felt guilty. I felt shame.
It reminded me of my mother. She would love Violet- but she would never be able to meet her because I failed her.
I failed my mom and now she’s dead. I failed Violet countless times. I drove her to suicide, demeaned her constantly and we lost a baby.
… I failed them. And it was my fault because I couldn’t protect them…