I frowned, breaking eye contact, “I’m not good enough. You said it, C-Chris says it, everyone says it. I’m not s-” I bit my lip as my voice cracked, “I’m not strong. It’s not fitting…” I whispered.
I heard him scoff, “not good en- not strong?” One of his hands grabbed my face and turned it back to his face. He looked at me, astonished at the words that came out of my mouth. “Violet, are you serious?” he chuckled, when I didn’t answer he sighed. “Not good enough? Fuck- you’re all I want! Do you not see yourself? Not strong?” he shook his head in disbelief, “I can’t even fathom the hell you went through, and look at yourself! You’re still here, you’re flourishing!”
I grimaced. “I had an episode Bee, I cried when we…” I couldn’t even finish that sentence, I was so ashamed of myself.
Benlyam’s face dropped, he stared at me, not believing what I had the audacity to say. He grabbed both sides of my face and pulled me a little closer to him, he wanted me to pay attention, his demeanor completely serious.
“Listen. I don’t want you to ever think poorly of your reactions. I understand. You went through stuff, it’s perfectly okay to respond. Understand?” again, silence. “Violet, do you understand?” he asked again, sternly.
I frowned as my vision turned glossy. “I just-” I blinked but didn’t finish my sentence.
“Tell me, honey. Let me know what’s wrong so I can fix it,” he spoke softly.
“I-I think it’s embarrassing because I doubt that the other girls you’ve had s-sex with broke down… I think you’re embarrassed with me…” I said it so quietly, I didn’t want him to hear. I didn’t want to be another burden- he’s already doing so much.
His thumb wiped my cheek.
“Hey,” he called out gently, “Violet, don’t cry. I can’t believe you can even think that.” He had a pained expression and he pulled me into his chest. “Honey,” he whispered, ” I am never embarrassed by you. Embarrassed, ashamed, demeaned, anything. I’m so goddamn proud of you! I want everyone to see the amazing woman by my side. My mate, my Flower,” he hugged me tighter and kissed my forehead, “You have no idea how much I adore you. I cherish the very thought of you. My other half.”
I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled in his warmth. I loved the way he spoke to me. He ran a hand through my hair, “I care about you Flower. Don’t forget that. I’m sorry for all the shit I did to you, I promise I’ll shape up. I’m sorry I choked you, yelled at you, called you names. I’m so fu- I’m sorry I ever hit you. I never meant to ever lay a hand on you.”
I nodded and kissed his chest.
“Sorry,” I spoke against him. “I care about you too, Bee. I’m sorry if I make you feel bad, I just don’t really know how to do things like this,” I confided against him as he held me. So protective, I liked it. He felt safe.
I wanted to stay here forever.
“You’re fine Flower,” he kissed my forehead.
“Can we try again?” I shyly asked, glancing up at him.
I saw the lust simmering in his eyes. He smiled at me, “What?”
“I want to try again. I understand if you don’t want to, but I want to try and get past my block.” I pressed my lips together, anxiously.
He chuckled lightly, “Why wouldn’t I?” he pressed his lips against mine and I responded softly, slowly.
He let me go at my tempo. He allowed me to have control, although I know it wasn’t complete, Benlyam was ready to take over whenever I got too tired, and he eventually did.
His hands stayed, lightly grasping my hips as I positioned myself and rode him, he was prepared to assist me in any way he could. I could tell he felt bad with the number of times I pulled myself up because my mind fell, but he stayed patient with me- and as hard as he was, he could’ve just taken over and done me.
But he didn’t, and I couldn’t help but admire that. He was like my puzzle piece. Held me together. When I slacked and I didn’t have it in me to continue on top, he gladly took control and brought me over, time after time- along with himself.
But with each time we came, the guilt of the letters smacked me, harder and harder.