I had a dream of Chris that night. It was vivid and I had to question if it was a dream. But, I knew it was. I was with Benlyam. I was fine.
When I woke up, it was the morning and my cheeks were wet. I only cried. I even asked Benlyam at breakfast if I woke him up anytime last night. He said ‘no’. That was good, right?
I didn’t want to be without Benlyam so I stayed with him throughout the day, helping him with his papers. He seemed happy that I wanted to be near him.
The next day, I was in my room, brushing my teeth when I found another note. It was right under my razor. In it was a photo of myself in my shower. Due to the glass cover and the low temperature, you could easily see me washing my hair.
On the back, the note read:
‘Dear Matey,
Tsk, tsk! Bad girl! Keeping secrets from Derek? That’s alright, it’ll be an even bigger surprise for him! Should I even call him Derek? Is it too soon for Benlyam? It’s cute to see him panicking, but I’ll get you babykins. You’re mine and that mark on your neck won’t stop me. I hate that I keep running out of space. C. U. I. 2.
-Alpha’
After another note and another breakdown, I still didn’t tell Benlyam. I was on alert and Sage was pissed. How did he take it? I was in the shower! If he was here I would’ve seen him.
It made me paranoid. I was scared to even talk about it, so I didn’t.
I stuffed the photo back in the envelope and put it with the other.
New plan, permanently sleep in Benlyam’s bed. It didn’t sound like too hard of a plan, he seemed to be letting me decide where we would sleep, trying to let me be in charge so I’d be more comfortable.
I’d still use my room for showers and dressing, but other than that- forget it, I couldn’t. Benlyam soothed me. He felt I was on the look-out when I was with him and he figured it was because of Chris.
Except he didn’t know about the letters. He thought I was stressed because the majority of his work was centered around him.
If only he knew… but I would never tell him. I feel like if I told him now he’d probably get frustrated with me. I already had two letters and if he read them, he’d question ‘what secrets’ then, I’d be forced to say I have razors and that I’ve been using them. After he specifically said no. It’d all spiral out of control from there.
I wasn’t ready for all that.
Some council members were coming tomorrow to get an update on the situation and to meet me. The King included.
I wasn’t ready for that either.
Benlyam tried his best to calm me down but I was still a mess. Inside and out.
Sage was becoming needier and needier. She wanted physical contact with Benlyam. Shamefully- I kinda did too. But she wanted the bond completed, I don’t think I’m ready for that.
“Flower?” Benlyam broke me out of my thoughts. I looked up at him confused. He blinked at me, waiting for an answer to a question I didn’t hear.
“S-sorry, what?”
“I was asking if you wanted to go to Socorro tomorrow before we met with the King? I don’t know if it’d be easier for you or whatnot,” he repeated.
“Oh,” I didn’t know if it’d help or not and I didn’t want to be more of a bother, “I’m good,” I told him.
He studied my face. He sighed out. “Whatever you say, honey,” he breathed out and turned back to the television.
My heart rate picked up, anxiety growing. Was that an attitude? I didn’t mean to upset him, I’ll go if he wants me to. I just didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of this mess. I already felt like this was being blown way out of proportion.
A part of me felt like a problem, a burden, and I didn’t want to bother anyone more than I have.
“I’ll g-go if you want,” I quickly told him.
He took a deep breath through his nose. “Honey,” he strained, “I don’t want you to do it for me, I want you to do it for yourself,” I looked down at my legs. I couldn’t keep his gaze while he was laying into me. His hand reached out and grabbed my chin, I winced at the unsuspected movement. I didn’t like where this was going. “Violet, look at me when I’m talking to you,” he breathed out. He was controlling himself. But he was slipping, I felt his level shifting.
I don’t know why, Sage was baffled, but I became immensely alarmed. Possibly because my tormentor was a lot closer to us then they knew or because he was getting pissed and grabbed me despite not being forcibly physical with me since before the ceremony.
A small grunt left my lips as I jerked my head back to get rid of his grip, that didn’t alter him.
“Violet,” he warned and grabbed the back of my head.
“Let g-go!” I gasped and pushed my hands against his chest.
“Violet, stop!” he growled in my face and I looked up at him. His eyes were becoming dangerously darker. My heart was beating too fast. I pushed his chest again and he tightened his grip. “Goddammit! Listen to me when I’m talking to you! I asked you a simple question, I just need you to tell me what you want to do!”
My throat constricted at his tone, a headache forming.
I pushed at him again, “Get off!” I grunted.
“Violet! Stop fucking moving!” he raised his voice. I flinched and pushed again, like a toddler.
“Derek, s-stop!” I spoke out, my eyes leaving his. My heart was beating so fast.
It got quiet. My hands were still pushing against his chest and his were still on my face and head. I glanced up at him and he looked beyond pissed. His eyes were closed and he was kissing his teeth.
He let go of my jaw and head. I didn’t realize how much he was holding me up because the moment he let go I almost fell back on the sofa. I let go of him and scooted away.
He got up and he shook his head, “I’m not doing this right now,” he told me, utterly annoyed. I wanted to cry. He walked away, probably going to his office.
I sat up straighter and sniffled, keeping my tears. My throat started to burn. I heard a door slam and I winced, pressing my lips together.
I hate myself.
Always. I always had to mess up a situation. I sniffled again and covered my mouth with my hand. I won’t cry, I won’t cry. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep them in.
It hurt.
We were doing fine. Watching another movie because he needed a break. He was getting so frustrated with his work and Chris, and I had to ruin things again. I could’ve said ‘Yes’ from the beginning like a good girl but I had to say what I felt.
I opened my eyes and tried to blink away my tears as I rested my elbows on my knees. I was biting my lip so hard, it’d probably break. Trickles of salty water started coming down and meeting my hands on my cheeks and my heart twisted.
I hated this.
I was dumb for thinking Derek was the reason I tried to kill myself. It was me. Everyone was right. I should’ve ignored Sage, Selene, and Derek. They just felt bad. I was the problem.