I neared the nightstand and picked it up with shaky hands. How did I not see this?
On the back of a photo of me getting dressed in the room read:
‘Dear Matey,
Ick. Where did my markings go? All those bruises? Disappointed in you… I’ll add more, not a problem. I hate that mark on your neck, when I get you, I promise I’ll make my own! You’ll love it, but I’ll love it more! Y. H. 2.
-Alpha’
I frowned. So it wasn’t old, it had a new ending. Maybe the one in the dresser was old… The last lines seemed to have an order to them. But how was he in the room? I would have seen him, he’s not invisible.
Okay, Violet. Figure out how to tell Benlyam.
… He’s gonna be mad, he’s gonna be hurt…
( ‘That’s better than him not knowing! Do you want Chris to get you!’ )
I was hurt Sage would even imply. Never in a million years would I ever want to go back to him, I hated him, everything he’s done to me. He gave me physical and mental scars that could never be stitched up and healed.
I didn’t want to go back, I just felt alone. I felt like I was back there, by myself trying to figure out how to survive. That will to survive faded in the years but still, I felt alone.
( ‘Violet, you’re being ridiculous! You have a mate that is more than willing and capable to protect us! All of us!’ )
I pushed her to the back of my mind. She wasn’t helping. I know I needed to tell him, I just didn’t know how.
I put it with the others and went to Benlyam’s room, meeting him as he said. Benlyam immediately greeted me with a kiss and we went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up alone. It hurt a little but I shook it off as best as I could and went back to my room to get dressed for the day. As I was brushing my teeth, my eyes caught sight of my wrists. My scars were almost completely healed.
‘Ruin them.’
… No…
I frowned and finished with my teeth, trying to distract myself, I did my hair instead.
‘Cut.’
( ‘No, Violet, don’t.’ )
‘That’s what Chris wants.’
I breathed out as I grabbed my head. I needed them to shut up. I was already dealing with my tormentor stalking me, I couldn’t handle this again.
… Just keep myself busy…
Go on a run, cook, do something… Maybe not cook, there are sharp instruments in there. Run it is.
I took a deep breath as I left my bathroom when I saw another letter. I groaned as I neared it, shaking. I picked it up from the pillow and didn’t waste time opening it.
It was of Benlyam hugging me in the bathroom. It was back when he found that razor.
‘Dear Matey,
Babykinny, I’m so excited! You have no clue! Benny boy does, he’s getting warmer! Don’t worry, he won’t stop it, he’ll be too late. I’ll cut this short, save it for when I see you. L. T. A. D
-Alpha’
This one caused an attack. I barely made it to my inhaler. I had started becoming numb to them, shelled, but this shook me.
Maybe it was because he was certain he’s taking me back to wherever he came from or because he mentioned Benlyam. Either way, I hated it and it caused me to react.
‘Cut!’
Voices were shouting. I couldn’t take it.
.. Just go for a run. Just go for a run…
( ‘Violet, no! Mate!’ )
I chanted to myself as I stuffed it back in the pillowcase with the others and I rushed out of the door. Just calm down, it’s not that hard. I walked downstairs and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Just water. Not staying to harm myself, just water. I quickly drank and put the glass in the sink. I was so skittery.
I took a breath and turned to walk out of the kitchen but Benlyam walked in. I haven’t seen him all morning. I missed him…
He glanced at me then looked back at the phone in his hand, the other was filled with papers. “Hey.”
I frowned at that. Hey? He didn’t even say my name, he always says my name, whether it’s ‘Violet’ or a nickname. He barely even looked at me…
‘Cut…’
I frowned, shaking it off.
“H-hey,” I responded. Why was I stuttering around him? “Um, I-I’m gonna go on a run?” It came out like a question. Why was I stuttering? It got better around him, not worse!
He was focused on his phone screen. “Huh? Oh, that’s fin- wait. No. Don’t go outside without me, or someone.” he shook his head. Why was he acting so odd? I needed to do something but seeing the aggravated state he was in, I kept my mouth shut. He insisted I tell him when I feel like this, but I wasn’t going to worsen his mood.
… Benny boy does, he’s getting warmer!…
… It’s cute to see him panicking…
… Love seeing Benny boy panic to calm you…
Guilt weighed down on my chest. He was stressed, this was evidence enough. About two days ago his men came back from Ohio with the scent maskers, maybe that was it? He sighed out and I went to walk out of the kitchen but he stopped me.
“Jeet?” I shook my head. “Hey, did you hear me?” he asked when he didn’t hear a verbal response from me, he didn’t even look up at me.
“I- uh- n-no…”
He nodded, “Get something, I’ll be in my office.” he stated sharply and left.
I know I shouldn’t be, but I was hurt at how he acted with me. I shouldn’t be, he was dealing with all this because of me, so I should be grateful.
He was dealing with it because of me…
The weight on my chest got heavier and I made my way back upstairs. I needed to do something, but there was nothing to do, so instead, I sat on the ground in my room, back against the door.
‘Cut…’
I frowned. There was no television in here, nothing to read or listen to. I could write in my journal, but I already did that. The need got stronger and stronger, Sage could only dismiss them so many times.
I bit my lip as I pulled up my sleeves. I wouldn’t get that razor. I promised Benlyam I wouldn’t. I also promised Hannah. I needed to do something, my head was pounding and my chest hurt. Tears started to gather, my throat scratchy and my eyes burning.
‘You’re a fucking wolf. Be useful.’
Lightbulb!
I took a deep breath and elongated my nails into claws and sliced my wrists. Satisfying slashes. I was about a few slices in when my claws shrunk. I was confused and frustrated. I wasn’t done!